I’m back again, lucky you. Honestly, you should feel #blessed that I suffer through this bullshit TV show to bring y’all some laughs on your otherwise shitty weekday coffee break. To the commenter who thought a new girl was writing these recaps because “they are less funny”:
And number two, nah bitch it’s still me. Maybe next time you can take hours of your life off to watch a poorly made show on Freeform and then write several pages about it. Yeah. Didn’t think so. You can go shave your back now. #swerve.
We’re back to the Liars digging in a fucking forest with Emily sobbing and Spencer just continuously screaming, "THIS IS FIRST DEGREE MURDER." Aria’s just like, there, and Hefty Hanna and Psychopath Ali are just sitting in legit shock.
Ali because she’s fucking zonked and Hanna because she just fucking murdered someone. There’s honestly a lot happening rn.
First question of the night—where did they get these shovels? Is there a Home Depot somewhere in this forest or do they all just happen to carry around a bunch of gardening tools? Watch out for the yellow spotted lizards when you’re diggin’ those holes.
Hanna gets her fat ass up and decides to help bury the body of the dude she killed and Aria’s like, "WE SHOULD TELL THE TRUTH!" Of course they act like Aria just suggested they have a giant orgy or something. Like, they are genuinely disgusted.
THE LIARS: Are you calling us a liar?
EVERYONE: Well, I ain’t calling you a truther!
Spencer is like, “What are we gonna tell the cops? Hanna’s a fucking moron and killed someone?” Honestly, I feel like the cops would be like, "yeah that makes sense." No one is really gonna be that surprised that lead foot over there doesn’t know basic driving skills. Or life skills. Or skills in general.
Spencer’s like, “We need to make it look like Snaggle skipped town!” and everyone is like, “Yeah but why would they believe that?” Spencer’s shit answer is: “He’s a dirtbag, he’ll skip town.”
In my experience, the dirtbags tend to stay in town—shoutout to my ex-boyfriend. Please take this as my declined invitation to your upcoming wedding, dickhole.
Good thing they are like, pretty pro at this shit. Covering up a murder is a weekly thing at this point. They got this thing in the bag—a body bag! Get it? No? I’ll see myself out, thx.
Aria’s like, “We need to get Ali back to the hospital before anyone notices she’s gone.” Em is like, "It's chill. The nurses don’t check on the patients at night."
WTF. The nurses on Scrubs are better qualified than these ones. What kind of hospital is like, “Well, patients, past the hour of 8pm you fucks are on your own”? Rosewood, man.
They took Lucas’ car btw and fucking wrecked it. Good thing Hanna is the only girl who could ever convince Lucas that he’s straight, otherwise he might be a tad upset about this.
They all wonder how they are going to get back in the hospital and it’s like—duh, break in like you fucking always do. Don’t act like you’re suddenly fresh out of ideas on how to get into locked places.
Ali gets up, sticks her hand in the fucking dirt, and pulls out Snaggle’s badge to get in the hospital. WTF. How did she do that? I can’t even find my keys like, right after I put them down.
Emily’s snooping through Snaggle’s phone and is like, "HE DOESN’T USE EMOJIS!!!!" What a monster. If he has Pokémon Go, we know it’s A. The true devil of society.
They’re like, “He probably deleted all the A stuff once he realized we were onto him.” Was that before or after you fucking plowed his face through your goddamn windshield?
Emily’s just like manhandling evidence from the dude they murdered and Spencer’s like, "Don’t worry I have some Wet Ones!" Thank god you’re a fucking weirdo, Spence. Makes this whole “try and get away with murder” thing a lot easier.
They have a whole timeline set up: Aria is taking Ali to the hospital while Spencer and all of them are going to put Snaggle’s jacket and phone on a train and hope for the best.
Also, can we talk about Hanna’s perfectly drawn blood mark on her face? Looks like a Coachella 2017 tribal look. Can I get that paint at H&M?
Hanna’s like, “We’re not getting away with this, you guys” and they’re like, “We thought of everything!!” Hanna says no one thinks of everything—and she would fucking know.
HANNA: I’m going to jail! Do you know what they do to people in jail? It rhymes with grape!
Emily’s like, “It’s fine. It’s all good dude. Everyone who could possibly know we murdered someone is in this car!” Sweet, stupid little Emily.
Godzilla/Toby is at the police station looking up Snaggle. Because remember dumbass Emily got him involved? Yvonne texts him wondering where the fuck he is, and he’s just like, “Can’t come home and have sex, babe. Too busy staring at a dude’s picture to help my ex-girlfriend. Sleep tight xo!”
Hanna finds a shard of glass or one of Snaggle’s front teeth, who knows, in her hair. Emily’s pacing back and forth debating on whether she should skip work on her second day. Spencer’s like, “Go to work, we can’t make this look strange.” Though it looks stranger when the liars actually do go to work.
Han is talking to Spencer like, "Hey, can we move on from this? So, I made out with your boyfriend and totally betrayed your trust. Let’s let bygones be bygones."
Caleb comes over and Hanna and Spencer are both hiding from him. Caleb says he’s an idiot and his desperation level is through the roof. He starts telling Spencer that when they first started hanging out he got a job in San Francisco, but he was trying to hit that one time so he turned it down. Because he’s so romantic aka a fucking moron.
He talks about this shitty night they hung out and listened to some broke people play music on a street corner? Idk everyone is crying, and I’m so uncomfortable.
Caleb’s sobbing about how Spencer is basically the Crimson Chin and has the cutest little cleft—wtf? He’s hoping that she will let him inside and she’s like "nah."
Meanwhile, Hanna’s crying like, way more over a dude than the fact that she just ran someone down and ended their life. #priorities
Spencer and Emily are openly chatting about their plan to evade murder at a bar and wait for Aria to text back saying that Ali has been returned to the mental hospital.
Emily’s like, “Look I know your relationship sucks, but you can’t blame Hanna," and Spencer’s like, "I literally can blame Hanna and I fucking will." She tells Emily about Hanna and Caleb’s kiss and Emily’s like, "Well, shit I guess you can blame Hanna. I’m just gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo."
Spencer’s like, “I get it. When I saw Toby’s ring I was like, 'Damn, that could have been me'”—but like you actually dodged a bullet and don’t have to join that lizard king’s family.
Emily’s like “maybe the timing was off?” and Spencer’s like, “What is timing, really?”
*as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary* Timing: noun; the time when something happens or is done especially when it is thought of as having a good or bad effect on the result
That’s what timing is, you dramatic giraffe/girl hybrid.
Spencer’s like, “Either you love someone or you don’t.” Didn’t you say you felt weirdly about Toby like 3 seconds ago? Do you hear yourself, like, when you speak?
Aria is in the hospital with Ali and asks her to to stay put and obviously Ali is like "LOL GOOD ONE," and bounces. Aria searches for her and finds her hiding in the stairwell like fuckin’ Harry Potter.
Ali’s whining about how she hates her mental hospital and Aria’s so over it.
ARIA: I can’t stand all these crazy people being so dramatic and flamboyant. It makes me want to set myself on fire!
Aria’s shackling Ali up and she’s like, “Look, man. The nurses need to know what he did to you.” And it’s like, "Why would they care, they don’t even check on patients. You’re lucky if these nurses even knew your name."
Ali’s like, "Okay, I fucked up marrying that dude." Ya think? You got engaged at a coffee shop for god's sake. Did you actually think this would last?
Aria asks Ali if she killed Charlotte. Ya know, since they already told everyone she did.
Ali starts telling the story of how she didn’t murder Charlotte, but how they got into a fight because Ali told Charlotte about Snaggle. Obviously, you have to have fights about boys in the nearest church. Never in the comfort of your own home.
Charlotte told Ali to leave. I'm a little appalled that they’re both eskimo sisters with a dude who is so fucking beat. It’s insane. Aria’s like, "why didn’t you tell anyone?" and Ali’s like, "none of you believed me." #TRU.
Before Aria leaves, Ali tells her to put the mask on her—ya know, the muzzle thing Snaggle used? Aria’s like, "Uh, are you sure about this and Ali’s like, "Fuck it. Why not?" *plays Hilary Duff song*
Spencer is wallowing at the bar when some dude orders her a drink. The guy looks like a young Rob Lowe if he gained 25 pounds, and is apparently named Marco. No one can ever be named John on this show.
She notices the camera and is like, "Hmmm this works as good evidence I guess. Also, you never turn down a free drink."
He asks her what she was up to earlier and she’s like, “Oh I buried a body,” and he laughs because he’s Rob Lowe and he’s like, “Ah, Ann Perkins you’re so funny!”
Aria and Hanna are out in the woods about to burn Lucas’ car and talking about how Ali used to bully the shit out of them. #tbt Aria starts talking about how she wore the same shirt as Ali to school and faked getting sick because it was social suicide. Honestly, it’s more embarrassing for Ali. The people who dress Aria have the combined IQ of roadkill.
Then they realize the car’s gone.
Spencer is drunken flirting with Rob Lowe and then suddenly they are making out in an elevator to an angsty alternative song. So 50 Shades of Grey of you, Spencer. Disclaimer to underage readers: shit like this never happens.
Spencer sees herself in the mirror and is like, "Shit, I’m a whore!" and she blue balls the fuck outta him.
Hanna and Aria are freaking out about the missing car while Hanna rambles on about Keebler elves and how she parked the car next to the place they made cookies and shit. Hanna, can you for one second get your mind out of the goddamn pantry?
Aria’s trying to deescalate the situation and is like, "Ah, we simply misplaced this two ton piece of metal." NBD. Then they are like waaaaaait a second! Someone drove it away! FUCKING DUH. We confirm what we already knew: Someone is well aware of the whole murder thing.
Suddenly the car comes back with a perfect windshield. Who’s driving it? Our main bitch, Mona. Yas queen.
Aria’s like, "Why are you following us?" and Mona’s like, "Get over yourself plz."
MONA: After Hanna was kidnapped by A, I decided to get smarter about things.
ARIA: Actually she was kidnapped by *AD
MONA: Please die.
Mona is like, "Well I’m smarter than all of you so I figured Snaggle was behind this like four episodes ago." She put a tracker on his car, and they’re like, "Yeah, that’s normal." Aren’t they suspicious of the chick who randomly has GPS trackers? The fuck is this shit, Spy Kids? Where are Carmen and Juni?
Mona’s like, "I was curious," and Aria’s like, "Well, curiosity killed the cat." Good phrase, Aria. Did you learn that when you were fucking your English teacher or your book editor?
Aria’s like, "Do you always insert yourself into our homicides?" UHM, DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM WITH THAT WHOLE STATEMENT????
They are like, “Where did you get the windshield fixed?” and Mona’s like, “A place that won’t ask questions and doesn’t give answers.” Is that on Yelp?
MONA: So, you got Snaggle’s burner phone right?
Emily’s like, "Soooo, I have Snaggle’s shit, and, as suspected, there are no products of dental hygiene" and Spencer’s like, "That’s cool, but I’m drunk AF and I need you to pick me up and like, take me to Taco Bell."
Emily single-handedly organized the March for Lesbians Against Drunk Driving, so she goes and gets her hammered friend.
Emily is screaming at her about how she fucked everything up and Spencer is like, “I used to be free like a butterfly." She starts talking about all these shitty hobbies she was trying to take up (e.g. horseback riding) but now A’s ruined that shit again. You can’t see me Spencer, but I’m playing the world’s smallest violin.
The group brunches together afterwards. Nothing says “we didn’t commit murder” like a mimosa.
They are openly talking about burner phones in a bar, AGAIN. Why must you always discuss illegal activity in open, public places? Don’t they have doors in this god forsaken town?
Aria’s freaking out because they are on camera and Hanna’s like, "Shut the fuck up and drink." Flashback to me saying that to the pledges in my sorority. Drink up whores or you’re fucking dropped.
Mona tells them that Snaggle isn’t American—he’s British! That explains the shitty teeth! And Spencer’s practically screaming: MD IS THE OTHER A!!!!! We get it, Spencer. Take a note from Aria and shut the fuck up and drink.
Just when they are like, "Yeah, probs right—it probably is MD," in comes Jenna, in all her blind glory. Time to fuck shit up, Stevie Wonder style.
Jenna’s like, “Omg, this is so great. How nice to see you all. We should hang out sometime” while low-key insulting all the liars. I am Jenna whenever I go back to my hometown.
They’re like, “Why are you here? Why are you white?" Omg, you can’t just ask people why they're white! She says she’s in town to celebrate her pet iguana of a brother's engagement.
They’re like, “So why are you staying at the Radley?” and she’s like, "My house blew up…ANYWAYS." Wait, hold the phone. I know you can’t see shit, but like you had to have probably been like, "Woah, house blew up!" That’s like, kind of a big deal.
Jenna’s like, “Maybe I’ll go visit Ali and be like 'sup bitch remember when you blinded me.' TOOTLES.” Okay, how is Jenna’s outfit better than Aria’s? She’s literally blind. Like, as in cannot see things.
Caleb calls Spencer, and she ditches to add more OJ to her mimosa. What a little bitch. Everyone knows you only add a splash of OJ for color!
Hanna is like, “Are you gonna be mad at me forever?” Spencer’s like, "Nah, just the rest of the season." Hanna convinces Spencer to go find Caleb and make up and stuff.
HANNA: Tell Caleb the truth. He’ll be mad (I WOULD KNOW BECAUSE I USED TO FUCK HIM), but it will work out.
Jenna is waiting for Toby and he’s like "dafuq bitch?" Jenna’s like, "I really wanna be invited to your wedding so maybe we can make up? Can I take a plus one?"
Mona can’t trace the burner phone and Hanna’s like, "Goddammit, Carol. Get your shit together!
Hanna’s like, "I did get the pedals mixed up." Yeah, probably distracted by the elves making cookies. Mona’s like, "Sure, you got the gas and the brake mixed up...happens to the best of us."
Hanna’s like, "Was it an accident, or did I murder him?" Mona’s like, "I don’t really care, I’m more worried about the fake diamond on your finger." Murder honestly is not as important as knock-offs.
Hanna’s all “I’m hiding this because I don’t wanna go in and fuck up Spencer’s relationship.” Ya know, more than she already did.
Hanna realizes that she left her bracelet in Snaggle’s car, and Mona’s like, "Jesus H Christ you’re a fucking moron."
MONA: You are literally too stupid to insult.
HANNA: Thank you
Aria is wearing a poncho as a skirt, looking like she’s about to sell some fashionable tamales or some shit. Aria and Emily go to the hospital, and there are a bunch of cops there and they’re like, "QUICK, ACT NATURAL," and immediately starts acting suspect as fuck.
Toby’s like, "Come with me right now" and then hisses at them. Calm the fuck down, dude. You’re a Rosewood cop. You’re not even real.
Spencer goes to find Caleb and all of his shit is gone. He left her only a picture frame because he’s a dramatic lil bitch.
MD comes to visit Ali and Ali’s like, "Wtf, I’m calling the nurse." MD’s like, "NAHHHHH." Ali is so royally fucked dude. Also, in a hospital full of nurses and cops all investigating her husband/doctor, couldn’t one like, guard her door? Idk, I’m just thinking out loud here.
MARY DRAKE: Look at me, I’m the captain now.
Toby’s talking to the Liars and tells them that the real Elliot Rollins, not Snaggle, has been dead for 15 years. So he’s been pretending to be a dead guy. So...Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Snaggle?
So is he not a doctor? Why would he try and be Charlotte’s doctor? I’m confused. Honestly this whole Snaggle story line makes me wish that I was the one hit by the car.
Toby’s like, “Finding Snaggle is top priority!” and the Liars are like, "YAAAAY" *internally screaming*
Hanna and Mona are breaking into a car in broad daylight, because #Rosewood, to look for Hanna’s bracelet. How did Mona know how to break into a car? Where did these girls go to college? Litchfield Penitentiary?
They find the bracelet and then hear a phone go off from Snaggle’s car. They eventually find the phone and listen to a message on it and it’s like: “Hey Archer, it’s Jenna.” Okay, if you’re like knowingly calling a burner phone and doing sketchy shit, MAYBE YOU DON’T INTRODUCE YOURSELF ON THE PHONE. You sound like my Dad: “Hey, it’s your Dad calling." Uh, I fucking know because I have had Caller ID for the past 10 years. Jesus Jenna, might as well just fucking mention your social security number too.
Also, who names their fucking child Archer? Unless you are an animated spy that’s only funny when I’m high off my ass, you are not supposed to be named Archer. For the love of god, can there be a dude on this show named John?