Pretty Little Liars Recap: My Name Is Alison Dilaurentis, You Killed My Sister, Prepare to Die

By Betch Waldorf

The Liars are sitting in their fave new hotspot, Radley, discussing their boyfriends and all the shit they hide from them. If you didn’t already know it, you wouldn’t believe that this is the same place they were held captive and tortured only 5 years earlier. They must make a fantastic brunch, because everyone seems to magically forget that fact.

Hannah says she told her fiancé Jordan about A, whereas Aria did not tell her BF Liam about it. But Aria’s fucking shady, we already knew that.

Aria is like, I have to bounce and go back to work and everyone is like WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM US? God forbid someone want to maintain a stable fucking job. We can't all be bartenders like you, Emily.

They all are like “the police should be checking out that Draco Malfoy looking motherfucker” and point to Sara Harvey, who is also staying at Radley. What a small world.

Turns out, Sara got released because she claimed to have Stockholm Syndrome, which Hanna calls “Swedish Syndrome,” from being kidnapped by A.” Hanna thank god you’re pretty, because you seriously have the IQ of your pant size. They all think Sara killed Charlotte as revenge for brainwashing her and I agree with them. Frankly, anyone who is willing to keep their hair that short should not be trusted.

Hanna confronts Aria about the fact that she left the hotel the night Charlotte was killed and Aria acts like she can’t fucking understand English. Aria was like “I went to check my messages and it took me 2 hours” and I get it. It’s like, really hard being so popular.

Aria then tries to be like “Hanna you were drunk, you don’t remember anything!” but really all you had to say was “Hanna you’re a dumb piece of shit who doesn’t know anything” and that would have been a good defense.

HANNA: Tell us what you did
ARIA: omg, can I live?

Spencer’s mom is getting Caleb to stop hackers from tweeting about Spencer, because that’s how shit works in Rosewood. You have problems? Caleb will just hack them away.

Spencer is like, this is going to fuck my mom in the polls, and Caleb is like uhhhhh tbh, yeah probs. But then he’s like DON’T WORRY I will rig the votes and they both laugh awkwardly while trying to manage their painful sexual tension.

CALEB: I’ll rig the votes!
SPENCER: No you won’t! haha
CALEB: haha
SPENCER: ha…..wait can u really do that?

Ali is in the police station and Sara is there too. Rosewood, population of 20, and everyone is either an ex-murderer, rapist or liar. Lorenzo, the beautiful chocolate man, comes in and says that Sara couldn’t have done it because she has burns on her body. WTF? From what? Who the fuck burned Sara and can I give them a fucking medal?

Lorenzo then rips of the fucking band-aid and tells Ali that someone broke Cece’s neck and threw her from the tower. Lorenzo is like “it might be your friends, they hate her because she tortured them and ruined their lives.” Wow, that’s some brilliant shit right there, Lorenzo. It’s amazing you’re not the fucking Director of the FBI with that detective work.

Emily’s mom is trying to convince Emily to go see her dad’s grave and Emily says no because of Ali.

Emily: I promised Ali I would be available at her beck and call, so I can’t see my dead dad. -  Who needs pet dogs when you have friends like Emily, right?

Jordan, Hanna’s fiancé shows up to Rosewood. He’s got a terrible accent and looks like Dave Franco if he was like, 10 years older and was a victim of a terrible lawn mower accident. I mean seriously, what is up with this dude’s face? I thought Toby had a crater face- they could be long lost twins. Can’t PLL cast a dude who doesn’t look like he’s been living in extreme weather condition for the past year? Where did you find this person? The local Goodwill?

Also, why does he have an accent and why is he from the Hamptons? Who do you think you are with this fake accent? Madonna? Hanna is like, not excited at all and I don’t blame her. This shit is wack.

Jordan is like “let me cheer you up” and I’m thinking- okay, sex. But no, he instead buys her food. Hefty Hanna forever <3

Before Aria leaves, she goes to visit Ezra who looks like he has been living under a bridge. Hobo grunge, so hot right now. Aria is like “WE NEVER SAW EACH OTHER THE NIGHT CHARLOTTE WAS KILLED, UNDERSTOOD?!” And he’s like, fuck, ok whatever, stop being so fucking naggy.

Aria get some fucking manners. If you’re asking someone to be your alibi, at least say please. What were you raised in? A barn?

Emily is getting treatment for something, which may explain why she was popping pills last episode. That’s a bummer. I was hoping she’d have a drug addiction. Now they might actually give her real health problems. Ugh. Way to ruin it, Freeform!

Ali, Hanna and Spencer are hanging out, discussing Charlotte’s gruesome death. Day in the life. They are like “it’s Sara Harvey!” and Ali is like, no it’s Aria, you dumb twats.

Turns out Aria’s Dad told Ali that Aria left a day early, making her obvi suspicious. Fuckin’ A, Byron. You had one job- don’t fucking frame your daughter for murder.

After accusing one of her best friends of murder, Ali then invites the whole crew for a potluck dinner at her house. Sounds like a fuckin rager.

Back to Aria. Aria is at work, and instantly starts making out with her coworker, who is a hipster looking dude with glasses that look like he popped out the RealD 3d lenses off. So, Squints and the Lifeguard did have a son! He’s now fucking Aria.

They are sucking face, very obviously, and then are like, “woah! We have a staff meeting to get to!!!” Yeah no one will fucking suspect that. Aria, do us all a favor and go back to fucking teachers. Speaking of fucking teachers, Ezra wants to give his advance on the book back.

Ezra is basically a second semester senior at this point: drinking a lot and avoiding any form of work.

Emily goes to the train station and her card gets declined- POVO betch. You can go join Ezra under that bridge now. Some girl goes “Hey you’re Emily, right?” and pays for her ticket. How does Emily do this? Does she have some sort magic vagina? Or are lesbians really this friendly? Can someone please answer these questions in the comments below?

Paulette: So what’s this Emily have that you don’t? Three tits?
Me: She’s from Pennsylvania and can use some serious highlights. But she’s not completely unfortunate looking.

Hanna and Jordan are talking but I dgaf because I’m still confused about this accent. Is he Irish or Australian? And does he walk with a limp? What is this thing that Hanna is engaged too?

Hanna tells him about Ali’s dinner and is like “we’re bringing booze.” Girl after my own heart.

Spencer and Caleb are hanging out, again discussing a gruesome murder, and Caleb is like “no one will suspect you.” Spencer, like a fucking Mythbuster, is like “aha! But that’s where you are wrong!”

Turns out, Spencer wrote a paper in college on a woman who died in the exact same way Charlotte did. Caleb says what I’m thinking- what class was this? Seriously? I took Art History in the 1800’s and you get all the interesting shit?

Also, I’m sure no detectives are going to look through your school work. Although, it has been suggested that Stephen Hawking stole his Brief History of Time from my fourth grade paper. Caleb is like “no one is out to get you and it’s a huge coincidence”-TELL THAT SHIT TO STEVE AVERY, CALEB.

Aria is explaining her relationship with Ezra to her boss and she’s like “Ezra was my high school English teacher” and casually forgets to mention he swiped her v-card and was part of a team of people who tortured her for years. Slip of the mind, really.

The boss is like “Liam, you take over” and he’s like fuck, ok. Aria, you just got replaced with this nerdy Skrillex looking wannabe.

Emily runs into the girl from the train again, but upon further review I think it’s the girl who sold Spencer pot last season. She was my favorite character by far. Pot Girl runs Ezra’s café now, because of course. A rapist owns the store, and a drug dealer manages it. Tag team! If you aren’t brewing coffee in this fucking town, then you’re murdering people. There is no in-between.

Emily tells Pot Girl to keep it on the DL that she went to the medical center because apparently that’s hot gossip.

Rosewood civilians: Omg did you hear that Emily goes to the doctor in order to stay healthy? What a fuckin weirdo.

Pot Girl tries to talk to Emily about the fact that she had cancer and Emily is like WELL I FUCKIN DON’T SO PLEASE STOP TALKING. What’s an ABC Family show without a little bit of cancer?


Jordan and Caleb meet each other and it’s awkward because you just wanna punch Jordan repeatedly because of his voice and face. Speaking of faces, holy shit did the makeup artist just skip over Ali? I mean seriously, I get that she’s grieving but did you have to age her like 40 years in one episode? She looks like Buttercup from Princess Bride, except exceptionally less hot and malnourished.

Ali is like WHERE IS ARIA, I haven’t gotten ahold of her. And it’s like, duh bitch she’s hiding from you. Inconceivable!

Spencer tries to move the flowers and Ali has a fucking panic attack.

Ali: Those are the flowers I bought for Charlotte! That is the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe! Does that mean nothing to you?!
Spencer: My b, I’ll leave the flowers” *under her breath* “you fuckin’ psycho"

Emily and Hanna are talking about college and Hanna’s like “what do you do at school?” and Emily is like “uh, study and learn” and Hanna’s like “Omg you’re so smart and cool!”

Hanna discovers there is no wine opener in the house. This is worse than any torture A could have provided. What do we do? I’m a little stressed rn.

Caleb and Jordan are fixing up the table and ok, it doesn’t take two grown men to set up a table. My grandpa does it and he’s like, in a fucking wheelchair. They have some awkward conversation about Hanna’s table- idk is that a sex thing?

Spencer is like “hey Caleb, I have some wine glasses in the pantry, can you get them?”

SPENCER: Hey mom, can you go fix your hair?
CALEB: God, you keep me young. Love you girls.

Jordan is like, so do you hang out with Caleb? And Spencer’s like “well, I don’t not hang out with him.” Oh, go fuck yourself Spencer.

Turns out they ran into each other in Europe, #firstworldproblems. Spencer was like “it was amazing,” confirming that she obviously has a huge Caleb boner.

Caleb and Hannah are searching for glasses and a wine opener- nothing brings people together like the pursuit of alcohol. They talk about that stupid fucking table, as if the rest of us give a shit. I don’t think a table is a huge plotline at this point.

They find glasses and an opener and she goes “looks like we both got what we need”- good one Freeform, you cheesy piece of crap.

Ali brings up Charlotte’s death casually, AGAIN, and then is like “let us say grace and thank lord baby jesus.” #StopWhitePeople. She then proceeds to give the most fucking threatening prayer EVER. It’s like a passive aggressive message you send out on your sorority's Facebook group.


All the girls are like okay, is just me or is this prayer is so aggressive? I mean seriously, what god is Ali praying to? El Chapo? Ali stares down everyone and it’s awkward. Like really fuckin’ awkward.

Meanwhile, Aria convinces Liam to let her talk to Ezra again. Liam’s like, “whatever, will you still blow me in the copy room?”

Hanna tells Spencer and Emily about Aria’s disappearance the night Charlotte was killed and everyone is like HANNA GO CHECK THE SECURITY TAPES. Shockingly, not a bad idea.

Emily and her mom are back at Ezra’s café and her phone goes off with a reminder for a doctor’s appointment. Emily lies and says she has an interview at the hospital and it’s like Emily, ain’t no one interviewing your ass, now make me a tequila sunrise.

Emily’s mom lays the “your dad would be proud of you" card and Emily is like, fuck me rn. She stares into the distance and happens to see Aria sneaking up to Ezra’s hut.

Let me just say, this shit is real- Ezra looks like crap.  Aria tries to talk to Ezra about his next book and he gives it to her, saying that she is going to hate it.

Aria asks Ezra if he killed Charlotte and he’s like “oh me? What? No. I didn’t do anything. That’s crazy! Hahaha, why would I murder someone?!” and takes a large swig of alcohol. If there is anything that I have learned so far, it’s that 5 years forward is pretty much the same shit, but with a lot more alcohol involved.

Oddly, that’s the most realistic part of this whole show. You do the same shit, just drink more wine.

Spencer and Caleb are talking about something that happened 3 years ago and it’s like a more annoying Timehop. Spencer is the stereotypical college girl who studies abroad: “I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I lived in Madrid! #tbt #lovethiscity”

They are getting real sentimental rn and I’m two bottles of wine in and don’t know how to feel. But seriously, its 3 years and a vacation in Europe and you’re just now having sexual tension? You did Europe wrong then, my friend.


Hanna is looking at her mom’s security tapes, and it’s like how does she know how to work a high tech security system but doesn’t know what Stockholm syndrome is? Oh that’s right- she never attended high school, but fucked a computer hacker for 4 years.

They see that Aria meets up with Ezra, leaves with him and then comes home alone. This sounds like something I would tell my friends I did at a frat party while we try and piece together the night

Me: Okay so I left with Ezra, but came to the bar alone. Where was I between midnight and 1am? I have an $11 charge on Uber. Where did I go?

Emily is like “should we delete the footage?” and Hanna is like “Emily don’t be immature. We don’t lie and do illegal shit anymore”, she says as she twirls her mom’s stolen keys to the security room. They decide they will talk to her, like civil adults. They confront her in a fucked up in person three-way calling attack.

Spencer: So Hanna told us that you snuck away the night Charlotte was murdered. Wasn’t that bitchy?
Aria: Sure, it was bitchy. But I’m sure she just wanted the attention.
Hanna: I can’t believe you think I want attention!

They ask Aria what happened and she flashes back:

Aria is talking to Ezra about how she can’t sleep because she feels bad about the Charlotte thing. They are in the Radley lobby rn, which is where they were seen in the cameras. Aria is like “let’s gtfo of here.”

They start walking and Aria is like “I’m drunk and want pizza” and Ezra is like, “we don’t have any pizza places here, only insane asylums and coffee shops.”

They see Charlotte walk into the church, again back to that population of 20, and Ezra is like “this is the fucked up world we live in. Nicole (his girlfriend who was abducted by terrorists, #neverforget) gets taken, but stupid fucking Charlotte gets to walk free. Nicole is just as cute as Charlotte, we should all just STAB CHARLOTTE.”

Aria is like, “woah buddy u good?” Ezra gets weird and is like YOU SHOULD GO HOME ARIA I GOT SHIT TO DO and practically throws her drunk ass into a cab. Aria is seen staring out the window, still drunk, still thinkin’ about what Ezra is doing with that pizza, doe.

Aria is back, talking to her friends and is like “he didn’t look at me when I asked about Charlotte, which means he is lying” and everyone is like YOU ARE RIGHT.

Spencer is like, lol, I think I told him about how to murder Cece and everyone is like, wtf? Spencer talks about how she met up with Ezra while she was in college. Is anyone else like, okay, how many of your best friend’s ex’s are you going to hang out with on the reg? Do you go and fucking play tennis with Paige too? Maybe a little poker with Noel?

She told him about the case she wrote for that class, about the lady who died the same way as Charlotte. The Liars think he tried to avenge Aria by killing Charlotte. What he needed to do to avenge Aria was kill her hairdresser. Seriously. Whoever told her an ombre bob was the new chic hair was seriously disturbed.

Everyone is like, uh Aria, you’re going down with this Ezra ship because you were with him and Aria is like, OKAY WELL, TIME TO DELETE THAT SECURITY FOOTAGE.

Spencer shows her mom the paper she wrote, and Spencer’s mom is like, ok, why is this relevant? Good question Mrs. Hastings. It fucking isn’t.

Emily goes back to visit her dad’s grave and is telling him about her life. She admits that she flunked out of school and dropped out after he died, which is like sad but also like really predictable. Also, why is she in a graveyard at night? Can’t you go in the day? Like, there are people out there fucking murdering people.

Emily is crying to Daddy and Sara Harvey comes up, looking like a teenage Aaron Carter with slightly bigger boobs. Emily runs away from Sara, off into the nighttime like the dramatic lesbo she is.

Aria is researching Nicole. Okay, I’m all for ex-stalking. But like, when said ex is a POW, at what point have you gotten a little fucking insensitive? But whatever. Something is up with the Nicole thing. Did she die or is she just kidnapped? I have lots of questions and no more wine, shit. 

Hanna deletes the security footage, because her friends fucking suck. She goes to bed in a fugly ass nightgown nightgown and perfectly curled eyelashes. I would expect this heinous nightgown on Spencer, or even Aria, but not Hanna. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.

Ali calls Lorenzo and tells him she thinks that her friends had something to do with Charlotte’s murder. He’s like “YES! I KNEW IT!!!!!!”

Meanwhile, someone goes to put roses on Charlotte’s grave. Okay, that’s another fucking person at this graveyard at night. Come thru the cemetery, it’s lit.




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