Pretty Little Liars Recap: I Like Hanna Better When She's Wasted

By The Betches

What can we say about these prettay, prettay, prettay little hoodlums this week? TBH, contrary to their typical misguided, often moronic, actions, this week they actually made some fairly smart moves. And their outfits didn’t hurt my eyes that much either, minus Mona, who looked like she belonged on Disney’s deformed sister channel Misney. Let’s take a look...

After they’ve all been sitting on Ezra’s “spy stuff” Spencer had the sense to actually ask him to use it to SPY BACK on A! Omg didn’t get into Penn my ass, this girl is putting her wits to good use, albeit severely late. And alas, we saw Alison traipsing across her backyard! IN A HOOD! Are we bringing Alison’s twin theory back? Is Alison on team A somehow and she’s the one who put the rat in Bruce’s locker? Or was Alison just sneaking to the local bakery to get a late night chocolate croissant? THE PLOT MARGINALLY THICKENS.

Aria is doing some serious WERK at Radley. During her first days on the job she conveniently supervises art day and thinks to put out the creepy drawing they got from the dead girl. #smartgirlproblems am I right? Then, after meeting Radley’s own Tastee she goes “under cover” and takes the dead girl’s other drawings. (FYI I keep calling the dead girl dead girl because for the life of me I cannot remember her fucking name.) But because of Aria’s super smooth moves, she and Spencer uncover more deets to the mystery that no one cares about which is the death of Toby’s mom!! "TAKE PICTURES,” says Smart Aria.

Meanwhile, Hanna is totally killing it by looking super hot in her emo chic style and getting wasted any chance she gets. But the real reason she really wins this episode is because she basically tells Alison to go fuck herself, in the nicest way possible. Well minus the little drunk slip at the coffee shop when she told the Anne Hathaway double slash platypus mouth about New York. Shit happens. I mean she drank her vodka straight up at a dinner with Emily’s mom while pretending it was water, totes made up for it.

Lastly, Emily sort of did some shit right when she didn’t let our main bitch Benzo drive home when she was wasted. That’s about it. Emily needs to take a Xanax or something, I’m really getting bored of her concerned faces and her calling Bruce up in the wee hours of the night. However, her mom, aka Pam Fields, was totally a boss-man-Bing when she told her sweet girl Emily that her besties at the police force are not buying the kidnapping story and Emily needs to stop protecting Alison, even though she just made a lesbian matchmaking dinner for her. Are we confused? Yes? Gonna go with it? Def.


Oh it was definitely that swim bitch who choked Alison. Not that she could ever realistically do so, she’s the size of a pogo stick and Alison is more top heavy than a turkey.

Paige is such a pussy no pun intended, like you’re not gonna go to school? This rat thing is very Departed.

How many of these fucking girls have been patients at or worked in Radley? More girls go to the psych ward in this town than sleep away camp.

While I’m like really happy Hanna and Caleb are back togeths (there’s no Travis when you’re here), she and Caleb look like they’re about to rob a 711 and then attend a Green Day concert.

Remember the time when Hanna conveniently bumped into Detective Tom Cruise like three times an episode when it was relevant to the “plot” and now Caleb just keeps showing up everywhere? I have no follow up to this.

OH Dead Girl’s name is Bethany Young, just remembered. YES, still have some brain cells left post-college!!

Caleb: When I was away, I learned about my family, about myself, about the world.
…The fuck did you learn about the world Caleb you went a town over.

So like, A is going through Pam Fields’ mail? Is PAM really Emily’s mom’s name. We know a Pam and she is so not a Pam, more like a Jan or a Tara pronounced Tahhhhra. And Aria’s mom is engaged to Zack and like, no one cares? And on such heinous orange stationary.


Caleb to Hanna on French fries: What's wrong? When you only eat 3 at a time I know you're bugging out about something.

Emily: Since when do you drink beer?
Hanna: My mom washes her hair with that stuff.

It’s actually funny that Aria is doing work at her fake job. Like she’s filing shit on her off hours of spying on the mental patients.

Emily's mom: Who wants a popover!?
Ali: Save one for me!
...But like maybe she shouldn’t.

Hanna: You're right melted cheese is the best booze-blocker

Aria to Spencer, with a straight face: Hey are you going to Ezra's later to help him move his research and spy stuff?

Emily’s mom puts out a bottle of vodka for the girls for dinner? SURE WHY NOT. She’s a cool mom, who also worked for the police force at one point.

Hanna to Caleb: I don’t want to talk about Alison. I want to talk about us. Where did you put the rest of your French fries?




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