By Betch Waldorf

We begin the episode Spencer naked in bed with Caleb, because remember, they fucked last week. Talk about a major upgrade from Quasimodo Toby. Spencer gets the text from A and goes to meet her friends later that day, blaming her lateness on some bullshit town hall meeting. Everyone knows that’s code for “I just got boned.”

Emily swears that Sara sent the text, and it’s like, why are you so obsessed with Sara? Can you chill the fuck out and realize that creature is like immobile, therefore can probs not stalk you like this.

EMILY: She has burns on her hands that prevent her from doing anything involving hand-eye coordination but I bet she sent that text. -  Well, that’s not really how burns work, Emily. See this is why you dropped out of medical school.

Hanna is randomly talking about her boss throwing shit at her and I don’t blame her boss at all. Her boss was probs like “take a chance. Hire the dumb, fat girl.”

Hanna is like “here I’ll solve the problem” and types back to A “new phone who dis?” and A is like, “bitch u know me.” WOW WAY TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY HANNA. The camera pans to dramatic looks from all the girls and the theme song. Fuck, I need a glass of wine.

They call Ali who is like “I’m on a dairy farm, so can we raincheck.” Okay, town hall meetings and dairy farms? Wtf is this, the 1930’s? I’m pretty sure my hometown hasn’t done a town hall meeting since the fucking Gold Rush.

They are like “Ezra obvi did it”, and Aria flips out because she’s Aria and she’s literally only on this show to flip out and wear the fugly clothes that Ashley Benson refuses to wear (Spoiler alert: I fucking hate Aria.) They girls don’t believe her because Ezra kicked them out of his apartment, which is like, so fucked up. I mean all they did is adamantly accuse him of brutally murdering someone. Like, no need to be so hasty and ask us to leave your residence.

Ezra: No I didn’t!
Ezra: Get out.
Liars: I honestly feel so attacked right now

Lorenzo shows up on the TV screen, looking like some President Snow shit. “This is a message from the Capitol: we’re looking into Charlotte’s murder, and if anyone has seen the Mockingjay, holler at me.” The whole restaurant stops to watch Lorenzo, but it’s so hard to take him seriously when you know he has to put his mask back on and become Brittney Wilson again in 10 minutes and model for Hamptons Magazine.

Aria’s dad shows up to the hotel and everyone is like OMG ARIA WHAT’S YOUR DAD DOING HERE!? IN PUBLIC? PARENTS ARENT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE LIVING ROOMS OF OUR HOUSES! Aria doesn’t even say hi to her own father, she’s just like, huh, that’s weird. Again, I hate Aria.

A texts them a picture of a 9-iron golf club and is like “I have the murder weapon” and someone goes “you could kill someone with that!” Yes. Yes, you can. That’s why it’s called the fucking murder weapon, you dipshit.

A is like “know who this belongs to?” Uhm, that’s pretty fuckin’ generic A. That’s like holding up a fucking spatula and going “WHOSE IS THIS?!”

Aria goes to Ezra’s café and starts asking Pot Girl, whose name is Sabrina but that’s irrelevant, where tf is Ezra? Turns out he left town because he is depressed, womp womp.

Aria tries to trick Pot Girl into letting her into Ezra’s apartment and Pot Girl doesn’t buy it for a second. You go Pot Girl. Weed was recently proven to not affect your IQ, so suck on that Aria. You know what? This has inspired me to roll a joint. Welcome to a crossfaded Pretty Little Liars Recap. It’s happening.

We’re back at Spencer’s and things are very political and very awkward. Kinda like a dinner at my great aunt Mary Sue’s house in rural Texas.

Caleb asks Spencer if she left in morning because he was bad in bed and she’s like NO YOU WERE PERFECT and it’s like, ok we have a stage 5 clinger everyone.

Spencer pretends to talk about politics and some guy gives her a burn book on their competition. She’s like “I will eat, sleep and live this book” and you know Caleb is like “goddammit I can’t believe I fucked this girl.” I hope shit like this actually happens- I could totes imagine Bernie Sanders just browsin’ through one of these bad boys.

BOOK: “Hillary Clinton- made out with a hotdog.”
Hil: “That was one time!”

Some bitch, apparently the daughter of the opposing family, shows up in the book. Some bitch named Yvonne. Oh that’s a French ass name, Yvonne. My little croissant. My little croissant with cheese. (Anyone understand this joke? Get back to me.) Apparently Caleb knows Yvonne and thinks she’s nice. Spencer’s like WELL TIME FOR HER TO DIE.

Caleb asks Spencer to go on a drive. Again, what year are we in? ”Wanna go on a drive and too the sock-hop with me Sandra Dee?” Caleb is then like “Should I move out?” and Spencer is like WHAT NO!!!!! and just like that, they decide to live together. That escalated quickly.

Hanna is facetiming her weird ass fiancé who looks like any catalog male model ever. Of course, her Facetime has fucking perfect quality. This Facetime session was made by Steven Spielberg or some shit.

Her fiancé, Jordan, is like “I’m taking the company plane” and she’s like okay “I’ll get you in the jag my friend from home lent me.” All my hometown friends are working 8-5 and living in studio apartments, but okay, whatever.

Hanna: Flying in a private jet makes first class feel like coach. - Oh eat a dick, Hanna.

Emily’s like “he’s nice, handsome and likes you. What’s wrong with Jordan?” And Hanna is like “oh you didn’t notice his weird accent and his generically boring face?” Seriously, was one of the PLL writers taking a shit one day, browsing through a Sears catalog from 2011 and see this dude and think “he should be on the next season”? This dude is BASIC.

Hanna tells Emily about Spencer and Caleb and Emily is shocked. Why are you shocked Emily? Spencer has pretty much fucked all your ex-lovers, except Paige because even Spencer’s skanky ass won’t date that water buffalo.

Hanna is like “I lied to Jordan about the deleting the tape, but if he forgives me then we’ll get married.” Lying and forgiveness, that’s basically what marriage is, right? Men are from Mars, woman are from Venus.

Caleb goes to visit our favorite crater face, who is building a house still. Suddenly, Yvonne comes out of the trailer and starts cozying up to Toby. WHAAAAAT!?! Caleb and Yvonne start joking and talking about TV and power tools and Toby is laughing in the background with the generic “I have no idea what the fuck you are talking about” face.

Does Yvonne live in that trailer with Toby? Is A torturing her too? There is no other excuse for that living arrangement.

They talk about how they binge on the “Tonight Show” because they love Jimmy Fallon and I’m like, way too stoned to pretend I care about this at all. French ass Yvonne starts mentioning how Caleb works for the Hastings family and Toby pulls an Ace Ventura: Reeeeeeeaaaahhhllllly?

Caleb’s like “I make the girls I love food, and you’re building a house” and it’s like a) you dated Hanna for 5 years, so food was pretty much your only option and b) it’s not like Toby has much else going for him, he’s gotta go big on this shit.

Toby’s like “so are you in love with anyone?” and Caleb is like “I fell in love with Spencer a couple years ago” and Toby is holding a chainsaw, trying not cry and is like “AWESOMEEEEEE.” Why is Toby acting like this? He has a girlfriend, right? I’m not high and imagining this shit? He starts acting really weird and saunters off to his trailer.

Aria is having a panic attach in a fugly yellow sweater with a zebra print on it and it’s officially my worst nightmare. Who made this sweater? Who did this shit? I want you to sit in the corner and think about what you did. Who needs Isis at this point? The PLL costume staff is all the terrorism this country can handle. Hey Trump, you wanna make America great again? Step one: fire whoever dresses these people.

Aria tells Emily to distract Pot Girl so she can get into Ezra’s apartment. Emily supposedly likes Pot Girl and doesn’t want to lie to her. Oh, pull your tampon out, Emily and just fuckin’ do it. They are going to see if the golf club is missing, and it’s like, does she have Ezra’s golf clubs memorized?

Em: Are we going to text a picture of the missing murder weapon to A?
Aria: no, but at least we’ll know what we’re up against. - A crazy murderer with a golf club- that’s what you’d be up against. That’s what you’re technically already up against. I feel like that was pretty self-explanatory.

Spencer is reviewing her burn book in public and reading about Yvonne and Toby. Who stalks their ex on Facebook anymore? It’s all about stalking them in a thick, printed out folder. Turns out, Toby bought an engagement ring for Yvonne and plans to propose at a family lunch. Getting proposed to at a lunch in front of my family? That honestly sounds like my worst fucking nightmare, only second to getting proposed to at Disneyland. Meanwhile, someone in a black town car is very openly taking pictures of Spencer. Obviously it’s not A, because A is fucking better than that.

Emily is talking to PG about how she doesn’t have a phone, computer or Facebook. Okay this girl is fucking weird. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t have an internet presence. If I can’t thoroughly stalk your profile, you’re sketch.

Aria breaks into the very unlocked safe and steals the keys to Ezra’s apartment. Does anyone else work at this place or is it a free for all? Only Ezra and PG are preoccupied this place falls apart.

PG and Emily are flirting and it’s like, hold tight to this one, Em because it’s only a matter of time before Spencer and her big bird nose swoop in and steal her.

Hanna tells her mom about erasing the video and Hanna’s mom is like ugh, this shit again. Hanna’s mom is like “why are you covering for your shitty friends?” And Hanna’s dumbass is like “what’s the big deal- no evidence, no crime.” UH THAT’S NOT REALLY HOW ANYTHING WORKS.

Lawyer: Well as you can see Your Honor, there is no evidence. So therefore, there is no crime.
Judge: Uh, no. Someone was still murdered.
Lawyer: wait what

All the security tapes are backed up and sent to “the farm” somewhere, so they’ll see it and know a) Aria was there and b) Hanna erased it. So essentially, it doesn’t fucking matter. You know Hanna is like “oh Ali’s at the dairy farm! I’ll ask if she can get it!”

Aria breaks into Ezra’s apartment and immediately is able to find his golf clubs in a cabinet in his kitchen, wtf? Don’t you have like a closet to store those in? Why is your sporting equipment in your fucking pantry? Aria sees that the 9 iron is still there and she’s very relieved. Now that he’s not a murderer, she is for sure gonna fuck him again.

Spencer goes to the pre-meeting to the stupid as fuck town hall meeting, where she is supposed to debate Yvonne. She creepily sees Toby pacing around in public with his engagement ring, clearly deep in thought as much as any Animorph could be. It’s only a few more minutes now until he fully transforms into a lizard.

Ok, what is this debate between daughters? This is not real. Could you imagine Chelsea Clinton v. Bristol Palin? That would be fucking magical. America, if you’re listening, let’s make that happen. 

Spencer stares down Yvonne and Toby because that’s not obvious or anything. A texts her and is like ‘I guess Yvonne is better than you lol sucks to suck” and Spencer is like OKAY THAT’S JUST MEAN.

Aria is in Ezra’s apartment, still, and decides, fuck it, she already broke in, might as well listen to his messages. Okay, who owns a fucking landline anymore? And more important, WHO LEAVES VOICEMAILS? The only person who leaves me voicemails are my grandma and my waxer, confirming my appointment, and those messages are left ON MY CELL PHONE. Again, back to the stone age with this shit.

Anyway, she listens to the messages. One is from some bitch named Stephanie. How do I know she’s a bitch? Every shitty, bitchy person in the world is named Stephanie. It’s a fact. I bet Stephanie is A. Mystery solved.
And the other one is from her dad saying he needs to talk about “what he saw.” Ruh roh.

Aria barges into Emily’s conversation, that she forced her to have, and is super fucking rude. PG is like “Jesus Christ go smoke a doobie, you fucking psycho.” I, sitting at home, take a hit and say “righttttt?”

Hanna tells Jordan about the erasing the tape and is like, are you mad? Of course, he’s like UGH YOU’RE SO LOYAL I LOVE YOU. Obstruction of justice is like, so romantic.

Hanna promises she won’t lie to Jordan anymore- fat chance. Right as she says that, Hanna gets a text from A telling her not to tell Jordan about A. So basically, we’re back to lying to Jordan within .47 seconds. Ah, the circle of life.
Hanna calls Spencer who is like I REALLY WANNA TELL CALEB and Hanna is like WE GET IT, YOU’RE FUCKING MY EX.

Spencer decides to tell Caleb because maybe he can shut it down, but before does, she erases the text about wanting to marry Toby, because it’s honestly so embarrassing that she even has feelings for him at all. Caleb sees the text and looks way more stressed than any of the liars do.

Spencer is on the phone with Emily, telling her that Caleb is figuring out where the text came from, when she runs into Yvonne and Toby strolling down the street holding hands and giggling. Fucking losers.

Spencer practices her lines about pretending to like Yvonne and then realizes that Toby didn’t propose, because he’s a big fat pussy. Yvonne actually seems very nice, normal and likeable- I wonder when she’ll reveal herself to be on the A team and subsequently die a painful death. I’m betting episode 8.

Emily is chilling in a living room and a very angry old man is watching her from outside the window. Fucking chill out, Grandpa. Who knew the man from “Up” was so fucking hostile. Of course, Emily’s dumbass doesn’t notice him because she’s too busy fantasying about PG’s vagina and softball games, and idk other lesbian things.

Aria calls her dad who is like “Sorry, I can’t talk right now” and Aria’s like “it’s an emergency” and Byron is like “text me I’m going into a tunnel.” Camera goes to Byron who is like “she knows.” LOL, don’t give her that much credit. These bitches literally don’t know anything.

Aria has a flashback to when she caught her parents arguing about Charlotte. Apparently, Aria’s mom visited her, and Byron was mad that she did. Aria’s mom was like “I feel really bad for Charlotte” and Byron is like “I WANT HER TO DIE.” And Aria is like, isn’t that sketchy that my loving dad hates the girl that tortured me for 5 years? Hmmmm.

It’s discovered that Aria’s dumbass forgot to return the key to Ezra’s loft, which is so obviously labeled LOFT. Does no one understand that there are murders and stalkers in this town? Seriously Rosewood has to be high in the rankings for “Cities with Most Amount of Crime” because it’s pretty much got a population of 24 and someone girls murdered or kidnapped every 3 weeks.

Hanna lies to a lawyer hired by Jordan, as expected, and doesn’t tell them about A.

Spencer goes to find Toby, packing up to go camping, and makes some snide comment. They have a conversation that reminds me of any talk I had with my high school ex during my first year of college- filled with insults and sexual tension.

Caleb and Spencer go to find where the source of the A texts are coming from and Spencer makes some terrible joke about being a couple that Caleb doesn’t laugh at, like at all.

SPENCER: Oh you didn’t get my joke? I’m just gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo.

Caleb asks Spencer why she deleted the text about Toby, and she’s like “you saw it?” and he’s like “I’m a fucking hacker dude. That’s literally what I do.” She says some bullshit about being “new” and blah blah, and of course Caleb forgives her because all the men on this show have more wide-set vaginas than the girls.

Emily goes to Ezra’s cafe in a very short, leather studded skirt. Finally, they don’t dress Emily like a fucking lumberjack, they just dress her like Madonna circa 1985. Emily goes to return the key and PG is like, well wtf. PG is like “I’m locking this box tomorrow”, which like idk, should have been done a long fucking time ago. PG’s like “LIFE IS SHORT EMILY, SAVE YOUR LIES” which is a blazed way of saying “go fuck yourself.”

Hanna goes to the police station and they learn that the security company just happened to lose the security tape backup drive, what luck. I mean, who saw that coming?

Back to Spencer and the guy who could be doing a lot better, Caleb. They end up at an empty storage locker in the middle of the night. Can none of the sketchy shit be handled in the daylight? There is nothing but a trashcan in the unlocked storage locker (seriously Rosewood, invest in a locksmith) and inside it is the phone and A’s clothes. They get a text saying “I’m hiding in plain sight” or some other generic bullshit and Spencer is like “it’s happening again huh?” Very good, Spencer.

Aria breaks into her Dad’s car to find his golf club and notices his 9 iron is missing. She only notices it because she literally has to count the clubs out loud: “okay club 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, omg 9 is missing. Ugh lemme count again”

Meanwhile, Hanna’s mom comes home, pours herself a drink and looks at her stolen copy of the security tape back-up. Oh looks like Hanna’s mom took a trip to the farm, yeehaw. Again, how not shocking is this? I’m so high I’m dipping Thin Mint cookies into peanut butter, and I still called that one. On a side note, this shit is delicious.

Yvonne and Spencer are giving a very generic PSA about voting (shoutout to Iowa for being useful for once and shutting up Trump) and everything seems to be going well. They open the floor up to questions, and you’re like SHIT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.

Meanwhile, Hanna’s mom is distracted and Hanna sneaks into her office, wait wtf? Is it me or has there been an awful lot of breaking into people’s shit lately? Like, more than usual.

Hanna can’t figure out the password so Aria is like, HERE CALEB, HELP UR EX GF and that’s awkward. Turns out, the password is Hanna’s birthday. Because fucking duh. That’s like every parent’s password. My mom and my dad both use my birthday as a password and I have 3 other siblings #favorite.

They are trying to figure out who A is. Is it Sara? Is it Byron? It’s Stephanie you fucking morons, I already told you.

Okay, so update: nothing happens with the questions. I’m disappointed, A. You really missed your chance.

Toby and Spencer start talking and Spencer is like “I’ll stay out of your way” and Toby’s like YES PLEASE GO THE FUCK AWAY. Obvi something is going to happen between them.

The Liars and Caleb re-examine the photo of the golf club A sent and notice the carpet is the same as the Radley’s carpet. Shocker! There is another fucking murder in the insane asylum. And you’ve had that photo for days now, couldn’t you have figured that out a while ago?

The angry old postman walks by wearing a bellhop costume, very obviously in a mask. I bet it’s Lorenzo. He’s used to masks with all the costume changes from FBI agent to social debutante.

The episode ends with Aria’s dad saying “he needs to talk to her alone” and the angry old man leaving in a black town car and taking off his mask. Overall, a pretty basic episode where we are just as confused as ever, and way more fucked up then when the episode started.




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