Pretty Little Liars Recap: They're Totally Dunzo

By The Betches

If there’s anything more confusing than last night’s episode it would probably be Hanna’s army shirt / jean skirt outfit. She looked like she was trying out for Rosewood Flannels, the town’s lesbian bowling league.

But really was anyone else as confused as I was? Or am I just like SO over Ali just like being able to outdo herself that it’s becoming almost TOO unreal. Like this Cyrus bro, who if he was a real bro would never be named Cyrus because we all know that name belongs to the psychotic political GBFF of Olivia Pope, was just able to ESCAPE police custody!? A white girl presumed dead was actually kidnapped and her kidnapper was captured but don’t worry THE ROSEWOOD POLICE DEPT ARE ON THE CASE, but they’re not. Buffoons.

Next we have Mona singing like she’s showering with Becky G and then spontaneously fainting immediately after. Double you tee eff mate? But she wakes up obvi casual panic attack NBD!! And then Hanna finds a print out of fucking Cyrus’s mugshot in her bag. A PRINT OUT. Two things wrong in this scenario. Bitch can hack into a cop’s phone yet we’re really supposed to believe she’s standing there waiting at a color printer for 3 minutes while it prints such a lovely quality photo. And the second is that there is no way Rosewood has the budget for that quality of a printer, like their entire teaching staff includes a pedophile, a woman who hooks up with pedophiles and wears a conspicuous amount of blazers, and assistant coach Emily Fields.

But let’s take a step back. WHY WAS SPENCER DRESSED AS THE GESTAPO?

Let’s take another step back. Hanna decides she doesn’t want Ali to run her off a cliff, so she gets vegetables, starts yogging loops and trying out for chorus. CHORUS? What time of year is this that chorus is having arbitrary chorus auditions and why is that like, her goal? Weren’t they in chorus class last week? Is this some sort of special chorus? IRREGARDLESS, shouldn’t her first priority maybe, I don't know, getting into college. Aim higher Hefty.

Spencer to Hanna: “Your mom said you were out on a run I thought she was joking”

Ok let’s talk about Ali, again, because everyone just can’t get enough of this life ruiner. She ruins lives. Ali was so much better when she was dead and bitchy. Now she’s just alive, overweight and pathetic. On the same hand, Emily’s “I’m Dunzo” speech actually gave me chills, maybe because I had the air on high, but also maybe because I thought she would punch her in the fucking face for once. I STOOD UP TO PAIGE FOR YOU. SPENCER WENT FUCKING CRAZY AT ONE POINT AND STOPPED WASHING HER HAIR BECAUSE OF YOU. I WOULD HAVE TOLD HER SHE SMELLED LIKE SHIT BUT I WAS TOO BUSY ALMOST DYING IN AN ELEVATOR, FOR YOU.

So yeah, this is why I’m confused. They're taking everything to a entirely new echelon of confusing. Is Ali A? Did she play that video she recorded on Spencer’s phone and then text her? Are Mona and the gang going get together during the FatAle FinAle?! Are they ever going to run out of punny A words to put in their seasonal finales titles? They always break for seasons yet for some reason it never snows in Rosewood. Perhaps A hibernates, much like a beAr.

The only line that made any sense, from Cheetah Girl Aria Montgomery: “The truth doesn’t amount to much when it comes from a bunch of liars”



Can Ali stop flashing her vag scars to Emily? TEASE.

Aria’s Mom: Is that Ezra?
Aria: Nah just my BFF group chat about our friend identifying her alleged kidnapper.

This whole time I was like where are Aria’s parents!? But now that Ella is back I really want her gone. Like I could care less about her single life. Also, maybe the advice you should be giving to your teenage daughter is ‘stop dating a creepy old guy that's writing a book about you.’

Ali’s dad and Emily are wearing the same button down.

Has A worked at the Gap like why’s she mad good at folding shit?

When Melissa/Nanny Carrie was making the video for Spencer at the end I really thought she was bout to do the ALS challenge.

And to wish you a Happy Humpday we bring you this: 




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