Pretty Little Liars Recap: A Flannel A Day Keeps The Lesbians at Bay

By The Betches

So last night was Pretty Little Liars' 100th episode and yet these girls are just as fucking clueless as they were on episode one. I think we can safely say that the biggest thing to happen over the years was Ali’s returning from the dead about 50 pounds heavier than when she was last hit with a shovel. Speaking of wanting to hit people with a shovel, someone has got to kill Bruce soon or I’m gonna lose it. Her flannels combined with her bitching and obsessive stalking of Emily are making her too gay to function on this show. But not to worry because apparently 70% of Rosewood’s female population is bisexual with there being more girl on girl action than an all girls pool party with Michelle Rodriguez.

Also, how are these girls STILL in high school? It’s supposed to be 4 years but I’m pretty sure they’ve experienced like 15 Halloweens and Spencer got rejected from Penn two seasons ago. Do the actual actors have to turn 35 before they have these bitches graduate?

Call outs

Aria wins the award for continuing to fuck someone despite the most amount of deal breakers ever recorded in history. Let’s recount just a few of them.

- He’s 20 something. You’re like, 16.
- He’s your and all your friends' English teacher. Nothing weird there.
- He has a fake bastard love child that turned out not to be his but with whom he is still obsessed.
- He also hooked up with your missing best friend Ali mysteriously before her disappearance.
- He then lied to you about knowing her.
- He started dating you knowing exactly who you were but pretending he didn’t while still being your ENGLISH TEACHER.
- He was writing a book about your seemingly dead friend and your involvement in her disappearance which he neglected to mention.

How poor is this town that everyone including queen bitch Alison and Jenna take the bus? Speaking of that, why do none of these girls have a car? They live in the suburbs, why are they always fucking walking home at night despite being perpetually stalked by a hooded villain?

Ugh this new swim bitch is so annoying. I like how PLL references Adele Dazeem so they can pretend to keep up with the times even though none of them can keep up enough to you know, invest in a security system for any of their homes.

Christ how many same sex oriented people are there in Rosewood? “Those kisses weren’t just for practice or one sided.” Emily has hooked up with more girls on this show than any other girl has hooked up with guys combined. They should rename Rosewood to Lesbos. 

Bruce: Jenna’s a blind girl that used to go to our school. Shana used to date her. - I love the casual tone in which Bruce describes a dead girl that went to their school 10 days ago.

Chill with the condescending tone Spencer, was it not 3 episodes ago you were jonesing for Adderall?
Hanna: Are they together now?
Spencer: Have you been drinking again?

The person in Ali’s grave is some random blonde girl from Radley? Um, was no one wondering where the fuck this girl was for the past three years?

Oh someone casually bombed the house they’re all in together and destroyed half the house and a car and almost killed them? Now would be a good time to continue to not involve the cops or tell the truth. 

LOL Moments

Yeah, I’m sure Hanna is doing anything for any kind of science project involving a telescope but not involving Dip n’ Dots. Business conservative? I’d rather wear vomit.

What is this fucking haircut, Toby? Every week he looks more like Cara Delevingne.

“She used to call them gaymons. Like gay morons.” I’m surprised Ali was an HBIC for so long given her very uncreative #9 nicknames.

Spencer dressed as an Amish woman on the 4th of July. Cool scarf Spence, are you a male contestant on the Bachelor now? 

Spencer’s mom comes to pick her up from school and announce that she’s leaving her dad. “Spencer Hastings please report to the office your outfit is too fugly to function.” But really, you couldn’t wait until after school to leave Spencer’s father, Mariska Hargitay? Especially being that you know, it’s the first day back for her friend that’s been kidnapped and just returned after 3 years!?

Lucas: So my girlfriend is coming into town tonight. I’m having a party so she can meet all my friends.
Hanna: I didn’t know you had a girlfriend…or friends.

“Last night she was staring blind daggers at you.”

Wear another flannel shirt Bruce, I dare you. She looks like a lipstick lumberjack.

Emily brings together her ex girlfriend and her secret crush for an apology session. For some reason, Alison is dressed like she raided my grandma’s closet. Oh right it’s because of all the weight she’s gained from slowly eating Hanna for the past three years.

Ali is undergoing a regular Mean Girls trust circle confession: “I used to put people down to feel better about myself. Now I do it because it’s fun.”

Caleb is back and looking way hotter without his long Navajo hair.

What is this incognito meeting between Mona, Jenna, and who I think is the new lesbian on the swim team? Is it called Lesbians Against Alison because it has a much stronger following than Mothers Against Drunk Driving. But really these girls need to chill with all the sunglasses for their top secret meetings. They’re three annoying high school sluts not fucking Men in Black.

“You’re scared because you know it’s not going to take me long to win over your army of losers.” This bitch slap fight was epic. Given the way this show is going I’m surprised Mona and Ali didn’t immediately have sex after that.

SERIOUSLY THIS MUSIC I CAN’T. Like, a remake of I’LL BE WATCHING YOU!? maybe instead of listening to The Police covers you should maybe fucking CALL THE POLICE.

Caleb: Travis is a nice guy. I didn’t come back to screw that up. I came back to tell you you’re wearing too many beanies.

Ugh A is back and eating an entire cheese pizza? What a fat ass, I’m starting to suspect it’s Hanna.






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