Well okay, a girl goes on vacation for one week and gets no internet and suddenly people freak tf out about no recap last week. Not that I blame you—I’m fucking hilarious. But hello, I’m back so could you just like, chill for a sec?
Since service was not on my side last week, I’ll be sure to touch up on points from last week in this recap. Because I’m like, such a good friend. Also, last week’s episode wasn’t even that good *cough, cough, like this whole show, cough* OMG who said that?
Tiffany: OMG Britney!
Britney: What? You were thinking it!
Tiffany: Yeah but you said it!
Last week Hanna decided she’s sick of putting up with the other liars' baby back bullshit. She knows Noel was the one who tortured her and she’s here to fuck shit up. She told Caleb she was “off the grid” and bounced. This episode is going to be directed by Quentin Tarentino.
She told the Liars she’s off to NYC, and they think that’s weird. Like why would any leave Rosewood? It’s so homey here! Only like 3 people have been murdered in a month! It’s really on the come up. But Hanna’s too busy playing with her DIY murder kit to give a fuck. Did you get those murder ideas off Pinterest?
HANNA’S BOARD: Murder Ideas <3
Last week Ezra went off to South America with all the little birdies and the monkeys to try and find Nicole.
Basically, we don’t know about this whole “engagement” thing, especially since Aria lied about that phone call. Aria says Ezra called her when he got to South America and they found hostages, but they aren’t sure if Nicole is one of them.
Spencer is like “wow Ezra must be overwhelmed!” And if Hanna was there you can bet this conversation would have happened:
HANNA: I know you can be underwhelmed, and you can be overwhelmed, but can you ever just be, like, whelmed?
SPENCER: I think you can in Europe.
We found out that MD had another kid besides Charlotte and that the kid was adopted and around the same age as the Liars. They all think it’s Noel Kahn, but that’s like, way too easy. They decide that Aria is going to look for record of the adoption while Spencer goes and spies on Noel.
Emily is going to continue to be the useless college dropout and go interview for the swim coach job at Rosewood High. Against Paige, who unfortunately reappeared in our lives last week. Maybe Paige can lend Emily “Ned’s Declassified Interview Survival Guide.”
Hanna does a dramatic reading to a videotape about how she’s going to do some shit. Why does Hanna think she is competent enough to pull this shit off? Like know yourself, know your worth.
Spencer supposedly has a search engine that looks up people? Where do I get that? Is there a 3 month free trial like Apple Music, which I had to fucking download to get Frank Ocean’s album? Frank Ocean is the only gay man to continuously fuck me.
The gardener/detective comes by and says that Snaggle fled to France. Huh, I guess he’s on vacation too. Then he hits on Spencer. Wow, he got over that unsolved case fast. She tells him it’s too soon because her and Caleb just broke up and he leaves her his card *cough, cough, DOUCHE, cough*.
The Coffee Girl is eating cake and Emily comes in like “oh look at that! A treat. Tell me, do you like your muffin buttered? Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?” The cake order is for Noel Kahn and Emily’s like DON’T BAKE HIM A GODDAM THING, and Coffee Girl is like dafaq??
Aria and that sexy motherfucker Jason meet up. Last week we learned that they def had a thing before and we’re like SO fucking jealous.
Jason thinks AD is still in Rosewood and that he set fire to the basement. God, Jason is better than the cops are. Aria tells Jason what they found in the basement: paperwork basically saying Jessica was a piece of shit and proof of MD’s other child. Also, MD is still missing. Freeform could only afford her for 6 episodes. Sad, all love.
Jason thinks that his mom was killed for the secrets MD had and Aria convinces him to go to the courthouse with her and help her get more information. He’s hoping he gets a chance to tap that in the waiting room, so he’s like, k sounds good.
Hanna follows Noel to a dumpster where he throws out a trash bag, because like duh, it’s a fucking dumpster. Hanna decides to dumpster dive afterwards and digs through his shit, finding a phone that’s broken AF but with Sara’s face on it. Sketch.
Emily and Paige are filling out applications in a classroom right next to each other like it’s a fucking standardized test. Emily is like “should I lie about being arrested?” and says she’s “never done one of these things.” What? You’ve never tried to be a functioning member of society before?
Also, I wouldn’t lie about your criminal record. This isn’t like saying you’re “proficient in Excel.” They will background check you. It’s a fucking school, not a job at Hollister.
Paige is like, “don’t worry, the teachers know you’re a fucking psycho!” and Emily’s like “glad they don’t ask me about committing crimes, phew!” Yeah, you’re #blessed they don’t know that shit. Paige tells Emily that she’s a great person, blah blah, incessant lesbian chatter, blah.
Aria and Jason are waiting at the courthouse when Aria flashes back to the time that she and Jason slept together. Ugh we hate Aria. Anyways, it seemed like she and Jason were dating. Jason is going to Ethiopia and asks Aria to come with him. Aria is like “ugh what am I gonna do in Ethiopia? Help starving people? I mean, come on, Jason.” What’s with all these dudes going to third world countries for charity? I knew like, one person who did that and they were Mormon and like, spreading the word of our lord and savior Jesus Christ.
Emily finishes her interview, which she wore a flannel to. We get it, you’re a lesbian. God forbid you own anything business casual. Never know when you’ll need to sub in for a random softball game.
Paige says she misses Emily and Emily is like “yeah, I have a girlfriend but like, I’m gonna dump her, but like, I have a girlfriend.” But Paige knew that because she fucking stalks Emily. NBD.
Emily tells Paige that A is back and Paige is like “omg tell your girlfriend! It’ll make your relationship great!” Is this reverse psychology?
Hanna meets her local roofie dealer and gets her drugs. He’s like “you’re the first girl I’ve sold to.” Wow, this is actually a fucking disgusting scene.
PLL WRITERS: I got it! Usually we make fun of blind people, but this time let’s make light of date rape!
Spencer gets Noel’s address from her mom’s campaign manager, no questions asked. Spencer and Emily go alone to Noel’s cabin in the woods, because, fucking duh. They realize that the cabin is in the same place that Hanna was held captive and reminds them of the bunker they were tortured in. But yeah, let’s just continue breaking in alone.
There is a security camera and Spencer busts it so they can break in. They’re snooping around and just can’t seem to find the pesky evidence that he murdered and tortured people. This ain’t his first rodeo. I doubt he’s gonna leave a fucking bloody knife in the entry way.
They find a box with a stamp on it and Spencer’s like “You needed a stamp to get into the Kahn’s parties!!” Wtf? Where were his parties? Vegas?
They find a flash drive, plug it into Noel’s computer and find the videos of him torturing them in the dollhouse. He’s planting blood on Spencer and Spencer starts crying and it’s a mess. Anyways, they steal the flashdrive and gtfo.
Meanwhile Aria and Jason get their number called right as the news report from South America comes up. Aria’s like “brb, sorry about being kidnapped and all Nicole, but I got shit to do.”
The lady at the desk says there is nothing she can do for Jason and Aria tells the woman his whole sob story. Any other court clerk would be like “yeah, we don’t care.” But not this court clerk, she’s a cool court clerk.
The woman is like “you’re lucky to have a fiancé that cares so much!!” Jason agrees she’s special because saying “actually she isn’t my fiancé” is too much work. The woman says she will try and find something for them and will fax it by the end of the day. People still own faxes?
Spencer wants to give the tape of the torture to the police and Aria says they can’t without Hanna. Spencer’s like mmmmm actually we can. Like Aria, can you pull your head out of Hanna’s ass for a second?
Emily finds out that Hanna is not in New York and everyone is so shocked. Like, how could she lie to us?! This never happens!
Coffee Girl comes over and Emily’s like ugh this shit again. Can I live? Coffee Girl says she has a break at work and wants to go to dinner. Wtf how long are your breaks? Where are you going to eat for your 15 minute break? Taco Bell?
Coffee Girl is like PLEASE TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON and Emily’s like mmmm better not. Coffee Girl made her cupcakes and is like “eat darling”.
EMILY: I’m on an all-carb diet, Coffee Girl! God you’re so stupid!
Everyone is trying to find Hanna before she does something fucking moronic. Fat chance.
Speaking of morons, Hannah blackmails Noel for Sara’s phone. Why does Sara’s phone have a selfie of her as the background? Like wtf, you couldn’t like, take a picture of a flower or something? God, Sara annoys me even after her death.
Hanna crushes up the drugs like a hardened pro and puts on her totally great disguise: a baseball hat. Yeah, cause no one is going to tilt their head a little bit and figure out who the fuck that is. You have A wearing custom made masks and you’re here with a fucking ball cap? What is this? Amateur hour? A center for ants?
Noel shows up to the bar and Hanna buys him a beer and drugs the fuck outta it. Casual. Hanna sits with Noel and is like I know you murdered Sara, cheers!
Hanna makes up a story about how she is getting questioned for Sara’s death and is like “look I know it was you, so why don’t we be each other’s alibi? You scratch my back, I scratch yours.” Noel’s like “see the funny thing about my back is that it’s located on my cock….also I actually fucking hate you.”
She offers Noel the beer and he’s like hmmmmm sometimes I think I should drink a drugged beer, but then I think, betta not. He manhandles Hanna to get the phone and tells her to be careful or she’ll end up like Sara.
NOEL: “You fell victim to one of the classic blunders—the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia"—but only slightly less well-known is this: "Never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line"! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha...”
Spencer goes home because her mom’s car alarm is going off—duh this shit is about to be a trap. All the lights go off because they are in a storm and she’s like “ah, what a perfect time to watch the videos of me being tortured.”
She decides to call the police, or at least that detective guy. If she can’t get a police report at least she can probs get a quickie out of it. Win-win, am I right?
Then a tree branch breaks through a window, the doors swing open, and Spencer sees someone in the doorway. She grabs a knife and the detective is there. She tells him someone is in the house and he goes off searching. She looks, and big shock, the flashdrive is missing. You had one job.
Jason and Aria are having a candlelit discussion and trying to not make it romantic. Jason would be naked like .4 seconds into a conversation, candlelit or not, with me. Just sayin.
Aria tells Jason that she’s worried about her future with Ezra and Jason is like “you two are meant to be!!!” Is this the episode where all the jealous exes lie? Just wondering.
Aria flashbacks to Jason trying to convince her to go to Ethiopia, and she’s like “well, here’s the thing.” She took a cushy job at a publishing company—of course the one that published Ezra’s work. Jason figured that out and calls her on it and she’s like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Jason tells her basically if Ezra dumps her for the little hostage girl, he’ll be waiting for her, dick hard and all. What a guy.
Ezra finally texts and says Nicole wasn’t one of the hostages and he’s coming home to Rosewood. Aria is crying, so happy that there is still a helpless girl trapped by terrorists out there. Jason comes back and says that the adoption file came through except everything is blacked out.
However, they see that the judge’s name is on there and of course it’s Noel’s dad. Aria now thinks that Noel’s dad adopted MD’s baby. Bold strategy cotton, let’s see how it works out for them.
Emily calls Paige to talk and tells her about Noel. She invites Paige over, who practically creams her pants and says yes. But like, she’s also oddly watching Coffee Girl. Fuck, she’s so weird.
Noel comes home and finds Hanna’s hat on the ground and he’s like WOW SHE MUST BE SO EXPOSED NOW WITHOUT THE HAT. He leans down to grab it and Hanna fucking hits him over the head with a bat. It’s like a league of their own in this bitch.
She’s like “it’s over bitch” and I’m like, fuck if I had a nickel for every time I heard that on this show.