The Princess of Cambridge Is Finally Here

By Queen Elizabetch

In case you spent the entire weekend pre-gaming and binge drinking for the Kentucky Derby and May-Pac fight (read: hugging session), Prince William and Kate Middleton had a baby girl. Like the great poet Ciara once said, the princess is here.

Baby Cambridge - Will and Kate haven't announced a name yet - was born on Saturday morning just in time for spin class. Kate's labor lasted 3 hours and she left the hospital less than 12 hours after being admitted. That is the definition of pregnancy goals, sorry Jill Dugger. Prince William brought Prince George to the hospital to visit the new Princess. George, like the future-bro and member of the lucky sperm club that he is, waved to his peasants. Hopefully, George was pleased with the spare heir.

Kate wore a yellow and cream Jenny Packham dress and looked better than most girls going to spring formal. Will noticeably has fully developed a combover look to cover his baldness - A for effort, C for execution. Baby Cambridge had approximately zero fucks for the paparazzi and slept through her first official appearance.

So to recap: The Princess arrived fashionably late (6 days), napped through her first public appearance, and wore all white before Memorial Day.

Like all royalty, Princess Cambridge's life is full of "but" statements. Like yes she'll have a phenomenal closet, but it'll be full of conservative dresses and cardigans (read: the opposite of North West's closet). I can't wait for the first time she tries to wear jorts and a crop top. Yes she'll always live in stunning real estate (see: Kensington Palace), but she'll also never have any privacy. Fortunately it looks like Prince George took the bullet on early-onset jowels, so hopefully Princess Cambridge will have Kate's jaw line.




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