Pretty Little Liars Recap: Pretty Little Lesbians

By The Betches


Is it me or is there way too much sapphic sexual tension on this show? I have absoutely nothing against lesbians it's just like I'm starting to feel like I'm watching a high school version of the L word. I mean the most obvious is between Emily and Bruce/Paige but now they added another swimmer/lesbian/ Alex from Lost into the mix! The scene when Emily asks her to bend over was so ridiculous they might as well have had soft elevator funk playing in the girls locker room. "Emily has great arms...for swimming...and fisting." - Paige

And how about Hanna’s “identity crisis.” While I understand it was about Hanna figuring out who she is now that Ali’s back, the way they went about it made Hanna look like she’s totally in love with Mona or something. Staring at her through glass doors, hesitating before approaching her at the coffee shop, Mona calling her pet names like girly girl, and her really intense flashback to when she and Mona proudly walked down the hallway of the school holding hands. I meannn…

Lastly (but there is definitely so much more) what the fuck was the deal with the last scene in the hair salon? After the show ended I was like, is Mona going to hook up with her shadow, like in a Peter Pan Porno kind of way? This is a serious question.

Call outs

You can always count on the liars to attend a funeral in slutty black dresses. Aria is wearing a dress with cutouts just above the boobs while Hanna is in true form in a sateen dress with a lace back and a belt from Hot Topic.

Ali's mother is like 6 feet tall she would never fit into her dress but like I really should be picking my battles with things that are unrealistic about this show.

Things people say on PLL, soap operas, and thrown away scripts:

Hanna: Have you seen Noel Kahn?
Mona: I’m sure he’s around somewhere getting into mischief

Melissa: And blood is thicker than water?
Spencer: That’s what they say
Melissa: It can also be very slippery
… Did I just zone out through a menstrual joke?

How long is the fucking break between classes? All these girls have been hanging out in the hallway for like 20 minutes doesn’t anyone have any class?

Good idea girls, accost a city hobo in search of coherent relevant info. Typically when I am in search of extremely important information like the whereabouts of a suspect in a murder mystery or my missing phone, the first person I ask is the bearded-drunk-one-legged-singing dude on my morning subway.


You know what I hate? When they made us think Ezra was A he was all villainy and his scruff was like scary and now that he’s not A he’s all broken and his scruff is like, endearing. ARIA, REMEMBER THE TIME YOU WERE TOTALLY BUGGIN' ON THAT SKI LIFT? He’s still a pedophile though so we’ll always have that.

Oh rem that time we were like, “here’s a list of things that would be more efficiently solved by cops.” Let’s add another: Omg we discovered a cryptic email to an "undisclosed recipient" from our murdered best friend's mom sent hours before she died. Give it to the cops because they have the proper tools to hack an ‘undisclosed recipient’ FUCK NO!! Let’s print it out and fold and unfold it a bunch of times and then wave it around in front of our creep family members.

Also, rem the time when Caleb solved all their hacking issues. He could have totally cracked this case but too bad he was cancelled in Ravenswood.

How did no one discover Shana’s body yet?

LOL Moments

Can Aria stop dressing like such a tortured teen who just committed her first murder. Honestly.

Ah, Bruce returns and she looks hungry. Shouldn’t she be at Stanford designing their new lesbian dorm wing or something?

Ali: This is my friend Hanna. It used to be easier to tell us apart when she was obese. Giggle.

HAHA Hanna's terrible fat suit chin and the 3 empty cupcake wrappers. Then she looks up at Mona making a face like she’s Jan Brady. Epic. 

What is this fugly blazer Hanna that is wearing while confronting Mona? She looks like she’s about to give a hand job in a Chinese massage parlor. 5 dolla.

Jason: My mother had lots of secrets. That’s what really killed her…. Noooo pretty sure some fucking psycho killed her with a shovel.

What weird disco music are Hanna and Emily listening to while road tripping to Philly and talking about coming out of the closet? Would be much funnier if they were blasting I Would Walk 500 Miles.

Emily: Paige, you deserve the best of everything. Go get yourself another pair of Birkenstocks. I hear they’re back in.




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