Last week we left off with our band of idiots thinking that Byron, Aria’s dad, probs murdered Charlotte. Everyone is freaking out about that, even though it’s obvi not true because that would just be too easy. Sure, just blame it on the sketchy old dude that all the evidence points towards. What a fucking cop-out.
Anyway, Aria comes home to her possible-murderer father sitting in the dark, waiting to talk to her. Byron is like “I wanna talk” and “I assume you know about this” and she’s like OH SHIT. This is where he is gonna confess to murdering Charlotte. Right?
Wrong. Surprise, he announced that Ella, Aria’s mom and him are getting back together. Ella is obviously a spineless piece of shit because Byron def cheated on her for a long fucking time and she still wants to go back.
Me: Hey Bryon, remember when you
peed your pants in 5th grade slept with your student?
Byron: That was one time asshole!
Me: People don’t forget!
They can’t get ahold of Mike at his dorm room, that's probs because a) he’s drunkenly passed out at a frat house or b) A kidnapped him. Mike is a fuckin weirdo anyways. Who needs him? Just sayin.
This whole thing is every eight-year-old divorce child’s dream: “Maybe mommy and daddy will love each other again.” But real life is more like: “Shut the fuck up, Junior and eat your goddamn cheerios. Mom’s gonna try and get half of Daddy’s retirement and the boat.”
Aria still thinks her Dad might have murdered Charlotte, because even if you share DNA you should never trust anyone.
Hanna wakes up with her weird fiancé half-naked and they make some not subtle joke about boning all night. Freeform, you sly dog.
Hanna gets a text from A that says she needs to get the drive with the backup security tapes on it, otherwise she’ll get her heart broken. A threw some emojis in there to soften the blow- much like the use of a “haha”
A: “I fucking hate you and I’m gonna murder you haha *knife emoji* *dead face emoji*”
Hanna makes up some bullshit to Jordan about how she has work stuff and Jordan whines in his accent that I still don’t understand. I feel like PLL is going for a whole “Hemsworth” brother thing and really missing the ball.
Hanna talks about her five year plan (betchy) and compares herself to Katy Perry (not betchy). Like, at least have the decency to be Adele. Do you really have such little self confidence that you want to be Katy Perry? Katy Perry just got shit talked all last year by a pop star who wears Keds, have some fucking self-respect.
Emily shows up and ruins the moment of Hanna and Jordan sucking face, and gays up the room pretty quickly.
Hanna asks Emily “What’s up with Pam?”, who is Emily’s mom, and Emily’s like DON’T REFER TO MY MOM BY HER FIRST NAME YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
Emily is freaking out about Aria’s text because it doesn’t make sense that her parents are getting back together. Like, we all know happiness is a myth made up by Hallmark to sell more cards.
Hanna is like “well maybe Byron and Ella love each other” and Emily is like AGAIN WITH THE FIRST NAMES. I’m sorry Emily, is there a giant tree uprooted in that wide-set vagina of yours? I have been calling my own fucking mother by her first name for the past 10 years, and Amanda (my mother) and I are doing JUST FINE.
It reminds me of the Fairly Oddparents where every time the parents are about to say their real name a loud truck comes by and blocks it out.
Bryon: My name is *large honking truck drives by* but everyone calls me Dad!
Turns out, Emily got a text from Ali and she’s freaking out and is like “IM NOT GOING TO HEAR ALI OUT, NOT EVEN IN A FIRE.” Emily is going on a fucking hormonal rant about Ali and Hanna is like, ok bitch u need to take a lap, I mean goddamn.
Hanna: Tell Ali you’re busy.
Emily: Oh I didn’t think of that. - ::Cough, cough, COLLEGE DROPOUT, cough::
Hanna gets a phone call from her boss who is whining about gum or some other bullshit. She tells Hanna to switch all the models out for only Asian models, because they are “chic.” Alright, that’s not weird or anything.
Caleb brings Spencer coffee- my hero. Caleb wants to go to the police about A and Spencer is like “hmmmm better not.” College changed nothing because she’s still a dumb bitch.
Is she wearing lingerie? WE GET IT, IT’S NOT ABC FAMILY ANYMORE. Although, this is lowkey the best outfit I have ever seen her wear.
Caleb is trying to figure out who A could be and oh Caleb, bless your sweet stupid little heart. You’re never gonna find out. I bet he is going to die soon.
They are still thinking it's Sara Harvey, because she can’t text but she can send emojis? No seriously, that’s their legit reasoning. Have you idiots ever owned a fucking phone before?
Caleb and Spencer start making out- yuck get me the fuck out of here.
Back to Aria in a shirt that looks like a butchered tapestry. Aria is like “ugh I hate this whole “family back together” thing.” She starts talking to Ella about how she was so shocked by their announcement, but she’s really still convinced her dad murdered a bitch.
Aria’s mom is like “I was fucking your dad the whole night Charlotte was killed” and Aria is like AWESOME GREAT I LOVE YOU MOM. Seems like an airtight alibi, though I would have enjoyed it more if Byron’s alibi was “LIPOSUCTION! It’s not like normal fathers could have this ass!"
Hanna is grilling her mom about taking the security tape, as if this whole thing is her fault. Like, how dare a mother try and protect her dumbass daughter. Hanna is like DON’T LIE TO ME MOM and Hanna’s mom is like, “well, I erased it so fucking deal with it.”
Hanna and Aria start digging through Hanna’s whole house, which for some reason is literally all food. Do they not have any other rooms besides the kitchen?
Aria is like “maybe your mom actually destroyed it.” Which okay, makes a whole lot of sense seeing how having it is an obstruction of justice. I feel like that’s the first move in that situation. Destroy the evidence - not hide it in a cereal box.
Aria is like “We can trick A into thinking we have the tape and try and steal the murder weapon.” Good plan Aria, you fucking moron. Because you haven’t done that shit before.
Aria: In the words of George W. Bush, fool me once shame on me, fool me twice, well uh, you can’t be fooled again.
YOU CAN ALWAYS GET FOOLED AGAIN, it's season fucking 6 just figure out that A is never going to be tricked and let’s move on.
Dr. Rollins shows up to talk Emily about Ali. Okay, who is this dweeb? He looks like Luke Wilson and Hugh Jackman had a crack baby. Also, is this show in 3D? Because that snaggle tooth is so aggressive it’s practically hitting me in the face.
He sees Emily’s fertility stuff, because it’s out in the open lolz, and she turns into the maternity hulk and screams at him to leave. Is this what donating eggs is like? Because I was thinking of selling my eggs for the new Beyonce tour tickets, but I idk if this is worth it.
Spencer gets mysteriously set up for lunch with Yvonne, Toby’s new gf and her competition in the election. Yvonne seems nice - she’s probably A.
Spencer calls Caleb and is like “this is what’s going down” and Caleb tells her to retreat and abort mission, but in true Spencer fashion she’s like “NAH.”
Ali’s back, walking with the doctor in a very unfortunate floral dress. Also, the girl is damn near waddling in her heels, can someone get this bitch some flats, please?
She sees a student and is like “Great essay, Hailey!” which never happens in real high school. Real high school teachers are more like “hey there girl whose name I don’t remember, your shorts aren’t down to your ankles and that’s against the dress code.”
The snaggletooth doctor is like “your friends are your family now” and Ali’s like YOU’RE RIGHT. #tbt to when she threatened them over dinner like 3 weeks ago.
Ali and the doctor are having very weird sexual tension in the hallway of the high school, when the bell rings and they separate, and there’s Sara Harvey, behind them watching the whole thing. Do they let any random bitch just stroll into this high school? Does Rosewood know literally anything about any form of security?
Yvonne is telling Spencer to trust no bitch, and it’s like ok, she’s A. Yvonne gets the tab, and wow okay that convo went nowhere. Like, what was the point of this scene?
Then Spencer sees that Yvonne left her phone on the ground and naturally decides to steal it. Spencer is literally the worst kind of person. Who steals phones? Poor people and terrorists.
Sara goes to Ali’s classroom and is like “uh hey, I didn’t know you worked here, where is swim practice?” and Ali’s like “Swim practice has been moved to the projector room over the auditorium.”
Sara’s like, lol, jk I knew you worked here. GOOD ONE SARA. Sara legit looks like she’s about to rob a gaybar rn.
Sara’s like “I came to speak to kids about my disability” and Ali’s like “k and I care, why?” Sara talks about how she basically was a bitch to every nurse ever and honestly I can’t even focus because I’m too busy staring at her stupid fucking motorcycle gloves she has on her hands. Can you operate Harley’s without any feeling in your fingers? You’re a burn victim Sara, not in Sons of Anarchy.
Sara goes to say sorry about Charlotte and basically admits she lied about having Stockholm Syndrome from her. So basically, Sara continues to openly be a piece of shit.
She starts crying and seriously, who is this actor? Were casting calls held out of a goddamn Walmart this year? I swear, between Captain Snaggletooth and this girl, I have lost faith in the audition and casting system.
Sara is like “we both knew Charlotte- you because she was your sister and she victimized you, and me because I helped her victimize you.” Sara wants to meet up with Ali and see what they can figure out about Charlotte. Why? The bitch is dead. Which brings me to the theme of this whole season: GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND MOVE ON.
Ali leaves Sara sitting alone in the classroom and Sara smirks to herself because she knows Ali’s dumbass is gonna give in.
Hanna and Caleb are making a realistic drive to fool A and Caleb is like Hanna “you can always come to me” and it’s like, no that’s not how it works. I would rather stick my left tit in a fucking blender than call my ex and ask him for help. Spencer shows up and is like “I kinda did something not out of character, but out of practice.” That sounds like me when I explain to my friends that I fucked another dude in Sigma Chi. Basically, it’s bullshit and completely within my character. Also, what a great defense.
Lawyer: Your honor, my client stole the phone, not because it’s within her character to do so, but because she’s stolen so many things before, this is just habit.
She tells Caleb and Hanna she stole the phone and Caleb is like THIS IS GREAT!!!! THEFT! PERFECT! Then Caleb like starts holding her hand awkwardly. Why does crime get these people so fucking horny? Nothing gets Caleb’s dick wet like some fucking thievery. Y’all people need Jesus.
Hanna gets a call from her boss and starts being sassy to her. Uh, if I spoke like that to my boss he’d be like, bye bitch. My boss is probs watching this scene and thinking about his employees like “I wish a motherfucker would.”
Hanna says bye and notices that Spencer/Caleb don’t give a shit about her and she’s like “alright I’m gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo.”
Emily is holding her egg donating stuff when Ali comes over and is like “can I stay here please?” Emily says no, and like Ali’s like “ohhhh” and Emily starts getting defensive over her eggs, thinking Snaggledoctor told her.
Emily won’t shut the fuck up and Ali’s like “Snagz didn’t tell me shit” and asks if Em is going alone to donate her eggs. Em’s like, bitch I might be.
Spencer goes to return the phone, making some lie about finding it outside and then Mona comes in like “I’ve been looking everywhere for this!” YAAAASSSS MONAAA. I live for Mona. #MonaforPresident
Spencer is like ”did you set this up?” and Mona’s like “aren’t we a little old for that shit?” and then leaves Spencer to contemplate her sad, pathetic life.
Hanna goes to make the drop off for this tape in a fucking abandoned alleyway. Why is Rosewood the creepiest town ever? Scary graveyards, alleyways and insane asylums? Is there like, a YMCA here? Or a movie theater or something normal, idk.
Hanna’s head is shoved so far up her ass, she doesn’t notice a mysterious black car following her around and literally parked RIGHT in front of the alley.
Aria is on the phone when she hears Hanna’s mom and Sara arguing about something, literally right outside her door. How convenient.
Hanna’s mom offers Sara free brunch and Sara’s like I DON’T NEED BRUNCH! I’M ON AN ALL CARB DIET MS. MARIN, GOD YOU’RE SO STUPID! Alright, you’re obviously a fucking murderer. Everyone needs brunch. Not wanting free bunch is a red flag for me, report that bitch.
Aria’s watching through her peephole and Sara looks at the peephole, like she can see through it, and leans in closer. That’s not really how peepholes work but ok. I’m too wine wasted to argue rn.
Ali takes Emily to donate her eggs and Ali’s like “what are you going to do after this?” and even though Emily is saying “finish school” she really means FORMATION WORLD TOUR 2016.
Emily is in the hospital and of course Ali is gone. A nurse comes and starts pumping some kind of substance into Emily’s body. The nurse is very obviously Sara Harvey but Emily doesn’t know that because she’s an egg-less college dropout freak.
Emily’s like “what’s happening?” and Sara’s like “oh, I’m murdering you.” Sara starts holding her down and Emily is screaming.
Ali comes in and is like “Yo, you’re dreaming stop freaking the fuck out.” Emily swears she saw Sara and it’s like, I remember my first time on Oxyconton.
Emily gets out of surgery and learns that the couple that wanted her eggs doesn’t need them anymore. They probably wanted a kid that wouldn’t have a failed future one day and actually get through college, just sayin.
Emily decides to donate her eggs to an egg bank, but I think that means no money. No money, mo’ problems. And like, what’s the point anymore? No, no more Beyonce. Maybe you can go see Katy Perry with Hanna. She’s basically a poor man’s Beyonce, right?
Hanna goes back to work and immediately gets fired. Can’t say I didn’t see that coming.
Claudia, Hanna’s boss, tries to get Hanna to stay, I think? Idk Hanna is like “IS THIS YOUR WAY OF SCARING ME INTO STAYING?” and I’m like dafuq? No, I’m pretty sure she just fired you. I don’t see any of the signs you’re seeing but ok.
Hanna storms out, ditching her whole fashion 5-year plan and acting like unemployment is dope. Why is everyone suddenly so poor on this show? At least ABC Family made them rich- what’s with all the povo shit, Freeform?
Jordan goes to pick up Hanna and tells her that he can get her a job. Probably somewhere down unda’, grilling shrimp on the barbie, mate. Hanna is like, k fine whatever let’s just gtfo of here.
Aria and Spencer are trying to break into Sara’s hotel room and Aria’s like ‘LETS JUST HOP OVER THE BALCONY!” Seems simple enough. She asks Spencer to do it because she “has long legs”, but it’s also because everyone will miss her the least.
Aria uses the nickname “Sparia” to get her to do it and Spencer is like, fine, twist my arm, I’ll shimmy across the balcony. You could call me every fucking name in the book and I wouldn’t do that shit. Now, if you gave me Formation 2016 tickets, I would consider it, but that’s neither here nor there.
Aria tosses over her fugly striped heels that look like she got them from a costume store as part of a sexy Beetlejuice outfit and climbs across the balcony too.
Back to the hot guy: Meanwhile, Caleb is in the dark, which is a bad idea in this town, and is breaking into the phone data he stole from Yvonne. While searching he finds that there is a file on the Hastings family and finds that the file is locked. Sketch. But realistically, what info could be in there?
Spencer Hastings: 23. Kind of a whore. Hair looks like it was cut by a five year old with access to scissors. 2010 called, and they want their Oxford shoes back.
While searching in Sara Harvey’s glove factory, Spencer finds a map of Radley with a circle around where Charlotte stayed. She figures out that Sarah is staying there because it’s Charlotte’s old room.
She goes to find Aria, who has been searching the closet, and discovers, literally, a giant hole in the wall that leads to an underground fortress.
Okay, I really think a hole this big calls for at least 3 free brunches. And wouldn’t you know it, Aria snuck into the hole in the wall. Of fucking course.
Emily is sleeping and hears a bunch of knocks on her door. She goes outside and there is a carton of eggs from A that says “give me the killer or I use your eggs.” I’m really interested to see how A’s gonna do this one? Like, is A gonna get pregnant with Emily’s eggs? Is that the end game here? Because realistically, there aren’t many more options.
A gets the tape and Caleb’s beautiful face comes on the screen. He’s like “if you can change the game, so can we” and he shuts that shit down. Though I would like to think this is a win for the Liars, we all know the Liars never fucking win.