Usually I have something witty to say pre-recap about this shithole of a show I force myself to watch weekly, but I’m two bottles of wine in and I have a 6 am SoulCycle class tomorrow, so let’s get this shit over with.
The episode starts with 3 of the liars at the spa in the Radley hotel. Aria isn’t present because she is off doing sketchy shit, because IT’S ARIA AND THAT’S ALL SHE DOES. They are all talking about murders, as usual. Can’t they talk about this somewhere else? Oh no, that’s right because the only places in this town are coffee shops and this stupid fucking insane asylum/hotel.
Hanna openly admits she cleared the security tapes of Aria sneaking out the night Charlotte was murdered and the girls are like WTF DUDE.
Emily discovers that gaybar Sara Harvey has been listening in to this conversation the whole time. Emily is like “why are you so obsessed with me?” and thinks that Sara is following her around, because she was at the graveyard last episode, and now she is here. Sara is like, I’m not following you, lesbian minds just think alike.
EMILY: *screaming* WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE?!
SARA: omfg you’re really messing up my chi rn
Meanwhile, Aria is Skyping with her hipster boyfriend/coworker. Okay my Skype loses connection every other minute, how does hers look like fucking IMAX quality?
Either way, it turns out the publishing company she works for is over Ezra’s shit, probs because he’s now a not-hot alcoholic who lives above a coffee shop.
Sorry Ezra, you’re a virgin who can't drive. Aria is like HE’S NOT A DRUNK OK?! HE JUST HAS A LOT OF FEELINGS!!! And hipster dude is like, why are you yelling? Can you calm the fuck down plz?
Lorenzo is at Radley and is talking to Hanna’s mom and is like YO your security tape is fucked up, so I need lists of everyone who stayed here. Hanna’s mom is like, well I’m gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo.
Hanna is wearing fugly white high-waisted pants (PLL costume designer, please go fuck yourself) and Lucas shows up- woah #tbt. Still a fucking loser, I see.
Lucas is a game app dude now and is apparently rich AF. We know this because he humble brags for like, 10 minutes. Seriously Lucas you could fucking cure cancer, win the Olympics and be a billionaire and I still wouldn’t touch you with a 10 foot pole. Girls with asses like mine don’t talk to guys with faces like yours
Lucas is like, yo what happened to Caleb? And Hanna is like “we broke up” and he’s like WOW THAT’S SO AWKWARD AND SHOCKING! THAT’S SO CRAZY! YOU GUYS TOTALLY LOVED EACH OTHER! And Hanna is like, thanks for reminding me.
Melissa/Nanny Carrie shows up with Spencer and Caleb is like “let me make you breakfast.” Melissa is like “when did you start liking Caleb? I know you’re a hoe, so cut the bullshit.” Spencer is like “Hanna is engaged so she isn't with Caleb anymore!” So, you admit it, you’re a hoe.
Emily is in a maxi dress, leather jacket and fugly sneaker-booties. We get it, you’re a lesbian. She lies to her mom about going to the drugstore, because lying is like, so second nature at this point. Her mom gets a letter from Emily’s college, that is magically already opened and decides, hmmmm time for some light reading through another person’s mail. Fucking Rosewood.
Hanna’s mom is like “did you mess with the security tapes?” and Hanna is appalled that she would even suggest that. Like, she’s grown up so much and doesn’t do that stuff anymore, right?
HANNA: I’m not in highschool anymore. I’m not Josie Grosie anymore!
Lorenzo figures out the security tape is tampered with and is going to question Hanna’s mom. Since when did the Rosewood PD figure out how to do their job? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore!
Ezra shows up, looking like a homeless man just wrapping up his most recent African safari to meet up with Aria for lunch. Aria proceeds to judge him for getting a beer, and it's like, pull the fucking redwood out of your asshole Aria and lighten the fuck up.
Ezra gives Aria his sad handwritten book, literally, saying he’s only written like, one chapter. Hanna’s mom comes over to cut him off, before he’s even begun drinking. Fucking cockblock. She said he isn’t allowed to drink there because of an “incident.” I have literally fallen off my barstool, thrown up in the sink, and had sex in the back booth of my local college bar and I have never been denied a drink- what did Ezra possibly do? Kill someone on a table?
Spencer is trying to get people to vote by doing boring betchy community service, which is Freeform’s PSA to go vote everyone. She’s giving an interview with a dude who looks like Chris Keller from One Tree Hill when Hanna’s dumbass runs in and is like HEY WE FUCKED UP.
Hanna is like, we’re all going to be in trouble for fucking with the tapes and Spencer is like “we? Bitch, this was you.” Meanwhile Chris Keller is getting suspicious. Can anyone just fucking mind their own business and move on? Stay in your lane Chris Keller!
Emily goes home to her mom having a menopausal episode and screaming at her before she can even step out of the goddamn car. Like, can I take my fucking foot off the pedal before you jump me? She found out Emily dropped out of school, ya know because she broke the law and looked through her mail, but that’s beside the point.
Of course, Sara is across the street, in all her emo Draco Malfoy looking glory. Seriously she looks like the lovechild of a raccoon and Miley Cyrus. Emily is explaining to her mom what happened with college like -
EMILY: idk it just happened.
EMILY’S MOM: “People do not just drop out of school Emily. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands!
Hanna just shows up to Lucas’ apartment and is like I HAVENT SEEN YOU IN 5 YEARS, DO ME A HUGE FAVOR. Because that really works. Lucas admits he lives alone, besides a hamster, and no one is surprised. He's a fuckin' Colin Hanks looking loser. Hanna is like, look, I’m being framed for a murder and I need you to be an alibi and of course Lucas is down because he’s a 23 year old virgin. Lucas is like I CAN BE YOUR HERO BABY, I CAN KISS AWAY THE PAIN.
Aria is reading Ezra’s new book to Emily and Emily is like “is he writing about you?” Emily do you even understand literature, you college dropout fuck. Aria is like NO WHAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOT ABOUT ME YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. Also, Aria is in a sequined purple collared shirt. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?! Is she a part of the purple jacket, red hat society? Is this a Michael Jackson circus act? Is she auditioning for “Purple Rain”? I have so many questions.
Emily is freaking out about Sarah and is like SHE’S FOLLOWING ME OKAY?!
ARIA: Can Hanna’s mom kick her out of the hotel?
EMILY: Why? Because she eats fried chicken with gloves?! (actual quote)
ARIA: No you fucking idiot, because she tortured us for 5 years.
Watch out Em, your high school education is showing.
Spencer show up at Hanna’s and is like “you seem happy with your fiancé! So you don’t like Caleb?! Tell me you don’t like Caleb.” Hanna puts two & two together and figures out Spence is obvi into Caleb. Can we talk about Hanna’s sparkly monkey sweater? OKAY COOL BECAUSE IT’S THE FUGILEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN HOLY SHIT PLL WARDROBE EAT SHIT AND DIE. Hanna is trying not to cry and slut shame her friend, but either way she tells Spencer to pursue Caleb.
Aria gives Ezra a pep talk straight out of “Remember the Titans” in order to finish this book. “LEFT SIDE? STRONG SIDE! WE’RE GONNA FINISH THIS BOOK, AINT THAT RIGHT GENTLEMEN?!” She tells Ezra “you is kind. You is smart. You is important” and he’s like no I’m not. Stop fishing for compliments.
Hot journalist is typing in the library and Spencer finds him in the crowded college, naturally. She comes in, guns blazing, asking if he has another angle to his story. She sees a note about calling Mona, and confronts him, thinking she figured it out and he’s like, nah bitch. Mona is working for the other candidate, because Spencer’s mom turned her down for a job. What’s the point of this? Idk, I’m just here to see Caleb.
Hanna is in a fucking kimono and eating orange concentrate out of a can. What the actual fuck is happening rn? Liam skypes Aria, while Em and Han are there, and is like, yo we’re giving up on Fitz and Aria is like NO YOU CANT DO THAT!!! Hanna and Emily don’t understand why Aria cares so much, and frankly neither do we.
Hanna walks downstairs to throw away her gross orange shit and sees Emily shootin’ up in the bathroom. Hanna is like, hmm that’s weird, as her fatass takes another bite of orange concentrate.
Turns out, Emily is broke. Like Martha Stewart broke or MC Hammer broke? MC Hammer broke! So broke, she’s donating her fucking eggs. Okay Freeform, last week you gave us a cancer scare and it’s just donating her eggs? Dick move. Emily is like “IM GOING TO HELP BUILD FAMILIES” but I cant take you seriously in a jean jacket with rips on the shoulders.
Lucas and Hanna are in the interrogation room trying to make up a story about Hanna shoving her face and Lucas being her little lapdog servant. It’s a pretty believable story right? But Lorenzo is actually doing real detective work and asking real questions. What do we do? No one prepared us for this!
Spencer comes home to Melissa sitting in the dark and she tells her how she fucked up the interview with the hot reporter. Spencer figures that the reporter saw the tape of Ezra at the hotel and Aria freaks out. Meanwhile, Emily goes to meet Sara at the bar and Sara makes it sound like Emily and her friends set the fire that fucked her up. Lets take a group moment to pause, and say WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING?
Aria confronts Ezra and is like I KNOW YOU KILLED CHARLOTTE FOR ME and it’s like okay get over yourself, Aria. All the girls show up and are like “you need to be honest” and Ezra is like uh, no because I didn’t do anything. They are basically forcing him to confess to murder. Pullin’ the old Brendan Dassey,
Ezra starts fucking screaming at the girls and everyone acts so shocked. Like, we come in here accusing him of murder and he yells at us? Who does he think he is? We practically invented him, ya know?
Ezra is like “Aria, I don’t feel bad for the girl who tortured you and I’m happy she is dead!” and Aria storms off, like he just fucking insulted her.
Caleb is waiting up for Spencer when she gets home, like the perfect specimen he is. Spencer tells Caleb a story that no one knows about, and it’s about little, stupid Sara Harvey. Turns out, when Sara Harvey got punched by Emily in the finale last season (great times), she accidentally put both hands on high voltage electrical sockets, causing her shit to burn baby, burn. Spencer is like “MAYBE ME BEING TORTURED MADE ME A BAD PERSON” because she didn’t help Sara… but it’s like, maybe Sara should learn how to read a “Danger High Voltage” sign. Who’s really to blame here?
Emily comes home and her mom is hammered and has forgiven her already for lying for the past 5 years and blowing thousands of dollars. My mom watches this show for the sake of being able to read these recaps and understand what the fuck I’m saying (she’s a cool mom), and she was like “yeah, that shit would never happen.” Fair enough.
Lucas asks Hanna if she helped murder Charlotte and Hanna is like “nah.” Lucas is like, “good enough for me” then asks her if she wants food and Hanna practically spreads her legs for him right there. He also gives her the keys to his apartment, because that’s normal. I wouldn’t even give someone I knew from high school my phone number, let alone my keys.
Liam calls Aria and is like yo Ezra’s book is baller, keep up the good work. She’s like, omg I’m accomplishing something! This feeling, it’s so new!
Spencer and Caleb are fighting sexual tension and drinking craft beer, which is pretty much my life with my guy friends. They have an awkward hand-holding incident and an alternative version of “Ring of Fire” starts playing. Suddenly, they’re making out hardcore. Woah ok, damn. That escalated quickly.
SURPRISE BITCH. MISS ME?
Emily pours out her wine- WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS FREEFORM?! I can watch people be tortured and murdered but THIS SHIT?! This is where I draw the fucking line. Have some decency.
But anyway, she pours out her wine and gets a text.
Hanna is staring at her computer screen- which has a selfie of just Emily and pictures of her and Caleb…. Dafuq? And she gets a text.
Spencer is 2 seconds away from blowing Caleb, and she gets a text.
Aria is typing up “Chapter 3”- which means, she’s writing Ezra’s book for him. Can’t you go like 3 fucking seconds without doing something shady, Aria?! I mean really.
Anyway, she gets a text too.
They all get a text saying “You know who did it, and I’m going to make you tell.”
A IS BACK. YAS BITCH, WE MISSED UUUU. TORTURE THESE HOES.