Pretty Little Liars Recap: Parrots, Penn, and Pretty Ugly Outfits

By The Betches

Pretty Little Liars was hilarious last night, hilarious in that it was so fucking stupid a parrot could have narrated the whole thing. Oh wait. In the end we see the parrot does not survive and ends up getting pretty nicely roasted by Mario Batali aka "A." So what did we learn last night? Toby's mom has something to do with the plot but that something was very uninteresting. Spencer's a reject, in many ways. (However, if Spencer can't get into Penn and Bruce can get into Stanford then we predict her rejection has something to do with Nanny Carrie Melissa.) Hanna obviously gets dressed in the dark. Emily gets fucked up and goes swimming. Nothing wrong here. And Aria wears wedge sneakers to do kara-tay. Unagi. 


I’m not into this skirt Hanna's wearing. It looks like the wallpaper of the Soprano’s dining room.

The PLL writers cannot get enough of jokes that refer to Hanna as fat / dumb:

"I spent two summers at fat camp swimming in a parka." 

Spencer to Hanna: "Put down the mozzarella stick."

"The last book I finished was the hungry caterpillar"

"This parrot sounds just like Ali"

"Don't worry sweetie I don't think she taught her Hefty Hanna" - Ali's mom, 2 for 2

Also, why are Hanna and her mom constantly walking through their house in the dark? Has anyone in this town ever heard of Slomin’s Shield? Seeing as they’re being attacked bi-weekly you’d think they’d invest in some higher home-security than say, a large array of fugly outfits.


Into this new karate teacher. Why’s everyone in Rosewood hot? With the very large exception of Toby.

It would be way more realistic if this karate teacher showed up to Aria’s house and was like, "You're still wearing the same clothes from today?...Ew."


Seriously Bruce, you need to chill out with these virtual dorms

Bruce: "They're gonna want you. Maybe not as much as I do but maybe that's a good thing."  - on Stanford. Okay I’ve just about had it with this love affair. Like, why are Paige and Emily the only two people who make out on this show? 

Ah is Emily going to be the token painkiller / roid girl? I hope she gets facial hair and pecs so Bruce will like her more.

My reaction to Emily hitting her head into the wall: OMG HAHHAAHAHAHA

"I wanna live in that room on your computer...with me and you starting a new life" … EMILY YOU'RE GOING TO COLLEGE YOU’RE NOT MOVING TO BALI. This is starting to sound like an ‘It Gets Better’ video.


How many times did Spencer have to practice raising her eyebrow to get that down?

Ugh Spencer's such a loser with her french fry geography.

Spencer is rejected from UPenn. I guess they weren’t interested in her whole 'macaroni necklace creator in the mental institution’ as an extracurricular activity. Also it's called checking your admission status online and it’s usually what you do post 2010.

I love how Spencer lives in a town where someone's trying to kill her every other week and her sister may have killed her best friend, yet she's devastated about not getting into Penn.

Toby’s wearing a little bit too much #101 makeup.


To Hanna: "The other foot prints were high heels. The kind Alison and your father used to wear."

Ali / Her Weird Ass Bird 

How cool could Allison have been if she spent a summer hanging out with a fucking parrot?

This parrot is a better actor than Emily.




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