March 4, 2015
Was last night’s episode even necessary? The entire thing was about Alison taking the plea deal and fucking Hanna over but in the end she just changes her mind. But only AFTER Hanna gets arrested and forced to wear fugly orange. I feel more emotion when choosing froyo toppings than Ali felt sending her bestie to prison. Let’s recap:
First question. Where is like, Alison’s dad? Shouldn’t he be present when she speaks to a lawyer in prison, she’s 12.
Ali’s Lawyer: The police are already building a case aginast the person they believed helped you, Hanna Marin — WOW Rosewood policia are really good at their job.
Alison in jail is a total joke. Who even attacked her, a rabid dog? Alison’s shriek when seeing her attacker with the clothing iron was beyond ridiculous. She was more dramatic than that bitch in the Birds movie, when like 292818 birds attacked her at once. It’s a fucking person Ali, use your mad skills and fight back. Insult their hair or something.
While everyone is worried about going to prison, murderers, and being single in college, Spencer is busy shacking up with her sister and the least British guy ever to appear on television.
Want to go to the theAYtre with me? - PLL’s Collin, and Tobias Funke
Spencer: I don’t like Shakespeare, I LOVE Shakespeare.
What a freak. The writers for Spencer must have hated nerds in high school. Can’t wait for the ep where Spencer has to investigate someone’s murder that has to do with plant forensics: I don’t like photosynthesis, I LOVE photosyenthsis!!!!!!!
Spencer insists on thanking him but Colin doth protests. If you REALLY want to thank me, you
can buy me a pint after give me a bj during intermission.
Melissa comes to the apartment and cue touching sister moment: “Isn’t that what Sisters are supposed to do, share clothes, hook up with each other’s fiancés and cover up murders?"
Later, Spencer is super stressed because Hanna is being arrested for murder: "This just isn’t a good time for me to interview for college, there’s a lot going on with my friends.”
Colin: I make a brilliant hot toddy. — Someone on this writing staff needs to be fired.
Then she finds out there was no interview after all and it was all just a ploy by Mama and Sister Hastings to keep Spencer away from the brilliant Rosewood Police so that she is not a suspect in Mona’s murder. Because escaping the country isn’t at all suspicious.
Spencer: SO YOU LIED TO KEEP ME SAFE SO THAT I DON’T GO TO JAIL? FUCK YOU.
Sweet stupid Aria is still getting notes in her locker from her sweet nerd beau Andrew. I was like, couldn't he have texted? Fb messaged? Emailed? There are so many means of communication these days I tooootally forgot about the written word.
Then Emily sees this note and is all like WHOA there, you’re seeing someone that is cute, smart and your age!? I do not approve. Em doesn’t even have a right to be judgmental, she has literally hooked up with all of the town’s lesbians.
Rosewood’s Three’s Company, Aria, Emily, and Ezra, set off to find out who framed Hanna. Ezra, an adult, is is like yeah, I’ll help a couple of teenage girls trespass and fuck up a murder investigation. So he pretends he wants franchising advice from a lawyer but then just demands the lawyer break his attorney client privilege, because he and his slender arms are so intimidating.
The lawyer is obvi guilty of something and surprise! Everyone follows him into this big gated house where he does something in a safe and takes his gun. He obvi doesn't suspect he’s being followed by Emily because she’s naturally so discreet. Except for the times she knocks down everything she comes in contact with. It's called DO NOT DISTURB.
AH HA! In her little investigation Emily finds a receipt in the garbage (ew) for pizza ordered by who? VARJAK! Because everyone uses their alias when ordering an extra cheese pie. In fact I’m about to go order a slice under the name of Mike Littoris.
Ezra sees a text from Andrew to Aria, that says congrats on killing the test, beautiful. First, when did Aria have time to take a test and second, Aria should have been like, IDK, a former student who you used to teach, pedophile.
At the end, Aria wears her finest sequined top from Limited Too and meets with Ezra to officially end it.
Aria: When I get to college, I think I need to be single.
Ezra: Okay, then let’s end it now.
Aria: Fine, but can I have your study outlines?
Oh Shit. Hanna overhears her mother’s conversation with Spencer’s and finds out she is suspected for accessory to murder!
Ashley Marin: Why do the police think Hanna was involved??!!
Veronica Hastings: Well I don’t know almost any of the details of it… except that the Detective found body remains in the barrel that was outside the storage unit where she saw Hanna. And they found Hanna’s blood on the clothes Mona was wearing the day she was murdered.
Ashley: So really, you know all the details…
Veronica: Yeah I guess.
But really, what are the chances both Hanna AND her mom have been convicted in a murder case and sent to jail? That family needs a father figure.
Hanna goes to speak to someone for guidance. During this scene I was like, who is that Mexican Hanna is speaking to, then realized it was Caleb. Caleb suggested she tell her mom and the police. Finally someone is thinking. Hanna’s mom will understand, she’s a cool mom, and has also been in jail for murder. The police won’t, because they’re all fucking morons. And like, Toby works there.
But right when she tells the cops she has proof that she was framed her phone gets erased by A. Couldn’t she have like, screen shotted it or sent it to Toby? But the more pertinent question is why doesn’t Hanna have iOS8? She deserves to go to jail!
At least she looked hot in her mug shot.