Pretty Little Liars Recap: The Book of Ali

By The Betches

Can someone I care about please die on this show? It's almost become hard to pay attention because all suspense has disintegrated. Nothing is shocking anymore, not even Spencer’s Gangs of New York suspenders. Like, Oooh our car gets stuck in the middle of the night in the middle of the woods IN THE MIDDLE OF AN UNFORESEEN STORM. No probz, we’re a minute away from a cabin in which I happened to have given head to our English teacher last week! SAVED BY THE PIN. Then said English teacher, turned deranged killer/stalker, comes and locks us in a closet! WE THINK WE’RE GOING TO DIE! But we don’t because he just takes a diary, and leaves. And our hair still looks perf and Spencer’s suspenders are un-fucking-fortunately still intact.

Meanwhile Ezra, who two weeks ago appeared completely relatively sane, is now on the Shining level of crazy. HOW CONVENIENT. Right before they revealed he was part of Team A, they never hinted to him being such a sociopath. But now that we know he’s dAngerous, the fucker’s staring the girls down during lunch and like breaking into the Marin’s second floor. Could it BE anymore forced? Much like starting a new diet or getting a boob job, it takes some getting used to.

Final thought: Besides cool mom Ashley, WHERE ARE THE PARENTS ON THIS SHOW?!


Your outfit was horrendous his episode as were your Spring Breakers-esque corn rows. Also you’re looking a little hefty, so much so that I didn’t really see much of a difference between regular you and fat suit you. Preggers much? IS IT ARIA’S BROTHER’S!? Now that’s a twist I can get on board with.

It’s so fucking casual that Hanna hooked up with Aria’s brother and it only came out now and it’s also like, amazing. He must have looked 5 years old at the time, and he touched her boobs. What a bro.

Travis kind of looks like what Toby would look like but with plastic surgery and a haircut.


Emily finally lives out her fantasy of her favorite song “Come through my window” by Melissa Ethridge.

Emily reads the note from A “I want to come home. Meet me at our spot.” Next scene Emily shows up at IHOP.


Sup with her cut off tops. Rosewood is a hop skip and a creepy bus ride away from Philly so it’s entirely possible she’s begun taking fashion tips from Mack in Always Sunny.

Suzy Clueless!? For a poet Ali chose like the worst nickname for you. I would've gone with Carla Clueless or something more direct like Stupid Slut.

Aria STOP hooking up with Ezra. You have a hot boyfriend. Also, your dad cheated on your mom. Also HE’S YOUR TEACHER and maybe an unhinged killer but also your TEACHER. Calm your vag.


Spencer and Toby, just two high schoolers who want to shut down a mental institution in their spare time.

Toby has about as much sexual appeal as a naked Danny DeVito.

She went all Skylar White this episode on her dad… “I’m just trying to protect this family from the man who protects this family”

You’re not going to hurt A with that stick Spencer. You’ll have better luck strangling A with your suspenders or better yet, yourself.

Spencer’s suspenders should have their own twitter:
@spencerssuspenders: do your ‘spenders hang low? #lol
@spencerssuspenders: I know who’s A but I can’t tell anyone because I need more than 148 characters! #spendergirlproblems




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login