January 28, 2015
Last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars featured a reasonable plan for once. Caleb and Hanna wanted to destroy evidence of the fact that the unit was rented to Hanna and tell the police about Mona’s laptop. Obviously Hanna fucked it up because this show needs a deranged plot that makes no fucking sense. They have a quota to reach! I mean, it’s been almost two episodes since the girls got trapped in a room with a deadly element trying to kill them so we were due for a little death by frozen nitrogen scare.
Meanwhile, Emily is about to hook up with Chef Talia in a plot that EVERYONE saw coming, Aria drags out her admissions letter plot for the second episode too many, and a lot of the couples seem like they’re headed for a break up. It’s about time, all these relationships fucking suck.
Spencer didn’t do much this episode besides cry because her boyfriend Toady is all up in her shit trying to stop her friends from getting killed/tampering with evidence/destroying his dream of becoming the next Carl Winslow.
Spencer then gets mad at Hanna for making her relationship rocky with Caleb but Hanna DGAF and there’s a tearful fight that will probably disappear by next episode.
Hanna, the world’s dumbest wannabe fixer decides it’s wise to GOOGLE CHEMICALLY RESISTANT GLOVES. I love how her college acceptance isn’t even a discussed plotline.
Hanna: I already rented the van. – You CANNOT rent a van to a 16 year old!
There are then two minutes of Hanna trying to get her mom to tell Pastor Ted about Jason to which Hanna's mom is like, “shut the fuck up Hanna. I’ll look the other way about you tampering with evidence of a federal murder investigation if you do the same about my infidelity.”
Ashley and Jason have an awkward lunch where Ashley quits because she’s a ho fo’ sho’. This, despite not having any other job and I think still owing some bail money to Pastor Ted, the possible fiancé whom she is rampantly cheating on.
Detective slicked back man bun and Toby confront Hanna and Caleb by the barrel storage unit and the detective rightly says something along the lines of “You’re a little young to have rented a unit. Why do you have so much stuff?” Hmm that would be a good reason to say why YOU NEVER REALLY RENTED THAT UNIT, INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY MOVING A BARREL THAT YOU KNOW IS A TRAP. God Hanna you are so stupid!
Emily tells Chef Talia to back the fuck off from Ezra because “he’s dating one of my good friends.” Chef Talia then tells her she’s not interested in Ezra despite the logical correct response being “oh really, you’re like 16. That’s mad weird/illegal.”
Emily then yells at Hanna for thinking about tampering with evidence despite the fact that she was about to plant Ali’s hair in Mona’s house the other day.
She and the other girls go to recover Mona’s laptop and SURPRISE! Aria and Spencer get locked in a deadly freezer. A is officially a James Bond villain at this point. Brilliant Emily decides to swing at the control box and not the glass that is trapping them. Then when that fails she stares into space for 2 minutes, "that might work!" she thinks.
I like how Emily casually comes to work after saving her two friends from dying in a freezer with nothing but a leaf in her hair despite the fact that she came from an ice cream factory, not the woods. Of course she’ll stir your apples, Chef Talia! Emily then almost burns down the coffee shop while looking at her phone. DON’T TEXT AND COOK EMILY.
But what season wouldn’t be complete without a new lesbian love interest for Emily? I think there are more lesbians in Rosewood than are statistically possible. Whatever, someone needed to get her over whiny Bruce and her pantsuits.
Aria is freaking out about the possibility of Holbrook wallpapering Ezra’s apartment with her letter to Jackie saying she regrets having sex with him when she was 14. Someone needs to open a Soul Cycle in this town because there are really not enough distractions if this is what the kids calling fun these days.
Surprise, Ezra's not mad, because he's an adult and the letter was perfectly reasonable…which is the first adult reaction he’s had the entire series.
Then later in the episode after Aria endures her 100th near death experience that she decides to not tell Ezra despite their intimate relationship, Ezra and Aria have a talk. He decides to break up with her because of the fact that dating his English student might be sort of traumatic for her. YOU THINK!? Aria is so pathetic that even though Ezra was writing a creepy secret book about her and was potentially A for 5 minutes and had a secret son who turned out not to be his... he ends up to be the one to break up with HER.
The girls go hunt down Mona’s laptop with the shittiest Google map I’ve ever seen. It looks more like a Mario Kart roadmap from 1996.
Toby and his dedication to police work is the lamest/funniest thing going on in the show right now. Detective Tanner calling him out for being a cop for six minutes was legit but about 5 episodes too late.
The girls first reaction upon getting to the huge empty ominous ice cream factory is to split up because Aria was only almost staple gunned to death when they did that the last time two weeks ago.
Ashley gives Jason D. a convenient list of headhunters in Rosewood, a town small enough to have everyone know/have sex with each other but large enough that there are multiple large abandoned warehouses with built in death traps scattered about town.
Why did Mona have a PC and not a Mac? She didn't deserve to live!
Remember when Toby is now a cop but a few seasons ago he was a prison inmate who wore a super trendy durag?
The barrel which Hanna forces Caleb to come find and break into with her and then gets there and is like “I can’t look, what if it’s Mona.” Then Caleb goes, you’re right let’s totally not look because we just came here to cut some wires and take a Snapchat.