Pretty Little Liars Recap: Shana of the Dead

By The Betches

PLL is back and did not disappoint. I mean, it obviously disappointed in that nothing that happens is logically feasible or physically plausible. But for our cause, this episode ranks high in one of the most ridiculous eps of PLL history. Shana dies from falling off a 2-foot stoop, Ezra’s doctor continues to refer to him as Mr. Fitz, and Mona is now leading a biggest loser club sans weight loss. So, all is right in the world of our Pretty Little Morons.

If you don’t remember what happened during the finale (Like is this a new season? A mid-season premiere of a season once aired? A special event? A summer bonanza? A spring fling? I cannot fucking keep up with ABCF’s reinvention of the traditional tv schedule), we suggest you read our previous recap here

Call Outs

How does NO ONE notice that A is perched atop the ambulance. What’s this? World's tallest ambulance? Fucking crouching tiger hidden A.

Spencer totally just out-Asianed Emily with that Sun Tzu reference.

“When Ezra pulls through he'll tell us who A is and this whole thing will be over.” Both Aria and Emily said this allowing me to conclude they’re equally dumb with equally stupid startled faces.

Whenever they try to figure out who A is I wish they would get a text that says: "BITCH I MIGHT BE -A"

If the girls are missing, it’s only logical that the news would be broadcasting their pictures without taking the time to look at say, the hospital.

How does Cece Drake escape a policeman, she’s legiterally a small blonde girl.

Why is the policeman’s knee jerk reaction to assume that the voice on the other end of the line is Ali considering he has never met her and he joined the force like yesterday… the police on this show are either mentally handicapped or like Batman, there is no in-between.

This isn’t NYC because there are no playgrounds on grass. Kids in NYC usually play on really dirty cement or bouncy black flooring that gets dangerously hot during the summer, duh. 

The stylist of this show can never let a moment go by where a lesbian is not in some form of flannel.

You can’t go through security with sunglasses and a hat. This is almost as unrealistic as Shana brutally dying from falling off a step stool.


LOL Moments

WASP extraordinaire Fitzgerald wakes up from being unconscious and starts panicking because there’s a black girl in the room.

But really, not to make this about race, but the only African American character on this show, except for the other dead one, is THE villain of the show? Also now dead.

Ali: "Aria, does your old pathologically lying teacher that tried to kill all your friends still have a chance with you?" White girls are so stupid.

Hanna: We can’t just sit here like sitting ducks
Ali: I know a place we can go, they have these great cookie shots at 3pm

"Alison, you asked for my help in Ravenswood and now it’s canceled”

Did they import Cristina Yang for Ezra’s surgery?

A texts to Anon:

NOTHING EVER HAPPENS TO THESE FUCKING GIRLS. Like A finally has them alone in a desolate park 2:1, and instead of attacking them they just did some queer interpretive dance.

It was like the matrix but in a children’s park, and lame.

Spencer: When was the last time you guys had a hobby?
Hanna: Is eating a hobby?

Spencer would be reading Diabetes Management Magazine.

Best part: Mona, in her buttoned up leather jacket, gathered a group of losers just so she could just call them the names Alison called them.. "Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by Alison DiLaurentis… Ok now it’s my turn"

"What did she call you? I can say it if you don’t want to Paige. She called you Bruce Willis.”

“Puss Face. Lez. Whore.”

Obviously Melissa shows up because she has no friends her own age. Oh wait they’re all dead. This is like the I Hate Rachel Green Club.

Questions left unanswered:

Where is Ali’s dead mom?

When did Ali have time to put on her messy looking eyeliner?

Who is Lucas' new stylist? Adam Levine?

How’s Toady still living with no carpentry job or parents to support him? Also, did he stay back to sight see in London? Send us a fucking post card.

How much does the A club spend annually on texting gloves?

When A creepily said “wanna play?” did anyone else note his/her Spanish accent? Yo quiero the Liars and some Taco Bell.




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