Pretty Little Liars Recap: These Are My Confessions

By The Betches

Just when we started to get excited that Alison “skipped town" (at least temporarily) they replaced her presence with something even more annoying, the resurgence of the Ravenswood plot. Riddle us this ABCF, if we gave a shit about Caleb and his fucking little fireflies, wouldn't we still be watching Ravenswood and he would be sleeping just fine? Like what, are we really bringing ghosts into the already unrealistic but still-in-this-realm world of PLL? And irrelevantly plugging in Ouija board immediately after the Ouija movie commercial? Is it sad that I’m genuinely impressed that Pretty Little Liars hasn’t gone supernatural on us yet? Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries googling pics of Mike Montgomery.

So last night a bunch of things happened with all The Liars! Yay. The most important being Spencer. After Spencey got out of her SS getup and into something more Cher Horowitz appropriate, she found out via video confession that her brilliant sister killed Bethany Young…but actually only after Spencer hit Bethany with a shovel, nearly killing her.  Best day ever. To this we pose three questions: 1. Really Melissa? Your first thought after seeing a girl who may or may not be dead to just like, bury her? That’s absurd. 2. Why are you lurking in the forest during a thunderstorm? 3. Must the Hastings sisters pepper their confessions with weird fucking poems?

Meanwhile, Emily was seen canoodling with Ezra in his apartment with his spy tools. But REALLY with that tight cut out dress and knee high socks? What, after swim practice did you have plans to perform an Asian pop song at the mall? Side note: Why can Ezra do better detective work than actual detectives? Is his spy kit really that much more superior than all other spy kits? Why do we keep calling Ezra creepily stalking teenagers "his research?”

Also Emily makes a slip that she thinks Alison is A! Big mistake. HUGE…. It could be Alison or it could be Mona or it could be Melissa. It could be Aria’s mom or it could be Spencer’s dad or it could be Paige or Caleb. You guys need to surround yourself with better people.

All the while Hanna is playing intervention with Caleb. I thought we weren’t drinking anymore! lets just hope they don’t go anywhere with this Ravenswood bullshit, the last thing I need right now is the ghost of like Miranda Hobbes' past haunting Rosewood.

Lastly, Aria couldn’t help herself last night and wore the most horrible outfits she could have possibly worn. I mean I remember when she wore that cheetah blazer last week but I wasn’t fully able to absorb how absolutely hideous it was. I shielded my eyes, TBH. But then it got worse when she went to some fucking old movie convention dressed as a loser accompanied by her dad who wore a fedora, Mike, and Mona. She then saw Paige who for some reason was dressed as Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman / Betty from the Flinstones. Sounds like the world’s worst Friday night. Then this conversation should have happened in the powder room:

Mona: I have to ask you something.
Aria: What?
Mona: Why are you wearing that fucking scarf?

Call Outs / LOL Moments

Bruce: Sydney may be a liar but she’s a damn good swimmer and she gives great head.

So we’ve found out that Bethany was dressed as Alison when she was killed. Which means Ms. D was a total creeper and dressed this poor girl in Alison’s clothes for reasons unknown.

Spencer on the phone with Toby: Do I call you officer Toby or cadet Toby?… It’s always easier when you’re here..
Hanna: Can you NOT?

If I ever walked in on my friend crying while reciting poems to my computer screen I would video tape it and upload it to YouTube. Why so serious, Spence? Melissa isn’t dying you can like still whatsapp her. I’d love it if Spencer started playing Sporcle immediately after listening to Melissa’s confession.

FINALLY someone tells Detective Tanner that she shouldn’t be questioning the girls without any parents around! However he loses all credit because he was wearing a fedora 5 minutes earlier.

Pause. This episode was actually called "No One Here Can Love or Understand Me." Excuse me what? 

Best plot twist ever: If A was really Alison and this entire time she was just torturing her friends, watching them read their text messages and stare at each other for 5 minutes after, like just because she was bored.

A normal conversation on this show:
Spencer: Hey, when was the last time you saw Caleb?
Toby: Um, a couple nights ago after my house blew up.




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