June 3, 2013
After watching the premiere of Princesses of Long Island we can definitively say that this is the worst thing to happen to Tri-State area JABs since the execution of Julius and Ethel Rosenberg. If you are a Jewish girl from Long Island (Betchography: Long Island anyone?!), you were definitely cringing in your chairs watching the show. Partly because from now on you'll be afraid to tell anyone where you're from and partly because you realize you have to start getting rid of your accent.
The thing that bothers us is that this show doesn't make sense because these 30 year old girls still live at home rendering them huge losers. Their defense is that living with your parents until you're married is a Long Island Jewish thing but sorry…it's not. Clearly you move to Murray Hill.
Let's talk shit about the girls:
Seemingly normal-ish, has trouble opening wine, looks like a less attractive Lake Bell. As the narrator-person Chanel is supposed to be most relatable but with a name like that the only thing I can relate her to is Crazy Cam, the man who tries to sell me fake bags on the way to work.
This girl is so trashy I can't even begin to talk about it. She's incessantly talking about her obviously gay boyfriend who reminds me of a creepier Louis Litt. The way he over compensates for how attracted he is to Amanda in her fugly bikini, combined with how defensive he became when that drunk girl called him a fag, is all the proof we need to conclude he's as straight as my Missoni print scarf.
From requesting the Asian nail man to carry her to the car to crying during the pool party fight because she wasn't getting enough attention to comparing Freeport to the Warsaw ghetto, this girl will definitely be the most entertaining character of the show. She's clearly a joke, but at least the joke knows there's great shit to buy at Singer22.
Erica is supposed to be the cool one but all I see is a washed up girl who peaked in high school. Every day for her is like summer between sophomore and junior year of college which, if you were a sophomore/ junior in college, sounds fucking amazing. But she's 30, single, needs to do a plank or 5, and lives with her parents. And she's throwing parties at her cousin's house. "We're in OLD BROOKVILLE if you have a problem and want to fight then get the fuck out"… chill out Er, it's Old Brookville, not the Roslyn Clock Tower.
The token poor working girl from the South Shore. She Invites the non-Jewish guys to the party because she knows that her girl friends don't have any guy friends since they all moved to Manhattan/ are busy creeping on people on Tinder. But OBVIOUSLY these South Shore meatheads are firemen. She uses the term Lucky Sperm Club because she reads our website and will continue to feel superior to the other girls because she has a job, not realizing that the others would rather kill themselves than work 9-5 anywhere other than on the elliptical in their basements.
Congratuations, Class of 2001. You didn't do it.