Pretty Little Liars Recap: Horny for Horses

By The Betches

While we surprisingly had very little plot progression* last night, I can’t deny a borderline comedic episode when I see one. ABCF's brilliantly suggested hashtags like  #creepedouthanna to Zack’s extreme discretion while arbitrarily hitting on his finace’s daughter's BFFL to newfound Lieutenant Toady, last night’s ep was absolutely amazing. Let’s talk about what happened.

Somebody call the Barden Bellas because apparently the Liars have angelic harmony. The episode starts off in chorus class, because they’ve been taking chorus this whole time, instead of English now that Ezra has been shot and deemed irrelevant. "A" attacks the sheet music while Ali is being interrogated by detective gap tooth, it’s not her fault she’s so gap toothed, but it’s completely the girls' fault to not be like HELLO, does anyone think that we may need a lawyer, since our parents are the fucking worst? No? KK kewl.

Aria spends the episode in full camouflage to hide from something. What are you so afraid of Ari? Being a bridesmaid at your mom's joke of a wedding? Your mom’s weird pronunciation of many words? Your mom’s absolutely hidday wedding decor? Oh you know what, she was prob just trying to match the mucus hand made green tissue paper flowers they’re going to use to decorate the engagement party. Say yes to the gunshot to the head. Then Aria gets some intel (*plot progression) from Tastee, who apparently was never questioned by the cops - shocking- about the relationship between Bethany Young and Jessie Di. Basically, J takes Beth to ride a pony called Custard, tells her to call her Auntie, and asks to rub the lotion on it's skin.

Meanwhile Emily partakes in her favorite pastime, lurking around the swim team’s locker room, stalking Anne Hathaway Phelps and trying to cover up Hanna’s slip up with like, literally the world's worst lie. “Hanna loves to make shit up when she’s drunk like she told me we were in New York when we never went to New York!! How funny!?…DID SHE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT TO YOU? DID SHE? DID SHE?” Can someone tell me one thing Emily is good at except wearing tops with leather sleeves? And why did she act like she had cerebral palsy around that horse?

While this is all going on Spencer has boyfriend troubles because Toady decides to come back and say he wants to be a cop. And she’s all like noooo at first and then gets trapped in a fucking stable and then is like yesssssss. So selfishly betchy, at least for someone who dates a toad. Also, she must be doing really well in physics despite the fact that she only takes chorus because that horizontal ladder move was seriously brill. OH and the time she epicly calls out Hammered Hanna for her locker for reeking like Oktoberfest. “I’ve been riding English for 12 years.” Of course you have Spencer, of course you have.

Speaking of Hanna, this is like her best season yet. Drunk at all times, constantly craving food, bitching at her mom because she's always been asking to use those bathsalts. Apparently bathsalts are a hot commodity at the Marin house. HOW POOR. Also poor: waking up with rice krispies in your hair (picturing Hanna passed out while a Rice Krispie treat hangs half way out of her mouth) and wearing those ripped tights that scream “I’m the Rosewood hooker.” Not to sound anti-feminist but no wonder Zack thought they had a moment. But like, I’m not down with Creepy Zack, like what went down in Austria that he suddenly came back trolling for high school poon and looking like a cast member of Buckwild?

Call outs and LOL Moments

The parenting in this town is top notch:
- “Just on the phone with Dad, left something in his car” ….How would Aria leave something in her dad's car if he’s ALWAYS IN SYRACUSE!?
- Aria’s mom being all hard core with her maid of honor appointment time despite, I DON’T KNOW, her friend coming back from being kidnapped.
- Where the fuck is Ali’s dad going again? Didn’t Ali’s mom just die and didn’t she just like, return from the dead? Quick trip to ‘Cuse probs.

Speaking of Aria’s mom, why are you personally dropping your invitations off? That’s fucking weird bro. Go back to Austria.

Hanna WOULD only like California rolls. Spencer’s totally the uni type. Aria’s probs like I’ll have my avocado and cucumber rolls with some spicy mayo on the side and Emily’s like, BEER ME A BURGER.

Toady wants to become a cop because he wants to protect his BFFs and because he didn’t go to college.

Aria: I didn’t kill her I just gave her a freakin’ root beer.”… murder jokes Aria, and so soon?

This stable thing is casually so funny WHO THE FUCK GETS LOCKED IN A HORSE STABLE. WITH A LESBIAN.

Tastee: Nobody never take me to the circus! ...Sips her 4 Loco while eating cheetos because this show isn’t racist at all.

Who is breaking into the Marin’ house? Are the people from fat camp here to kidnap Hanna?

Hanna: Did you bring anything to cut this with? ...It’s not cocaine it’s called a chaser Hans

"BIG RHONDA SPILLED BIG BEANS. CALL ME" …Boring Emily literally has no reaction to this text message, probably thinking of Paige in a flannel, but if I ever got this text I would probably make fun of Aria for the rest of my life.

Alison is hands down so annoying, like obviously she called some guy (Noel Kahn, where is he by the way??) to break into HANNA'S house, which is totally psychotic. Can A kill her already like bitch needs to die.

Aria to Hanna: It was like playing charades with a drunkie, SOUNDS LIKE MURDER.

Toby: What happened to your eye, Spence?
Spencer: Cum shot.




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