Pretty Little Liars Recap: She's The Dead Man

Aria is sitting at Ali’s with a fucking casserole just hanging out and waiting for her friend to get out of the mental hospital. Typical Tuesday.

MD shows up with Ali, and Aria’s like, "WTF, DUDE." Ali said the hospital is afraid that she’ll sue so MD is staying with her while a social worker reviews her case. That’s all you’re giving her? Her fucking aunt as a bodyguard? Sue the shit out of them, Ali—this is America!

Aria is like, “MD was helping Snaggle,” and Ali’s like, "Keep your friends close but your enemies closer, right?" LOL in theory yeah, but when your enemies try to fucking murder you, I suggest some distance.

Ali’s like, "Look, you frigid bitch, give me some answers." It’s hard to take Ali seriously when she has a fucking cat on her sweatshirt. Did they accidently mix up PLL’s wardrobe with The Foster’s? Because this is fasho something a foster kid would wear.

Pretty Little Liars, season 7 episode 05, cat sweater

MD says that Snaggle called her while she was in London and told her Charlotte survived but then like, died. Womp womp. I can only imagine how that phone call went:

SNAGGLE: So do you want the good news or the bad news first?

Also this reference is here for anyone who gets it:

CHANDLER/MD: It happened in London…

MD’s like, “Hey, can I have some water?” and Ali gives her unfiltered tap water, which is the cruelest thing to ever happen on this show. Ali withholds the water and is like, “Listen, bitch, I’m gonna dehydrate the fuck out of you if you don’t tell me more.”

MD is like, “I was manipulated by Snaggle...dazzled by his extra tooth.” MD was like, "Look your mom was a bitch. I just figured you were a bitch and a murderer but like, my b." Ali’s like, “So you tried to kill me because you assumed?” Assumptions make an ass out of you and me, MD.

MD says Snaggle told her that she would get Charlotte’s money, which was chill. Like, her kid’s dead but cash rules everything around me, amiright? Now I ain’t sayin she a gold digger, but she ain’t messin with no LIVING PEOPLE.

MD’s like, “Yeah, so that’s it. We good?” Ali’s like, "Whatever. Here’s your water. Hope you get a flesh eating bacteria from it."

Emily is asleep on the couch after what looks like a 13th birthday party, celebrating with CoffeeShop Girl. She and CoffeeGirl start making out when Emily realizes she forgot a test. LOL at community college.

Emily bounces outta there leaving CoffeeGirl in her house, which is like not ideal, Em, because literally everyone you know hates you and is out to get you. And also, CG, if you bored your date so much that they fell asleep, why wouldn’t you just leave? How I imagine CG in the morning:

EUNICE/COFFEEGIRL: Good morning, sunshine. *holds out muffin* I made you breakfast. (Remember this reference, it will come in handy later.)

Eunice She's The Man I made breakfast darling

Aria is chilling at Ezra’s place like she lives there, when Ezra comes home from a trip looking older by the goddam minute. Seriously, this actor has got to have like, three kids and be working towards retirement by now.

He tells her he went to visit Nicole’s parents to tell them he’s moving forward with his life and boning other girls besides their daughter. How thoughtful.

He tells Aria this because they have “no secrets.” LOL, okay. He’s like, “Anything happen while I was away?” and she’s like, "WE DIDN’T MURDER ANYONE IF THAT’S WHAT YOU MEAN."

Emily goes to the class and the teacher is like, "Sorry, bitch, no test for you." I’ve literally seen people go to class 50 minutes late and still be able to take the test. But I went to actual college where people were smart and weren’t up all night planning a fucking pride parade or whatever.

Pretty Little Liars, season 7 episode 5, test scene

Hanna and Spencer are living in fear of the cops—not even going to say anything political about that, I’m waaaaay too drunk—and they overhear cops giving codes that Spencer magically knows.

SPENCER: Code 112, that means abandoned car
SPENCER: Code 291, that means Hanna shut your fucking mouth
SPENCER: Code 1738, that means hey what’s up hello

Mona is snooping through Snaggle’s burner phone and finds a location and a deleted text sent the night he died, which says that Alison didn’t kill Charlotte. So now they think Snaggle wasn’t trying to kill Ali after all. WHOOPS.

They are like, “Huh, we don’t know jack shit. The only person who did, we murdered.” It's ironic, don’t ya think? It’s like rain on your wedding day.

Ali goes to visit Emily and Aria, and they tell her the location on Snaggle’s phone and Ali doesn’t know what the fuck they’re talking about. Ali’s like, “Everything Snaggle did was a lie!” and they’re like, “He didn’t try and kill you!!” No, he just tortured her. BUT LIKE, IT’S NOT THAT BAD.

Aria’s like, “Snaggle was def texting Jenna. She’s such a liar!” So in this recipe, you move the ingredients from the pot to the kettle.

Em thinks MD is Snaggle’s accomplice and Ali’s like, “Nah, she tried to bail the moment she realized she would be committing a felony.“ Ugh, what a fucking pussy, amiright?

eye roll

Em’s like, "Let’s go to the apartment of the dead guy!" And Aria’s like, "WOAH, that’s like pretty sus" (as opposed to everything they currently do, that is still very suspicious). Emily does not give a fuck about the cops as she’s ballin’ out rn.

EMILY/BRICK: I killed a guy, with a trident!
ARIA/RON: Yeah about that. You should just lay low for a little bit…

Ali goes to get money and realizes all of her money has been stolen. She’s not Martha Stewart broke, she’s MC Hammer broke. Fuck, man.

Aria goes to Ezra’s house again and he says he’s running errands, but, of course, leaves behind his phone. He gets a phone call from Nicole, the ex who was kidnapped by El Chapo or whatever, and Aria answers it.

She’s like, “Hello are you there, kidnapped girl? It’s me, Aria.” And there is just Spanish music playing in the background. Either Nicole’s at a fucking fiesta or someone stole her phone or something. Aria’s like, “I get collect calls from dead people.”

Aria tells Emily about it, and Emily’s like, "Come over and let’s get drunk." SEE with that kind of logic you probably would have done well in college. Emily tells Aria not to tell Ezra and tells a story about how the same thing happened when her dad died because her cousin accidentally called her mom from her dad’s phone.

Aria’s like, "Alright, twist my arm! I’ll delete the call from my love interest’s dead girlfriend that could potentially ruin our relationship!" LOL gun to my head!

Emily’s drinking when she gets an email saying she got a 92% on her test. She’s like, “First of all, I missed that test. Second of all, there is no way I got a 92%.” And AD’s like, "Thank me later, you ungrateful bitch.” This is some Sebastian Hastings subbing into the game for Viola shit. PLEASE KEEP UP BECAUSE I’M ABOUT TO BLOW YOUR MIND.

But like, wow AD that’s like really sweet of you. Where were you when I was in college? Also, Emily, how did your teacher not realize you weren’t there? You’re the only exotic girl I know who dresses like a middle-aged softball coach that’s STILL in community college.

Spencer confronts Hanna about Caleb, wondering where he is. Aw, Eskimo sisters using their bond for the greater good. #Feminism

Hanna sees Jenna, and Spencer tells her to follow her, which should be easy because she’s blind AF. Hanna’s like, “Well, look. I can’t just stalk the blind girl. That’s like, low-key weird even for me,” and says that she has another idea to spy on Jenna. It’ll probably end up like the last plan she had, ya know, where she ended up kidnapped. Good times.

Emily shows Aria the text. Aria’s like, “Wtf. This bitch tried to kill me, and now she’s doing your homework. I want a fucking refund.”

Em’s like, “Fuck it. Let’s do it live,” and she texts a number off AD’s phone asking to meet. This is a terrible idea. Much like the cheer move in the Fountain of Troy, it’s prohibiti-bibiti-bobado!

The person is like, "Oh, the usual spot?" And Em’s like, "WE MUST BREAK INTO THAT APARTMENT." Jesus, fuck. Okay, Emily, stop yelling.

CoffeeGirl shows up right as they are about to break into a crime scene, and Emily’s super awkward about it. Aria’s watching the whole thing, and is like, please kill me.

Ali’s throwing shit around in her house playing "Bitch Better Have My Money" on full blast, and desperately trying to find money in her house. MD’s like shiiiiiiit man, didn’t see that coming.


Mr. Krabs money

MD’s like, “When they find him, they’ll totally give you your money back!” And Ali’s like, "FUUUUUUUUUCK, I’m gonna be poor forever."


Spencer goes to Toby to ask where Caleb is. Damn, all the exes on this show are really nice. If my ex’s girlfriend asked me to help find him I’d be like, “I don’t understand the question, and I won’t respond to it.”

Toby knows but won’t tell Spencer where Caleb is because he needs space. Even though he’s the one who cheated. Right, yeah.

Spencer runs into Marco AKA young, fat Rob Lowe and realizes a) she made out with Toby’s boss and the new detective on Snaggle’s case and b) she made out with a short guy. She’s just a mess at this point, but while she leaves she sees on the computer that they found Snaggle’s car. So, at least she isn’t completely useless.

Jenna goes to visit Ali and is like, “Oh, hey, I was, uh, just here to see you, but I can’t even see. Get it? ‘Cause I’m fucking blind?”

Ali’s like, “Cut the crap, Ray Charles.” And asks why Jenna is really there. Jenna asks if she can talk to Snaggle. Ali says Snaggle doesn’t live there anymore and Jenna’s like, "Whatever, crazy lady." Ali gets mad and spills the fact that she knows Snaggle’s name is Archer.

How do blind people get people to do shit like this? Ali admits her secrets, all the kids at the Sandlot try and climb over the fence just to avoid the owner? What is this voodoo?

Emily and Aria go to the dump of an apartment that Snaggle supposedly chills at. He must have gotten his dental work done here because it’s pretty shitty. They find a fake head and a bunch of pictures of Darren Wilden on the wall. Snaggle was into some kinky shit.

Sara is drinking when Jenna comes up and is like, "Can I sit here?" Sara is originally a dick but realizes it’s a blind girl and decides to loosen up. Sara is me whenever someone tries to talk to me at a bar: “What the fuck do you want?”

what the fuck expression

Jenna practically feels Sara up and is like, "We know the same people" and they start having drinks together. I know Jenna is blind so she can’t see how fug Sara is up close, but if she’s breaking into the lesbian scene with Sara, that’s really unfortunate.

Hanna tells Spencer that Jenna extended her stay and Spencer’s like, "MAYBE SHE HAS THINGS TO DO!!!" Since when are you defending her? Stop trying to be reasonable, Spencer, it’s not your style.

Spencer is mad about Caleb going MIA and Hanna’s like “I feel so bad for home-wrecking you. How can I help? Want me to fuck some sense into him??” Spencer’s like, “You can help me by backing the fuck up.”

HANNA: Omg, I know how to solve this! Threesome!

Aria and Emily are still digging around in Snaggle’s apartment and find a passport and plane tickets hidden for Snaggle and one other person along with pay statements to Jenna and MD. They find his name in a copy of The Twelfth Night and learn he’s Archer Dunhill AKA AD.

Because I’m an avid Game Of Thrones watcher—that’s real TV, not any of this Freeform bullshit—and I know how foreshadowing works, I think that Twelfth Night has something to do with the upcoming plot. AD highlighted a bunch of shit, which makes me think he’s like, using it to fuck the girls over. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING: Wow, this girl is like, so smart. I know, right? I’m a private school girl, betch.

ME/JA’MIE: Studies have shown that students from private schools are more likely to get into Uni and end up making a lot more money; while wife-beaters and rapists are nearly all public school educated. Sorry, no offense, but it’s true.

Go read the Twelfth Night plot on Wikipedia or like, watch She’s The Man—since it’s based off that book.

Toby ends up at the apartment and is not surprised to find Aria and Emily there. Worst cop ever. Toby’s like, “I know y’all did my job, so whatcha find?” They show him all the goods and he’s like, "Excellent, now gtfo."

MD is humming a song and Ali’s like, “My mom used to sing that to me.” MD says it’s a lullaby passed down from their grandmother, and it’s about men and lies. Huh, I guess Rockabye Baby wasn’t cutting it anymore. Either way, that’s a weird family tradition.

GREAT GRANDMA DILAURENTIS/PAULETTE: Now remember children, men are all big, fat retards.
GRANDKIDS: Yes, Grandmama. Amen.

Rosewood PD calls Ali and she meets the Italian sausage wannabe Rob Lowe. He tells Ali that they think Snaggle targeted her for her money because, obvi, it’s all gone.

They say that Snaggle got on the train (the Liars did that) but then after that he was seen in Baltimore, which is weird because they sent him on a train to Philly. Ali is basically the confused Mr. Krabs meme at this point.

Snaggle apparently rented a fucking car and got the fuck outta there. Ali’s like, "WHAAAAAT." And Rob Lowe is like, "I WONT STOP UNTIL I FIND HIM, ANN PERKINS!!!!" So is he dead, or…?

Ann Perkins from Parks and Rec bar scene

Emily sees CoffeeShop Girl and asks her out again (yawn) while also seeing Sara and Jenna hanging out. Sara has really let herself go and Em’s probably like, "phew dodged a bullet there."

Sara’s like, "STUDYING LATE, EMILY?" And Emily’s like, "HOW DARE YOU? YOU KNOW I DON’T STUDY." Jenna said Toby mentioned her going back to school, so that’s def sus.

Hanna is freaking out because someone def knows they killed someone, which is like, so not chill for her. Everyone is like, "Can you shut up for four seconds, and usher her into the kitchen so she can find solace?"

Ali tells them how she may have blown their cover when she yelled at Jenna and Aria’s like, "COOL STORY, HANSEL, BUT I GOTTA MEET MY BOYFRIEND NOW, BYE." Aria fucking sucks. What’s new.

The song "Little Sparrow" comes on and it’s dramatic as fuck. How did this get sung to children? No wonder your kids turned out fifty shades of fucked up.

Ali finds her fugly red jacket from AD saying that her friends sold her out and AD couldn’t find proof she murdered Charlotte. Ali’s like, DAFUQ.

Aria goes to Ezra’s coffee shop and finds candles everywhere with Ezra in a suit. Well that’s new since he’s looked like a homeless person this whole season.

He rambles about their relationship, and I’m like SNOOOOOZE...then he asks her to marry him. In his apartment. While standing next to his trash can. #romance. Aria’s like, "Uhhhhhhhhhh," and of course that’s where we got cut off.

At the ending credits Sara and Jenna are drinking and Sara’s like, "Why are we still here? Let’s go scissor," when Noel walks in. So the three of them are plotting something good. Finally this season gets interesting.




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