Pretty Little Liars Recap: It's My Bitch in a Box

By The Betches

Was it just me or was last night’s episode of PLL really fucking weird? Hanna was suddenly smart, Spencer was dressed as Ja’mie, and it remains unclear if Toby was notified that the dispute was settled for tallest building in the world because it seemed as though he's still trying to enter his hair into the competition.

On top of all of that, nothing REALLY happened. Aria was a little slut (nothing new), Mona dressed like a buffoon, and Ezra just like moved his eyes around a lot. Nothing was even cleared up about who or what was in Ali’s grave. Who’s the bitch in the box!? However Caleb and Hanna DID break up... I think. It’s unclear. He did cry like a giant pussy. It’s like get it together dude, you don’t HAVE to go to the spinoff show. But losing Caleb isn’t a huge loss Hanna, he looked like he aged 40 years since Halloween. It’s probs all that Sex and the City lifestyle in Ravenswood with Miranda!

Also, I know it’s meaningless to ask at this point but how in the world did A know the girls would be in that classroom to turn on that video on the projector!? And she’s like now using high tech film equipment to create beautiful black and white movies now? Bitch is a Renaissance woman. How talented is this girl/man because she should be at like a MENSA convention and not wasting her time stalking these high schoolers.

Have we ever thought of the possibility that Ezra may have a twin? This theory might be so bad that it’s like SO solid according to PLL’s strict rules for “theories". Sleep on that shit betches.


Really, this guy?

Hanna Is suddenly smart this episode but also has a diminished jawline. Is Hefty stress eating again? Probs still trying to ask Jeeves if Australia is a country or a continent.

Is this Hanna/Caleb coffee shop convo about to turn into a soft core porno? “You got prettier while I was away… I was saving it all for you… I missed watching you walk barefoot across the kitchen floor…TAKE YOUR TOP OFF!!!”

But really though “walk barefoot across the kitchen floor”? I’m surprised Hanna was like, that was the best you can do? I waited a week for your aging ass.

"Dear friends of other dead blonde girl,
We have some things in common. We both have dead blonde friends! A/S/L?”

Alison shows up in her mother’s dreams to talk about Hanna’s mom’s career trajectory? That’s weird.

Hanna on Ali, “sometimes I imagine her wet and scared…” Could’ve sworn I heard Emily say that.


If I were Hanna I wouldn’t have worn those pants to try to get my boyfriend back.


Omg Toby’s back and he’s in an Adidas running jacket.

“You’re going to have to hold me otherwise I’m going to explode and you’ll have to call the custodians.” Did the writers give this episode’s script to their kids to like, “give it a go... YOLO”?

A person with explosive diarrhea could give less shits about the death details of Toby’s already dead mom.

Toby: "At this point I would just be happy if someone said my mom didn’t kill herself.” God Toby we would just by happy if you said you DID.

Spencer’s pact with her dad to stay away from the DiLaurentises (DiLaurenti?) if he can find Jason DiLaurentis seems rather counterintuitive.


Bruce is such a needy little biotch

So Hanna and Emily get to meet their twin friend bestie groups. Is one of them a lesbian too? And the other a former fatty!?

I totally forgot about all the sexual tension between Emily and Ali’s mom. Hot.

Emily goes for the pot of hot water to protect herself against predators? She would have been more successful by brewing them a pot of chamomile and putting them to sleep with her monotone acting.


I don’t like that Aria was so quick to cheat on Jake when her dad cheated on her mom. And then she goes and makes out with another guy while rolling around in hay in her music video!? I’m not having it. Whatevs. The more important thing here is former American Idol Junior Lucy Hale has a country pop song called 'You Sound Good To Me'. Can’t say I listened closely enough to verify the title. SING TO ME PAOLO.

But like, who hooks up with someone and then just like gazes out of the window for 20 minutes?




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