Pretty Little Liars is back—fuck me right? Everyone who reads these recaps knows how much I hate this fucking show (like, a lot) but I’m too invested in it to give up now (momma didn’t raise no quitter) and I get paid to write these (momma didn’t raise no broke person). So here we go:
The episode begins like How To Get Away With Murder would—with a flash-forward. It’s 4 days ahead and the girls are digging a giant hole. I don’t think they’re lookin’ for Stanley Yelnats’ treasure—pretty sure they are digging a grave. It goes like this:
Aria: Omg this is like, so wrong
Emily: *obnoxiously crying*
Spencer: Can you fuckers just shut up and dig? I’m trying to commit a murder here and you’re like, ruining it
The gang is like “not to be pushy, but we need to find Hanna” (remember she got kidnapped for the 59th time last season?) and by the gang, I mean mostly Caleb, who is freaking out about his ex in front of his current girlfriend. This relationship will die quickly.
While Caleb has a fucking breakdown, they see a woman who looks like Alison’s mom, who we all know is her aunt/on the A team/Cece’s Mom/wears too much eyeliner, going into the police station. And how fucking convenient, she just happens to walk by all the people she is supposedly tricking/kidnapping/torturing/drawing eyeliner on?
They all are like, “last time we say Mrs. Dilurentis she was def dead, right?” Like, she was a rotting corpse with her head banged in, but like, can we really be sure?
Caleb is like "I’M GOING TO BEAT WHOEVER THAT WOMAN IS TO FIND HANNA!!!" And it’s like, woah there homeless boy wonder, simmer the fuck down please.
Toby’s like, “nah I got this”. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that and then been incredibly let down, I’d have a small loan of a million dollars.
The woman is there to report a break-in at the lodge they were hiding Hanna in, and Toby’s like “you remind me of a girl, that I, once knew” *cue old school Usher song*.
She’s like “yeah I’m Jessica’s twin, biotch, Mary Drake. And I own that run-down lodge now.” Toby’s lopsided face just stares at her, as he realizes they are totes getting beat at their own game.
A.D, who is like formerly “A” but I guess the “D” was silent for 6 seasons, texts the group and is like “the bell rings for Hanna” and they book their asses over to the church. Meet me in the chapel, it’s goin’ down.
Hanna is straight up dangling from the bell tower and Caleb is like "NOOOOOOO!" And Spencer is like, "omg srsly?"
Everyone is like holy shit she’s dead—but waaaait, it’s a mask, on a very life-size doll of Hanna. PLL and their stupid fucking dolls. Whoever is the doll designer at FreeForm is making bank. She’s also probably A—gonna keep torturing these hoes because once this show ends, her skill sets go back to being useless.
There is a string on the back of the doll that says “You’ve got 24 hours to find Charlotte’s murderer or Hanna dies.” And now we’ve switched from an episode of HTGAWM to an episode of 24, with the clock ticking down.
Mona, the undisputed smartest person on this show, is like “we’re all working together now, which makes this a lot easier.” Probs right—they are all usually so busy sneaking around and fucking each other’s ex-boyfriends that they never get to meet up and discuss who they think murdered people!!! Ugh you guysssssss!!!!
Mona’s like “we all have an idea on who did it, right?” AND NOW WE’RE BACK TO EVERYONE BEING SHADY TOWARDS EACH OTHER. Well that was short lived.
They all put names into a hat who they think did it. This is like picking out a secret Santa or something.
4 for Allison
1 for “no name”—fair guess at this point, as they are constantly bringing in characters no one knows
1 for Spencer
1 for Mona
Who are both sitting like, right there—awkward.
Aria flashes back to the night of Charlotte’s murder where they thought they saw Allison going into the chapel. Seriously I haven’t been in a church this much in my whole life, and I went to fucking Catholic school. Granted, I got kicked out for getting high in the confessional, but that is neither here nor there.
Emily immediately goes into pitbull mode and is like "IT WOULDN’T BE ALLISON, SHE WOULD NEVER DO THAT OKAY. SHE SMELLS LIKE PINE NEEDLES AND HAS A FACE LIKE SUNSHINE." Look Em, your chance at being scissor sisters with Alison is pretty much shot. Give it a rest.
Everyone is like, “yeah she’s nice now but remember when she ruined everyone’s lives?”
Emily: That was one time!
Everyone: People don’t forget
Ezra and Aria decide to sneak into Ali’s house to see if there is any blood on Ali’s clothes, because when you murder someone, you def don’t wash your clothes. You keep them all nice and bloody in your closet! Look, I’m not an expert in this subject, but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it works.
Emily gives the keys to Ali’s house to the group—uh, how did she get those? Ali never gave her a key? I mean she lives there! And she’s going to be in her bathing suit! She can’t have a lesbian having a key to house!
Mona and Caleb, who notoriously hate each other, are like “we’re gonna find Mary Drake.” Toby knows that she’s moving into the motel. Which still bugs me. Like why would she tell you all this shit if it wasn’t a trap? Haven’t you all figured that out yet? Mona I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.
Emily decides to confront Snaggle because he “has to tell her the truth”, but we all know he’s on the A team, sooooooo lemme know how that goes, Em!
“A.D” sends them a picture of Hanna, who like, looks really good still for like being kidnapped and all. Very captive-chic. They all are like, "k, time to be useful."
Spencer, Caleb, Mona and Toby go to the Lost Woods Resort and see Mary hauling a big ass backpack. They are like “I BET HANNA IS IN THERE!” Yeah right, like hefty Hanna can fit in that thing.
Toby and Spencer go to spy on Mary Drake and bond over the fact that Toby can pick a lock like a fucking common criminal, while Caleb and Mona follow Mary around town. I’m not a big fan of Toby/Spencer, but I at least kind of like them together. Caleb is honestly being so annoying rn.
Emily goes to confront Snaggle and lets it slip about Mary Drake. Snaggle is like “how did you figure out that Cece’s mom is Mary?” and she’s like "duh, I put two and two together!" Well, you can’t really blame him for wondering because they literally never put two and two together on this show. Emily can barely put one foot in front of the other without crying about Ali’s magical pussy these days.
Snaggle is like “my wife is cray now, srry.”
Snaggle: She’s overcome with guilt—DO YOU KNOW WHY?
Everyone at home: Because she murdered her sister
Emily: No wtf
Ali starts having a straight up fit and slaps Snaggle *YAS* as Emily watches in horror, finally realizing the woman of her dreams might get her first lesbian experience in jail, rather than with her.
Snaggle shoots Ali up with some kind of medicine—suspect AF.
Toby and Spencer are digging through Mary’s stuff and they find a bunch of books in German and French that, of course, Spencer can magically read.
She says she learned all these languages from an app that gives her a little flag for being fluent and now she’s fluent in like 5 languages. And to think, I gave up Candy Crush after level 10.
Mary is apparently is a world traveler and went to Latin America—isn’t that were Ezra and his lady friend got kidnapped by terrorists or whatever? Omg who am I for caring/remembering this shit? It’s like I don’t even know myself anymore.
Mary Drake also has a book on cyber war crime. Not sure if texting 5 upper-middle class girls emojis and pictures of dolls is “cyber war”, but k.
Mary also flew back to Philly right before Charlotte died, so may I repeat—suspect AF.
Aria and Ezra break into Ali’s house and are just like, checkin’ shit out. Aria has a cute outfit on for once—FREEFORM HEARD OUR PLEAS.
Snaggle comes home and Ezra/Aria hide in the linen closet. This is like the whitest version of the R.Kelly song—trapped in the closet, can’t get out of the closet.
Snaggle opens a locked chest and grabs some sort of backpack and a giant-ass knife. Seems totally normal.
Also, they didn’t notice that he was listening to British Television, which literally no one does unless it’s like, Downton Abbey. So why does he care? MAYBE BECAUSE HE’S BRITISH AND HE’S LYING TO YOU. GOD CAN’T ANYONE FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT????
Aria and Ezra narrowly escape, and Snaggle is def suspicious. If only he cared about his dental work as much as he cares about getting revenge on Charlotte’s killer. Alas.
Spencer is asking if Caleb wants anything to eat and he’s like NO, SPENCER I’M ON AN ALL CARB DIET, GOD YOU’RE SO STUPID.
Mona/Caleb are still following Mary Drake who is conveniently buying concrete, mass quantities of bleach and Saran wrap, or as Mona puts it “all you need to cover up a murder”. Don’t hardware store workers ever look at this shit and go, huh, it looks like you’re about to kill someone? Not in Rosewood.
Hanna is still in her dungeon btw and is being now being water tortured. Damn A.D. You’re fucked up.
After gathering her DIY murder kit, Mary Drake heads to... Spencer’s house? Wtf.
Caleb texts Spencer tell her not to answer the door, but of course Spencer doesn’t see it and answers the goddam door. The one time you aren’t glued to your fucking phone, I mean really.
Mary Drake is supposedly looking for Spencer’s parents but they obvi aren’t paid for this episode so they’re “on a cruise” and Spencer decides to invite Mary in for coffee. Um hello?!? STRANGER DANGER, SPENCER. Like especially when people are always trying to kill you. Don’t they teach you that on your app?
Emily goes to sneak into Ali’s room at the hospital, which is like, not a good idea when dealing with a fucking insane person. Emily’s like “Are you there God/Ali? It’s me Margret/Emily” as Ali is clearly PTFO.
Emily’s like “look Ali I need to know the truth, did you murder Charlotte?” and Ali wakes up and is like “god, forgive me!” Soooooo, is that a yes, or...?
Mary Drake asks about Melissa and if her and Spencer are close. Spencer is like, "eh occasionally. When I’m not fucking her fiancé. Sisters are friends you don’t have to choose, amiright?"
Obvi there is some bad blood between Mary and Melissa because she stares at that picture for wayyyyy too long.
Spencer and Mary keep exchanging loaded comments and death stares, all while sipping on some tea. Huh, maybe this is Downton Abbey?
Spencer asks why Mary isn’t close to Ali’s mom and she’s like “Jessica is a fucking bitch.” She is very Jan vs. Marcia right now. Her reasoning is “I was born first, and she was born jealous.” K, that explains nothing at all, but yeah.
Spencer: Why did you come back?
Mary: Because my bitch-ass sister got murdered
Spencer: *in Ace Ventura voice: Alrightyyyyy then
Spencer almost blows that she knows where Mary lives and Mary’s like "why are you so obsessed with me?" Spencer says her ex-boyfriend told her about her break-in and Mary’s like “ugh all my ex’s hate me” and it’s like, well maybe because you’re the type of bitch to celebrate the death of her sister. That’ll do it.
Before Mary leaves, she tells Spencer to lock the door because she isn’t safe anywhere. Ew, don’t fucking tell me what to do.
Aria is stressing over Hanna and Ezra’s trying to get her into bed. They take this moment, while their friend is being tortured, to talk about their relationship. They would.
Emily lies about seeing Ali and hearing what she heard to Aria and starts acting super weird. For a show all about lying, they all sure are bad at it.
Coffee-hippy/Stoner Girl asks Emily if she is okay, even though last season she caught Emily trying to steal from her. Um make me a mocha and shut the fuck up please. I’m trying to mourn over my friend who has time to murder people but won’t let me murder the pussy (Emily’s internal thoughts, obvi).
Emily starts crying about Ali and Hanna and hippy girl decides to give her a fucking lemon bar and talk about her feelings. Lesbians, man.
Caleb and Mona are having aggressive sexual banter. Wait how did Mona get this spy gear to listen to phone calls? Whatever, it’s Rosewood. I’m sure they have a fucking spy shop right next to the chapel and Ezra’s coffeeshop, aka the only places in this town.
And how does Mary not notice all these people/cars following her in the woods? Worst criminal ever.
Mona hears Mary on a call from a man who has an Australian, maybe British accent, who’s at a bar. Obvi Snaggle. Told you they should have picked up on the BBC stuff.
Aria’s like “omg I used to go that bar when I was underage to fuck my teacher! I know where that is!” You could have just said “idk, I’ll Yelp it.”
Hanna is still in the shed or whatever and has a dream with Spencer in it. Is Emily not the only lesbian on this show?
Spencer tells her that she needs her strength for tomorrow and acts weird when Hanna said if she knew who the real killer was, she would have already ratted her out. Spencer, I’m starting to think you’re the killer.
Spencer also tells Hanna that there has to be a way to escape, because if there is a way out, there is a way in. Which is like, duh. How Hanna has not figured that out by now is beyond me.
Meanwhile, Liam calls Aria while she is at the bar scoping out every dude. Ah Liam, you’re just the boyfriend of seasons past. I’m gonna need you to quietly fade into the background now.
Aria hears an Australian guy but then hears a song that reminds her of her fucktoy barista at home and decides, fuck this mission and goes to Ezra.
Emily breaks into Ali’s house, using her handy-dandy key, and Snaggle is sound asleep on the couch. God he even annoys me when he’s sleeping. Could you like, not exist for a sec? Thanks.
She finds Ali’s music box shattered on the ground and has flashes of every nice thing Ali ever said to her, like the pathetic loser she is. She then flashes back to a time she and Ali had a steamy lesbo makeout session during a sleepover…
Wait, was that a dream or did that really happen? Has Ali really ridden the carpet express? Guess we’ll never know because Ali’s insane now and Emily can’t even graduate college, so she can’t be trusted.
Em starts dig through a Goodwill box and finds the red sweater that Ali may or may not have worn to kill CeCe, as seen by Aria and Ezra. It looks like something I would wear to a Christmas party, but maybe murdering your own family is the most wonderful time of the year to Ali. Idk, they are a fucked up bunch.
Back to Hanna in the bunker of broken dreams, trying to find a way out. I guess we’ll check back in on that in a second.
Emily comes back and gives the team the fugly red sweater, and they are like "SHE DID IT. WE DON’T NEED ANY EVIDENCE, ANYONE WHO WEARS THIS SWEATER WILLINGLY IS OBVIOUSLY A PSYCHO."
While the group decides what to do, Caleb sneaks out, steals Spencer’s phone and tells A.D it’s Alison, delivering the red sweater right as the 24 hours is up.
Whoever is holding Hanna goes to find her, but she’s escaped through a vent. Aren’t you happy you aren’t fat anymore and could do that, Han? #kidnappingdiet2016
Hanna is running through the woods away from her captor, which is how all horror movies start FYI. So like, I don’t have any hope for you. Hanna breaks out and tries to stop a car for help and look who it is, Mary Drake. You’re. So. Fucked.
Emily is like “someone should check on Ali” and everyone is like “omg she is so safe!!!!” Um you do realize A.D has been using a shit ton of masks to trick you right? Literally no one is safe. One of you thinks Spencer murdered Ali and you’re still fucking chilling in her living room.
Flash to Snaggle going in to visit Ali in the hospital, where she is tied down. He’s like “how are you?” and quickly is like “jk, I don’t care.”
He pulls out his “medicine” and is like “I’m gonna make sure you live a long life, being crazy in here” He whips out his accent and is like "I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SEASON" and drugs her the fuck up. So he’s a doctor and a murderer? Get you a man who can do both.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: never trust someone who has more teeth than a goddam crocodile.
So that’s it. I heard this is the last season—not sure if that’s true or a cruel joke that’s being played on me, but a girl can dream.