March 20, 2013
I’d like to start off our review of the Pretty Little Liars finale with my disgust that the PLL after party on Facebook is catered by Taco Bell? That’s like saying our book launch party was catered by The National Eating Disorder Association. It makes no fucking sense.
But really, this show might continue to pique my interest if every episode weren’t the fucking same. Let’s do a rundown here. Someone thinks someone is dead but that someone is most likely NOT dead. Someone sees someone they might recognize running through the forest at night but the person either gets away or is wearing a hood and therefore could POSSIBLY be someone else. Someone’s parents give them bad advice and then they start hooking up with someone who COULD be the enemy. Someone starts teaching at Rosewood High.
Speaking of the A team, just want to point out that it’s a real thing. And it’s these guys. Google it. I’m convinced the middle dude looks like Byron. But couldn’t they come up with more creative #9 nicknames for each other. “Red Coat?" What ever happened to the good old days of Baby Dick or the Spice Girls?
Honestly ABC, although I’m a huge fan of the gays, between this show and Revenge there’s a lot of bi-curious confusion going on with a shitload of the characters. Like is Jenna now a Lezzie McLezstein? Didn't she used to hooks it with the Tobemister? Speaking of shit that boggles our mind, I don’t understand why THE ENTIRE TOWN OF ROSEWOOD IS CONSPIRING AGAINST 4 RANDOM GIRLS. Sure Hanna’s hair looks like shit but that’s not a reason for people to be tormenting these bitches for like 3 years now. But finally we find out that Red Coat aka Allison has her own plane which explains why these girls were friends with this sociopath to begin with.
"I hate her because she flirts with everyone but me..." - Classic former fatty insecurity.
Great idea Ez, give your child to a teenage girl with no babysitting experience who is constantly facing near-death experiences.
What's he into? Fast cars and fast girls? Chill Hanna it’s not necessarily like father like son.
Imagine if Hanna told Malcolm to identify people and he was like, "All these white girls look the fucking same."
"It's your choice if you want to grow up stupid" and the kid turns off the TV. Ugh loser. I’d turn it up.
Mona: We're all gonna die we're all gonna burn!!!
Hanna: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
"And if we're lucky this will all be over with." I’m sure everyone watching this episode whispered a collective “bullshit” under their breath at that wishful thinking.
Ezra, what a good role model - making out with his student in the stairwell on his first day on the job for which he got fired because he was making out with said student.
So like, why are all the lesbians on the swim team?
She should really know better than to go for a jog alone at night when someone is literally trying to kill her on a bi-weekly basis.
I like how they refer to it as the A team as if it's the highest level of middle school basketball teams.
UGH NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH YOU TWO MAKEOUT to the soothing sounds of Lana Del Ray.
Ugh Toby's alive just when I was starting to get excited about Spring.
This whole double set up thing is like a reverse Punking situation.
Toby to Spencer: "Everything I've done was so I could protect you and eat carbs."
Your parents are really throwing a "happy getting out of the mental institution" party for you? I guess any reason to celebrate Blackout Wednesday.
Spencer as started kidnapping 7-year-olds to beef up her college essay.
At least Spence has finally washed her hair and put on some fucking makeup. Thank God she was beginning to look uglier than Toby.
"I remember her with the pretty hair" - Malcom. God her hair is not that pretty. In fact up until this episode it was fairly disgusting.
Down with red coat! The British are coming!
The A "lair" is so creepy like there’s just pics of young girls helloooo PEDOPHILE!!
Team “A” needs a wardrobe change. If only Kevin Gnapoor were in charge they’d get extra funding for jackets.
Mona: "Don't you get it she's everywhere and she's nowhere." It'd be great if Mona broke into Patrick Swayze's "She's Like the Wind" after this.
Ah the car they pushed into the lake? Still somehow retaining all its battery power after being extracted from the water without anyone noticing. Casual.
Imagine if inside the trunk there were like, mad dildos.
...And in other news we're happy to announce Nice is Just a Place in France just made the New York Times Best Seller List March 31st edition. Talk about a Blackout Wednesday.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing