August 6, 2014
Despite the abundance of blind people glasses, last night’s episode of PLL took a turn for the serious. Ali finally started to realize she’s the reason for the division of the group. Instead of judging and yelling at Hanna, Spencer took matters aka Hanna’s alcoholism into her own hands and showed actual concern for her bestie. Aria and Hanna had a dorbs emotional moment about Aria’s mom’s creepy (ex) fiancé. Caleb defended his GF and was all like that’s not Hanna! Hanna has THE MOST PERFECT PENMANSHIP then beat the shit out of Zach. Spencer stabbed Noel Kahn with a Hattori Hanzo fireplace stick. But really, did Emily spike the Rosewood water supply with her roids because everyone was in a no bullshit mood last night.
Okay maybe Emily didn’t spike the water supply because who knows how to do that, except for A and various terrorists, but she must have taken something last night because bitch was hardcore. Like immediately after accepting the assistant coach position she steals Noel’s locker combo (because Noel still goes to school at Rosewood??? because those confidential locker combos are obvi displayed on the main book shelf and not like, in a locked file cabinet???) and then breaks into his car and steals his little spying equipment. Then she wears a jumpsuit and tells Platty McHathaway to basically fuck off and drown. You don’t mess with Assistant Coach Emily Fields.
Meanwhile, Aria is all like But Detective Gap Tooth Tanner (any relationship to Michelle?) Ezra is a good man! He doesn’t serial date teenagers! But like he does. Also, since when do the cops know about Ezra’s pedo-filandering? And another pressing question: Did Aria’s mom accidentally crazy glue herself in a blazer? Like I get that she wears them during the day but then she asks Aria how she looks in her engagement partay outfit, then they show her and she’s wearing another fucking business jacket. She’s like a never nude but more like an always blazer.
Next on the list is Spencer, glorious Spencer. She actually killed it last night especially in her 3 blind mice glasses. NOTE TO MATILDA: They don’t give you blind-sunglasses just because you got a couple drops in your eyes. But anyway, she not only tells Caleb that he needs to get his and Hanna’s shit together but also pokes Noel Kahn like she’s taming an elephant. It was a sight for sore eyes (get it?).
Hanna: Even the doorknob smells like Ali.
Spencer: Why were you smelling the doorknob?
You know who didn’t kill it last night? Alison. Like if you’re gonna stay in Rosewood, at least wear something cool and not that blinding (lol) studded choker top and pink blazer. You’re at school, not getting the business woman special at Warped Tour.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ALWAYS CROSS THEIR ARMS.
Last but never least, Hanna debuts her super cool punk rock n roll jacket with a very special Rosewood embroidery on the back. Very Jax Teller. Her mom finds her flask - YES SHE HAS MOVED ON TO THE FLASK - while “Beautiful Disaster" plays in the background. After hearing a lecture from world’s best mom/ex-thief Ashley Marin, Hanna gets even more pissed off when her mom lets Ali use her moisturizer. Hanna is really protective over Ashley’s toiletries. WHAT’S NEXT YOUR LUFFA?
Alison: And one of my best friends doesn’t even answer my SOS call or tell me they’re going to get froyo when they know that’s this months flavor is my favorite!
…Could you BE anymore annoying?
Emily decides to take a solo bike ride in the dark only to discover Noel parked on the street listening to a recording of Ali’s conversation on worlds loudest phone. But fear not, Detective Lance Armstrong is on the case!
Ali: If I fall then we all fall and A wins.
Spencer: I really wouldn't mind if you fell.
Omg Aria’s mom is such a good teacher she lets Aria skip class to set up for her engagement party!
Syd gets treated like shit during this episode, first patronized by Spencer then told to die by Emily. But I also just realized her name is Syd and can’t stop laughing… “COME ON SYD” - Jenna
Caleb to Hanna: “I have never seen you turn down free food. You once sucked dick for a free burrito.”
“I don’t know man, she has a pretty good sense of humor and she didn’t find you funny at all.” ooo Caleb BURNNNN
The entire scene with Spencer v. Noel was amazing. At first Spencer was scared because she thought a dick might come out through that sheet peephole. But then Noel revealed himself and she told him to suck it with her fireplace stick.
How many girls in Rosewood are in love with Emily? She’s like Theres’s Something About Mary if Mary was an awful actress.
Caleb: “HEY what’s wrong with Cancun? Don’t knock it till you been there"… WORD CALEB. But why do you live in the cabin from the movie Misery?
Anyone going to say soothing about Syd and Jenna wearing matching outfits or is that not a conversation starter?
Ashley Marin: Alison is that the man who kidnapped you?
Alison: Ugh who knows anymore.
Why is everyone just like CHILL with the fact that theres this hooded freak going to doctor’s appointments in a full hood and OJ gloves like, NO ONE DOES THAT.
So Aria’s dad conveniently decides to come back from ‘Cuse just for this one episode!? He gives her comforting words like, "You make this small world seem so much bigger” … because she put on a few pounds? Also, THAT WAS WAY TOO MUCH INFO ABOUT ARIA’S PARENTS FIRST APARTMENT.