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'Pretty Little Liars' Recap: Babies, Backstabbers, And Lesbians—Oh My!

I know what you’re thinking: Wow Betch Waldorf missed the past two week’s recaps. First of all, how dare you. Second of all, I was on vacation and my replacement writer shit the bed on writing the recap. Why would you even want to read someone else’s recap? I practically invented this show, ya know?

And last week there was no episode so:

Ross Friends

But anyways, here’s the Cliffnotes version of what happened like, two fucking weeks ago:

Nicole is back and finds Aria’s/Ezra’s book. They are still engaged but want to keep it on the DL because apparently formerly kidnapped people are like, really fragile. Who knew?

Spencer’s Dad is back and will probs will only be on this show for like, another 15 minutes.

Spencer fucks the O.C. gardener. Assuming the line “do you want to mow my lawn?” was used in foreplay.

AD has some dirt on Ezra and is going to make Aria pay for it with a game turn. The guy who slept with his student for years has a dirty past? Shocker of the season!!!!!

Ali’s baby—yeah not actually Ali’s. It’s Emily’s. Ya know, that whole “stealing her eggs” thing that we thought died two seasons ago? It’s back and fucking stupider than ever.

Aria’s getting dirty rushed by the A team.

Hanna’s ex stepdad is Charles’ dad. He also knows Lucas because Lucas was friends with Charles at summer camp. Yawn.

Mary Drake killed Jessica. They both suck. No one cries. Case closed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

It’s Hanna’s turn now. It skips over Aria because AD is still trying to recruit her.

God I felt like a fucking idiot typing that. Why do we watch this show anymore, I mean for real. Whatever.

THIS WEEK’S SHIT SHOW

Ali and Emily are talking about the baby and Emily’s like “maybe A is lying about using my eggs!!!!” Oh yeah, and I bet all the election hacking was done by China too. *rolls eyes* I’d like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it’s not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula. (Name that quote.)

Ali’s like, “no you’re fucking dumb, this is your kid.” Damn Em, already trying to be a deadbeat dyke. For shame.

Aria’s still getting Facetimes from AD, who is still trying to rush her to join the A team. AD is also using a shit Snapchat filter so it looks like Aria is facetiming herself. Or is this an Instagram filter? Does Facetime have filters now?

Pretty Little Liars Season 7 Episode 15

They’re all trying to figure out how Lucas is involved in all this dog shit. Hanna is defending him to the death because he’s her genuine friend, not because he’s given her millions of dollars and a home to live in. Right?

HANNA/REGINA: I know he’s socially retarded and weird, but he’s my friend….

They decide to spy on Lucas and try and find Mary while Aria is ghosting phone calls from AD quicker than I ignore contact from my Aunt Mary Sue from Montana. Like, what could we possibly talk about?

The detective starts telling Spencer that he has theories on how Snaggle died. He starts questioning her and it’s uncomfortable. Could this be…actual police work? *chokes on my wine* In my good Christian suburbs?!?

AD calls Aria and is like “send me to voicemail again and I’ll fucking murder you.” Which is what I told my boyfriend last week when he screened my calls while “on a run.”

AD wants to know what is going on and what Hanna and Spencer were doing last week. She threatens to send Ezra to jail again and Aria fucking cracks. You crack Aria, you crack the rest of the Liars. Say crack again.

Crack

Okay, this AD sounds EXACTLY like Paige. Can they be that dumb?

So Paige and Emily are kind of a thing again. And Emily gets a call from Ali that the baby is Emily’s and shocker, they don’t know who the father is. I think they should feel #blessed it isn’t Snaggle’s. Probably saves them years of orthodontic care.

MD reaches out to Spencer by drinking a bottle of wine and putting a note in it. Incredible. What innovative communication. Def beats out the Facetime face swap A is pulling.

Hanna and Emily start digging through Lucas’ comic books to see if there are any clues to him being involved with A. Hanna is going on and on about wanting to have a baby with Caleb while Em’s like “yes this is exactly what I want to talk about.”

Aren’t these girls like, 24? Why are you talking babies? Could you just like, chill for a sec?

They find a comic made by Lucas and Charles and they’re like “ohhhhh shit.” This is the nerdiest clue ever. Lucas is legit never getting laid. Sweet boy.

Ali is at the police station talking to Detective Landscaper. He’s asking her questions and tells her that more than one person must have killed Snaggle. This detective is more than just a pretty face and expert gardener, I tell you.

The comic book that Emily and Spencer find is like Lucas’ fucked up diary about exacting revenge on his enemies. They show Aria’s snake ass and she’s like “do you think Lucas is the AD baby’s dad?” They decide not to tell Ali about this, because knowing Lucas is the dad might drive that bitch straight to the abortion clinic.

Aria runs and tattles to AD about the comic book because she’s a dumbass bitch protecting Ezra, who let’s all agree has put on a few pounds since season 1. I think it’s time to cut the cord or at least connect it to an elliptical. AD tells Aria it’s time to steal something and shows her the number 214.

Emily and Spencer are discussing the baby and you can tell Emily wants to keep it. She says she doesn’t want to be like MD and Spencer is like, “cool yeah thanks.”

Emily ends up asking Ali to keep the baby because she wants to have a family with Ali. Seems normal. Emily doesn’t want AD to have the satisfaction of making them get an abortion which is like, a not good reason to bring a kid into the world. Damn it. Marlene King has some straight-up angst coming from her childhood.

Hanna discovers that the comic book is missing and calls Spencer. We all know Aria fucked this shit up, but they blame Lucas. No wonder he wants to torture them.

Spencer finds a note from MD and a key. Because getting strange keys and going to strange places has worked out so well for the liars.

Sarcasm

Mona tells Hanna that Lucas is selling their company and is putting the factory up for sale. She’s like “he’s fucking sneaky, and this is coming from someone who is fucking sneaky.” Hanna is starting to realize that her nerdy friend may actually have a micro-penis and may fuck her over on this.

Aria breaks into Rosewood High and puts the comic book that she stole into a locker. Okay, did not expect her to be the one to steal it but we all know Aria fucking sucks. She decides to go back and grab the comic book but it’s gone and a black hoodie is there instead.

A is basically handing her a bid and Aria fucking accepts it. Now when does she get to meet her big?

Emily tells Paige about the mess that is her future child. Paige is like, “goddam I need a drink.” That’s what I’ve been saying for three seasons.

Hanna brings Mona to the game and Mona practically creams her pants. She’s like “What is this marvelous piece of art that is torturing my best friend? I LOVE IT.” She also figures out within like, .3 seconds, that there is a battery that will only shut off if they finish the game.

Emily asks Paige to stay and be a weird family with her and Ali. Paige is like, the fuck? This is PLL, not Modern Family. Too many cooks in the kitchen. Like, how many lesbians is too many lesbians? Paige breaks up with her again and is getting the fuck out of Rosewood.

Ezra is going to see Nicole and Aria flips out. She tells him not to go. She’s done so much for him! She was half a virgin when she met him! He leaves anyway.

Detective Gardener follows Spencer to the house she’s waiting for MD at. He tells her that he knows Spencer is involved with the Snaggle murder. How? Because Spencer’s drunk ass paid with Snaggle’s credit card at the bar the night he went missing. Oh shiiiiiit. Finally a struggle on this show I can relate to. And, added bonus, she signed with her own name.

Idiot

She legit might get a murder charge because she wouldn’t just let a dude pay for a drink. I think we all can learn a lesson from this.

Paige breaks into Ali’s house and they decide to have a polite conversation. Paige asks Ali if she loves Emily and Ali gives the whole speech about how she feels when Em looks at her. Paige ends up leaving and being really nice. It’s hard to notice anything except Paige’s hair straight from the 70’s. Like forget the lesbian love fest, get me some leave-in conditioner stat.

Mona figures out that the game isn’t listening to them all the time. I didn’t know Mona was a fucking mechanical engineer. I mean seriously this girl should be at Harvard, not at Rosewood.

Hanna asks Mona to help her play the game and Mona’s like “I’m addicted to ruining people’s lives!” Honestly same. Hanna convinces Mona that in order to kick the addiction she should like, keep doing it. Not sure what 12 steps Han is referring to, but I’m not sure that’s how it works.

Ezra sees Spencer and Wren, #tbt to Wren, having a drink at the airport. I can’t even find my dog in my own house but he can see people he knows at the fucking international airport. Wren’s also got this whole Skinhead/damn-right-I-voted-for-Trump look going.

Ezra declines having a drink with them and Spencer asks her to keep this meeting secret. She’s apparently trying to get info out of Wren and needs it to not get to Aria.

This is sketchy. Also why is Spencer dressed in all black? And like, hanging out with her sister’s ex? I threw an actual burrito at my sister’s ex once. That’s a story for another day. Anyways, Ezra is kinda skeptical.

Ali decides to have the baby. This is a fuckin mess.

Jesus Fix It

Ezra comes home because all the flights were delayed and Aria apologies to him. He tells her that he actually didn’t get on his flight at all.

Mary sends Spencer a note and is like “You fucking narc. We’re done here.” How did Spencer get to the airport? I swear to god if they say she has a twin I will drive my ass straight to Freeform and set the studio ablaze.