Pretty Little Liars Recap: The Show That Cried A

By The Betches

Just when I thought this show was becoming actually good — the suspense, the drug abuse, the fat jokes — they go and and pull it right from under us. Ezra could have been A, he really could have, I mean not in any logical, realistic, or fact-driven sense, but it would have been really interesting to see this pan out. And after all of that intense research and his seemingly inappropriate Ravenswood Nazi uniform, we’re supposed to believe Ezra's just a love struck writer who denied his manuscript advance after all the time he devoted fucking underage girls and surveilling his 3-5 apartments? Like there’s no way. I have a feeling that there’s something else Ezra is hiding, and it's not just the phone number of Rosewood's fucking best cleaning lady.

Next ridiculous thing we must point out: Why is Spencer so disturbed that she killed Alison when Alison is very much alive? Like this a legitimate question that made very little sense to me and I wanted it to be addressed but it wasn't. So to distract us they gave her a rehab coach named Dean who looked like a cracked out Noel Kahn. ABC Family knows that when they put a hot guy on the screen it will distract their viewers from gaping plot holes.

Also, can we just fast forward the parts where they try to make us believe Mrs. DiLaurentis is A. Like nah. Hanna said it best, “how old is she does she even know how to text?” Exactly, she def doesn’t, let alone be stealthy enough to stalk anyone. Like if she’s anything like my mom she’ll get pulled over for tailgating a cop for fuck sake. I mean yes I would DIE if Ali’s mom was A, torturing her friends, putting tiny notes in their teeth and like sneaking around the town crashing cars into shit. Talk about a bored divorcee. But really, the story lines on this show are more glazed over than the donuts delivered to Ashley Benson’s dressing room.


Why is Aria dressed like a high, deranged hipster?

This guy that Aria is slutting out with at Syracuse looks like the love child of Spencer Pratt and Lucas Scott.

Ugh is it sad that I actually know this guy is from Jane by Design. Spencer should've beat me on the head with a shovel.

I hope that the irony isn’t lost on the styling team that they tried to make her look hungover but she looks the exact same as every other episode.

LOL. This kid’s spiel about how his family is a legacy at Syracuse and is putting all this pressure on him to go to Syracuse and all this time I am thinking…it’s fucking SYRYACUSE. You’re not like Freddie Prinze Jr in She’s All That, no one is forcing you to go to Princeton over here. No parents would actually want a child to turn down Berkeley, because of legacy to fucking SYRACUSE. PS. Syracuse is never that nice during a season in which kids are attending high school. It’s a bare city in upstate New York with a mall and Dinosaur BBQ. There is no magical cabin by the woods with a lake. This timeline of seasons make no sense.

When Aria comes back to tell him to ‘get out. leave. right now” is Ezra not going to comment on the fact that Aria totally trashed the shit out of his apartment?

I dont understand why Ezra is no longer A. Are there a bunch of A’s or just a shit ton of crazy people in this town.

After Aria read the manuscript detailing all of his theories about A she should have stormed back to Fitz’s and screamed Once again...THINGS THAT COULD’VE BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION... YESTERDAY! or like the 767 times I have been almost murdered.

I find it weird how Aria and her bro keep talking about her dad but he’s like never really there. Daddy wasn’t there to take me to the fair to change my underwear.



Hanna looked good during this episode, def less hefty but her hair was looking very flat. She's having a serious hair style identity crisis.

Did Officer Holbrook just give Hanna a fantasy suite card?

I feel like Holbrook is breaking like every procedural code that I learned from watching Law and Order with my lawyer mother.

OMG this cop talk. Where do they find these writers? I AM LITERALLY DYING:
“She is one tough cookie”
“I think she’s giving us the run around”
"I know this girl and something doesn’t jive."




Emily taking on the role of power lesbian this episode. Nice.

Emily to Ezra: I let you tutor me after school, I let you help me with my girlfriend, I let you stick your dick in me when I wasn’t sure if I was gay. Turns out I was.

Literally everything Emily did this episode was so funny and done with very bad acting, but I simultaneously loved every second of it.

Aria’s Brother: I got a text real early that said ‘we’re done. I can’t think of another reason Mona would just cut me off like a wart.
Emily: Maybe it’s because you say shit like ‘cut me off like a wart.

Emily: Looks like he’s still pulling Mona’s strings…tampon strings.

OMG when she appeared behind Mona’s car.

Hanna (really sincere): Can I ask you something?
Emily: We don’t have anymore cheesy puffs.


So Spencer goes to the same rehab facility as Lindsay Lohan and comes back and has to give away her cellphone. Life sucks.

Who IS Rehab Dean REALLY? Except Cole the Original. Victoria, maybe you should sprinkle some vervain into your pâté. 

“Spencer I’m a drug and alcohol abuse counselor. I’m gonna be camped out here, making sure you don’t take Adderall and eat all your 100 calorie packs.”


“I heard you doing laundry at 2 in the morning.” Who the fuck did her parents hire to like creepily stay up all night and listen to her from the barn in her yard?

“I can tell that you’re a smart girl with a sharp tongue and you love to spar.” WHO WROTE THIS EPISODE!?

Omg you should totes beat up this guy with a shovel.

The dynamic and dialogue between Spencer and Dean is very Game of Thrones meets Gilmore Girls if everyone on those shows were mentally challenged.

Spencer’s mom: More important than staying sober? You keep flirting disaster no matter how long we try to protect you….WHAT WERE YOU OUT GETTING HIGH AND TAKING ADDERALL WITH YOUR FRIENDS ADN THEN STUDYING!? HOW COULD YOU!?

Okay that was legitimately creepy when Mrs. Dilaurentis creeped behind Spencer in her room but like at the same time GO HOME BITCH. This isn’t the Grudge.

Lol what? Spencer's getting married next week? I now pronounce you Mr. and Mrs. Toady?

It took them 2 seasons to figure out one A, now they think they know who A is every 2 episodes… maybe like slow down, breathe, go get one of your brightly colored manicures, a nice salad, and realize that you are fucking stupid and basically you should just move.




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