The last episode of the season, thank you sweet baby Jesus, you beautiful bastard. This season has def brutally murdered some of my IQ points, but more profoundly, it has made me rethink everything I thought I knew about myself. Like, am I addicted to this stupid fucking show on Freeform? Have I really become this person? It’s total crisis mode over here.
Either way, I’m sure you’ve all heard that PLL is officially ending next season which is like, the best news I’ve heard since I found out they made low-fat margarita mix. Finally, we can all have our lives back instead of wasting an hour a week on this addictive dogshit. Ugh, let’s begin.
The Liars are now worried that Hanna’s actually gonna fuck shit up now that she’s gone rogue. Like, she isn’t the brightest crayon in the box and she’s like fucking psycho ever since being tortured. And then she cut all her hair off and she’s like totally weird now.
Caleb’s like “I’m going to keep calling her!” Literally the last person she wants to hear from is her ex-boyfriend. She doesn’t answer because she’s in the middle of a kidnapping obvi. Also, can you like, text her? What is this phone call bullshit?
They all think Noel has kidnapped Hanna so Spencer calls 911.
Meanwhile, Hanna has Noel tied up and has a giant ass knife dangling in front of him. Oh, it’s lit. Hanna’s screaming at him to admit he’s AD and he’s like, fucking unconscious. She continues to scream at him and decides, fuck the fact that he’s knocked out, I’m going to cut him. She slices his leg and collects his blood. This is some Criminal Minds shit rn.
The whole Rosewood PD including the OC gardener and the he-man lizard Toby are back and looking for Hanna. Have you looked at the local McDonald’s? Just pointing out the obvious here.
It’s apparently Toby’s last day on force and he’s spending it dealing with Spencer and her dumbass friends. Per usual. The gardener is like WE’RE FINDING HANNA TODAY- which is clue #1 that he’s new to Rosewood. Cute, stupid little detective.
Hanna delivers the vile of blood to the DNA guy and he’s like “trying to prove someone is your baby daddy?” Oh fuck off Craig and go fucking examine the blood. Trying to pop off when your only employer is Jerry Springer- bitch, swerve.
Mona is spying on Jenna who is frantically calling Noel. Mona’s like “she doesn’t know where Noel is, ya know, because she’s blind.” Mona and Caleb wonder if Hanna got to Noel first and they’re like “LOL good one!” Because the thought of Hanna doing something even kind of right is ridic.
Ezra facetimes Aria and does not seem too happy to see her. He tells her that they didn’t find Nicole and that he’s going to come home ASAP. If Nicole is alive, this is like, the most successful episode of “Naked and Afraid” ever.
Hanna’s like, ugh I don’t know how to do this felony shit and calls the baddest bitch in the ‘Wood: Mona. Hanna’s like “you are the sketchiest person I know” and Mona’s like “I love compliments.” She doesn’t even bat a fucking eye when she sees Noel tied up. Been there, committed that crime.
Mona finds the flashdrive in Noel’s boot and is like “fuck this noise, let’s take him to the cops! We have proof!” and Hanna’s like mmmmm it’s a no from me. She doesn’t want to “settle.”
HANNA: I will keep him here all night if I have to
MONA: We can only keep him here until 4
HANNA: I will keep you here until 4
Paige comes to deliver food to the Liars and Ali is like “get that butch girl out of my face before I vomit in her bob haircut.” Ali wonders why the fuck Paige is even here. Like a) in the house and b) in general. Like her existence seems pretty pointless.
She thinks Paige is using this whole “being stalked by a murderer” thing to get close to Emily and Em’s like “OMG Ali, that’s crazy no one would like ever do that!” As they get questioned about their missing friend who is going to murder the guy who tortured her. But like, people are usually so nice in Rosewood.
EMILY: I wish I could bake a cake out of rainbows and we could all eat from it
Every time Paige touches Emily Ali acts like she’s fucking ill and she runs to the bathroom to vomit about the gay pride parade she’s witnessing right now.
Hanna starts practicing her story to lie to the cops and her friends. Mona is like “no way your friends buy it” but the cops will because they’re fucking morons. There is literally better police work on Zootopia and the cop is a fucking bunny.
Hanna tells the lie to everyone and they’re like “oh nbd!” Caleb goes home with her because he’s a) trying to get his dick wet and b) figure out what the fuck is actually going on. They start yelling at each other about how they both suck and Caleb is like WE’RE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!!! Queue the makeout scene in 3, 2, 1. Ah, now the are fucking by the fireplace. Wow you’re really doin’ it. You’re really shitting in the street.
CALEB: I don’t want to spend another day without you. I love you.
ME: *throws chocolate at TV* LIAR!
Mona goes to tell Jenna to back the fuck up and leave town because Noel is going to go to jail and will def rat her out. Jenna’s like mmm nope, thanks anyways. Meanwhile Noel is still stuck in the less-hot 50 Shades of Grey and wake up all tied up in a hotel room.
Emily is staying at Ali’s and getting ready for a very gay slumber party when Ali tells her that she’s pregnant with Snaggle’s baby. She starts crying, realizing how much she’s going to have to pay for Snaggle Jr.’s dental work.
Emily says she’ll support her and by support her, she means in bed, naked. Nothing gets Emily horny like talking about a fucking fetus.
The detective/gardener is still trying to fuck Spencer. Like seriously dude, give it a rest. He buys her dinner when he’s supposed to be protecting her and Spencer’s like “wow so romantic!” I’d be like what the fuck do you think you’re doing? Get back in your squad car and suit up mother fucker.
While watching movies at their 6th grade sleepover, Ali makes a move on Emily and they start making out. The fuck is going on? Seriously, do pregnancy hormones kick in that fast? This is not how my sleepovers went.
Meanwhile, Aria sees that Nicole is found on the news. The news shows Ezra/Nicole’s reunion where they kiss. Like honestly, how dare he kiss that victim of terrorism? I’m just ready for Nicole to come back, hardened by a life of living with international criminals in South America, and take on Aria.
Spencer goes to say bye to Toby because he and Yvonne are packing up to ditch this Popsicle stand. She gives Toby a sad handwritten book and he’s like “I would have preferred nudes, but thanks?” She tells Toby that he deserves love or some shit and asks if she can kiss him one more time.
Obviously he says yes and he gets super into it, sinking his lizard teeth into her and holding on for dear life. She leaves, obviously confused and everyone knows they are going to get back together. Well that plotline was cool, bye.
Paige is there outside of Ali’s house saying the Emily is her girlfriend and she needs to go in and see her. Cops are like, no, and Paige is like “my father, the inventor of toaster strudel will not be happy to hear about this.”
Paige is like “I know you are being stalked, but wanna go get breakfast?” Um no Paige she doesn’t want to eat a fucking omelet right now, can you fucking chill out? Emily says she needs to stay and help her friend and Paige is like WOW YOU FUCKING BITCH.
Emily’s like ALI IS IN TROUBLE and Paige is like two seconds away from reaching over and strangling her. Paige thinks Ali is a Taylor Swift/snake and only wants people happy on her terms. Which is like, half true, just like Dawn Schweitzer being a fat virgin.
Paige screams at Emily, does this whole fucking dramatic thing, then hops on her bike and rides home. Seriously? Does no one own a car in this town? It seems like the only people who do just run over shit in it. Who is the driving instructor here? Also, what a pussy way to end an argument. That’s like saying goodbye to someone and then you both start walking in the same direction.
Hanna goes to pick up the vial of Noel’s blood, so creepy, and learns that it is not a match to MD’s DNA. Hanna’s like fuuuuuuuuck I made a huge mistake. Actual picture of Hanna:
Hanna calls the group and is like “so, it’s a funny story….” And basically tells them, my b. She’s like y’all wouldn’t commit to the kidnap and torture thing so I had to take matters into my own hands. Yeah, because it’s their fault.
Hanna’s like sooooooo Noel is still tied up and like, we should probs go get him. Maybe we can explain this whole thing, like, mmmm sorry for kidnapping you? They all agree that even though he isn’t MD’s kid he can still be AD.
They go to confront Noel together and oh shocker, he’s not fucking there. He took the camera and Hanna’s like OMG HE CAN FRAME ME FOR KIDNAPPING. But like, didn’t you like, actually kidnap him? But if you’re from Africa, why are you white?
They get a text from A to meet somewhere and swap the thumb-drive for the camera. Seems kinda like a lame trade to me but the liars are like SIGN ME THE FUCK UP.
Mona and Caleb are at the Radley spying on Jenna, which isn’t hard, since she lives in a world of fucking darkness. Imagine how legit Jenna would be if she wasn’t blind. She would be tearin’ it upppp.
Jenna orders two drinks and then delivers them to Caleb and Mona. Wait what? Turns out that it’s a body double for Jenna. Mona and Caleb realize they have been played but they gotta pound their drinks before they help the liars, obvi. That’s just wasteful. Kim, there are people dying.
Toby and Yvonne are about to leave and Toby is getting sentimental over who will buy his lizard cave of a house. Yvonne says she’s going to go get sandwiches for the road, because they don’t stop at McDonald’s like normal people, and Toby almost texts Spencer something romantic but then deletes it.
They go to where Noel invited them and it’s an old school for the blind. Emily’s like, ah shit, a place of higher learning, it burns! We all know that bitch is allergic to anything education related.
They’re like Jenna must have gone here when she lost her eyesight and Jenna’s like WRONG you blinded me you cunts. Jenna right now:
Jenna tells them to leave the thumb-drive on the table and they’re like, k whatever. They hear the camera go off upstairs and they move to get it. They look to the table again and the flash-drive is gone. Damn, A comes quickly. I wonder if he’s my ex-boyfriend.
They enter a room with a bunch of cribs and someone is like “this is the room where they learn to take care of babies!” Wtf kind of school was this? Why would anyone hire a blind baby sitter? Like that’s got to be a pretty big requirement in that field. 1. Don’t have a criminal record and 2. Have functioning eyesight.
They are about to leave but decide to keep exploring because they don’t have anything better to do. They go into a room full of a bunch of crap and dead animals. What’s the class schedule here? First period- child care, second period- taxidermy?
They get ready to leave and Emily’s dumb ass left her phone upstairs. God, A doesn’t even have to do anything, these girls are morons by themselves. Like who the fuck leaves their phone somewhere? Is this amateur hour? I know where my phone is like every second of every day. You keep the ones you love close.
Hanna and Emily go upstairs and Noel’s like SUP. Shits hittin’ the fan.
Meanwhile downstairs, Jenna comes out holding a gun. Wow she knows how to shoot too? So third period- shooting. Got it. This place really has all the makings of being every redneck’s fantasy.
The girls stay silent as blind ass Jenna walks right by them. An ancient proverb once said- you can take the girl out of blind school, but you can’t take the blind out of the girl.
Aria says she’s gonna call the cops but of course, no one has service. Seriously? ISIS can send videos from fucking caves and you can’t get cell service?
He starts chasing them around the taxidermy room, knocking shit over and what not. He finds an old axe and is like “I can smell fear!” Well that’s a skill you can take straight to the bank. That should be his fun fact when he introduces himself in class.
NOEL: Hi, I’m Noel, I’m from Rosewood. And hmmm, fun fact….. I can smell fear.
A bowling ball that Noel knocked over rolls down the stairs and the Liars freak out, telling Jenna exactly where they are. Jenna’s pointing a gun at them and they all just fucking stand there. I haven’t yelled at the TV “MOVE” since Rickon wouldn’t fucking bob and weave. You curly headed fuck, arrows only shoot straight! I HOPE YOU ARE SERPENTINING IN THE AFTERLIFE.
Anyways they don’t move, which is stupid AF. She’s blind, not a fucking sharp shooter. Unless she is legit Helen Keller incarnated, I think you’re gonna be fine.
Jenna turns off all the lights because she wants them to be blind just like her. Jenna wore army pants and flip flops, AND NOW THEY ALL HAVE TO WEAR ARMY PANTS AND FLIP FLOPS.
Noel’s got his axe because he’s the hash-winging, the slash-slinging, the hash-slinging slasher!!! Hanna and Emily attack him and Emily uses her super lesbian strength to punch him in the face and he falls….RIGHT ON HIS AXE. OMG. WHAAAAAAAT.
What is this? Game of Thrones? How sharp was that fucking axe? Should they be leaving a sharp ass weapon in a school FULL OF PEOPLE WHO CAN’T SEE?! But also, what a punch. She must have been using the 5 pound weights in SoulCycle.
Noels FUCKING HEAD ROLLS DOWN THE STAIRS *plays A-Trak’s heads will roll* and the Liars are like “well, that’s new.” The go up the stairs to find their stupid ass friends and find Noel’s body. Wow, there is a lot happening rn.
Jenna follows them and starts shooting. All the liars get out okay except Spencer, who looks like she is shot in the chest. She crawls to the baby room to hide and Jenna follows her.
Jenna’s like “I SMELL YOUR BLOOD!” Okay, what is this? True Blood? Or are you like, secretly a rabid dog? And why do you guys have such a heightened sense of smell? Yankee Candle must be horrible for you.
Jenna’s about to fucking murder Spencer and MD comes in and saves her, knocking Jenna out. While Jenna’s passed out, someone grabs her from the shadows. How does everything go unnoticed? Like is everyone in this town blind? Is that it?
Spencer is basically about to die and MD’s like “you’re my daughter.” I’m sorry, what? Spencer’s eyes widen and then she’s like “I’m stepping into the light.” Next season Spencer will be at Kings Cross Station with Dumbledore.
All the liars hear MD’s confession and they’re like DAFAQQQQ?
At the same time, the screen pans to a car accident and shows an unconscious Yvonne and Toby. Next Yvonne sits an uneaten sandwich….. nah, I’m just kidding. Though, how fucking poetic would that be?
Then Jenna wakes up and is like “where am I?” Ugh, such a blind person thing to say. Someone throws a mask at her and Jenna goes “you’re AD!” And boom, the season ends.
So far, we have Nearly-But-Totally-Headless Noel gone, Toby, Spencer and the French ass name Yvonne dying, Nicole the terrorist hostage jungle freak coming back, and Jenna kidnapped. Also baby mama drama from basically anyone with the last name DiLaurentis. Please keep up. See you guys in April, I’m going to go live my life now.