February 25, 2015
We open this week’s episode of PLL with Ali getting a quick surprise visit from her former BFFs who have all decided to wear deranged outfits while visiting their homicidal friend in jail before school. Could no one post bail for Ali? I thought she’s like, rich?
Anyway, the episode was pretty meh from then on, at least until we got the shit scared out of us as A disguised him/herself as a mummy who potentially attacked Cyrus/Hank Mahoney. Otherwise, everything stayed pretty much the same. Emily is still trying to make money for Hanna dancing on her own, Aria is still hooking up the scholastically inclined, and Spencer is still dressing like she’s in a fucking Hogwarts themed porno. Just another week in Rosewood I guess.
BRB emergency trip to Oxford!
Ok we get that Melissa’s flatmate is English…because she's in England. Chill with the British idiom vomit...
“Might I suggest you tuck away your mobile or you can tell me to buggar off.” It’s like the person writing this just Googled English verbiage and nouns. This British guy is trying really hard to be Jude Law in The Holiday but all he’s accomplishing is a gay Jack Black.
Spencer then goes to her Oxford interview where the interviewer obviously refers to the UK as a place “away from the colonies," because all English people speak like it’s 1765 and the Revolutionary War is about to break out.
But wait, the interviewer is distracted by the blood GUSHING from Spencer’s bag. This show is at its worst when A's reach is overblown. It's not reasonable for he/she/Batman to be able to get blood into Spencer's carry-on luggage (and know when it would break) (overseas), pass kites to Ali in jail AND fuck up this Cyrus guy. I can only suspend my disbelief so much. Is A Tony Soprano because even the mafia doesn't have this kind of influence?
Also, did Spencer really go to this interview without having looked in her purse? Phone. Check. Wallet. Check. Multiple vials of blood all over my Burt’s Bees chap stick. Whoops.
Couldn’t Spencer just blame this on a period mistake gone awry? I’m sure this proper British guy would shut the fuck up at one mention of a super plus tampon.
Why does every new character that Emily encounters look like they can be in her family?
Oh great Emily just shack up with your ex adult recently separated lesbian lover. What a great way to uncomplicate your life in time for college prep.
Why is Emily’s pageant dance routine so sexual? And why is Chef Talia like, stalking her at her high school. Get a life, weirdo!
The crazy stalking pageant coach shows up with some choice words for Emily:
"Was everything ok with my application?"
"Actually no, we found out you were a lesbian."
Turns out, pageant Nazi is only concerned with the small fact that Emily is peripherally involved in like 3-5 high school students’ murders? NBD. But really lady, your beauty pageant is not that serious. Talia’s big bad lesbian lover comes to her defense and...threatens to blackmail the pageant lady? What's the Supreme Court have to do with it?
Aria: Spencer, you can't fly to London to determine the rest of your life! You have to stay here and help us play Nancy Drew!
Aria is just trying to protect her brother from becoming A’s next victim so she goes to Spencer’s mom, power attorney to get her out of this pickle and gets her to agree to confidentiality with her legal prowess. That dollar move was so out of a movie, Aria would never be smart enough to hand Spencer’s mom a bill to hire her for an hour that’s like out of her know-how. The farthest her knowledge goes is deciding which see through straight jacket skirt matches her outfit every morning.
Aria: What, tell the truth! Preposterous! Do we really want to rattle A’s cage?
Then annoying Tutor Boy shows up (everywhere) because he has absolutely no life.
Aria: Have you been waiting out here for long?
Tutor boy: Just long enough to start and finish Anna Karenina -- LOSER
Thankfully Andrew is such a stalker that he breaks into Aria’s house (which conveniently has no security system) just in time to save her from Mike’s killer weights that were about to crush her skull.
Andrew then says this romantic line before moving in for a kiss. “I like problems. Math equations, jig saw puzzles, all that other shit that girls find sexy.”
Somewhere along the lines Hanna does that thing she does monthly where she suggests the girls tell the truth and everyone shoots her down IMMEDIATELY because lying is working out so well for them.
Hanna and Aria drive the plot forward by going to visit burn victim Hank Mahoney/Cyrus in the hospital. Why are medical staff in this show always so spunky? Also, you actually have to cover your hair when you wear a hair net. You can't just wear it half on so your cute bangs show.
Cyrus can’t speak but he can write out notes. If he could write Varjack couldn’t he take an extra minute and like, write like a sentence?
Also, Hanna’s mom is back with Pastor Ted who is willing to pay Ashley Marin’s bail money but not Hanna’s college dues.
OMG WHAT IF THE STUDY BUDDY ANDREW IS A?
Why would it say Alison Dilaurentis, A on that file? Everyone who’s not an idiot knows they file names by last names duh.
Mona is defs coming back.