Pretty Little Liars Recap: The KaratAy Kid

By The Betches

If there’s anything we learned from last night’s episode of Pretty Little Liars it’s that if you are ever on the run or having biweekly murder scares, you have no excuse to look like shit. Ali does it every day and she has time to do her makeup and curl her hair to perfection. She must've even had the time to research the most powerful waterproof mascara because that bitch cried and nothing dripped down her face. That's commitment.

I mean this is Ali:

And thisssss would be me: 


Hanna’s gone into full depression mode, throwing out all of her clothes, making out with the first guy she sees, wearing t shirts from Limited Too.

But really we know Hanna’s getting rid of all her old stuff because she can’t fit into it anymore, insert monkey covering his mouth emoticon.

Hanna: Spence the last thing I wanna do is discuss my feelings over a tub of Chunky Monkey”
Spencer: You sure about that?

Okay wait a minute, now Hanna looks magically skinnier as the episode goes on. How are they TRICKING US!?!? MY SPECIAL EYES.

Wtf is this fucking plate throwing place. It’s like a sexist gun range to keep the women in the kitchen. 


Why so sad? Misplace your suspenders?

As they walk into the Busy Bee Inn (also, can’t believe someone would call their business the Busy Bee Inn)... fucking Detective Spencer over here, “It looked like there was some sort of struggle”

I love when the four of them go into think tank mode so they can discuss who may or may not be one of A’s minions and I wind up more confused than before.

Ah I miss the days when Toby was the weird reject outlaw freak who was hooking up with his sister Jenna.

Dad: mushroom puff?
Spencer: no thanks, I try to stay away from fungus.

Spencer’s dad asks her to DJ the dinner party while he’s upstairs showering.

Dad: "Or you can find another place to eat dinner." OOOOH burn, Dad. Not many places to EAT DINNER. Restaurants, friends house, more restaurants.

Toby is such a little biatch can he just sign these fucking settlement papers so this goddamn dead mom plot can be over with. Maybe he can use the money to buy himself a fucking forehead job.

That time Toby was like, “my dad and I talked over signing the settlement and we just wanted this thing over with” or something like that, I didn’t write down the actual quote because I was too busy thinking YOU’VE HAD A DAD THIS WHOLE TIME!?


I love how when they go into the Busy Bee Inn Emily has a hammer and Spencer has like a Swiffer Sweeper to protect themselves.

Oh Shauna just HAPPENS to have been besties with Ali since they were three and moved from the south to save her. Like that’s the plot line they’re going with? And the way they plan to convince us is: “Ali could make someone love her enough to do that”  NO SHE CAN’T. The distance this show has gone from reality..they might as well be in the fucking land of Oz.

In other news, Emily has a lot of jackets with leather sleeves.

Em’s totes trying to get it in with Ali, or in her case, up against.

Spencer could have been a little bit more discreet when sneaking up on Emily and Ali, like she might as well have brought pots and pans.

When Spencer cockblocked Emily, Emily’s face went all I’M GONNA CUT YOU BITCH. It was quality acting and quality comedy.


WTF is Aria wearing? It looks like she raided Miss Lippy’s closet and paired it with Caleb’s cross-dressing Navaho earrings .

Ugh Jake is so hot Aria is so stupid. How many more hot guys are you going to leave for your creepy loser english teacher?

Detective Dumbass-ia (as compared to Detective Spencer above), picks up a shirt at the Inn and says, “I could totally see Ali wearing this”

Then again, that’s the fugliest necklace I have ever seen like where did Jake buy that, Build-a-Bear?

Ezra banging on his car reminds me of Ben Stiller in that episode of Friends where he’s the closet angry screamer guy:

Jake gets out his aggression on his karatay boxing bag truly making him the Ross Geller to Ezra’s Ben Stiller. Unagi. Salmon skin roll.

What does Jake do all day besides jump rope and perfect his karatay moves?

OMG Ezra put knives into karatay Jake’s karatay bags!!!! THAT CRAZY ASSHOLE!!  But seriously can somebody get this kid some friends.





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