December 11, 2013
Since every betch’s fave pastime is #36 not doing work, we are obviously experts in not doing work’s SAB boyfriend: procrastination. I mean, it took me three days to start writing this. It’s not my fault that some ugly bitch from another sorority chose to walk by me wearing a CHRISTMAS SWEATER and at least 4-10 people needed to hear about that shit.
The reason betches procrastinate is because obviously there are so many things we’d rather be doing than a task that’s given to us. It's not like we procrastinate when it comes to shit we want to do, because if we wanted to be doing something, we would be doing it. Final tomorrow? But I need to put this weekend’s pics through four different apps and then force all my besties to tell me which of ten identical filters makes me look tan. Oops, its 5 am.
On the other hand, why should we be FORCED to study for a test we don’t even want to take when we would much prefer discussing important issues like whatever happened to Joseph Kony or where we’re going on New Year's Eve. Like what happened to freedom?
Fortunately the times we live in fuel our procrastination. Constantly checking Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, email, Instagram five more times, online shopping (I have no idea how the fuck they get Malaysian children to sew cutout neon corsets so fast, but there is literally new shit to scroll through on Nasty Gal every single day)...we'll do anything but what we're supposed to be doing. But I mean, is it really our fault with all of these distractions? Omg can someone tell Carly she reallyyyy sucks at insta filtering? Like I’m 100 pics deep in her page and yeah I have a paper due in 30 minutes but maybe I should let her know she has a seeing problem or something. Bitch needs contacts STAT.
For a betch, procrastination isn’t a vice, it’s a skill. As she gets older she'll learn that the longer she waits out and doesn’t do the shit she’s supposed to do, maybe someone else will take care of it or like, it’ll take care of itself. And usually it does. Ohhhh mom I know my apartment is so dirty, I haven’t had the time to clean it I’ve just been so busy with work and everything, I’m soooo stressed….Yeah I know I just got back from a two week vacation….Oh omg a cleaning lady would be amazing you’re the best, love you.
And then sometimes if a betch is super lucky, she'll procrastinate so long that she’ll actually end up just forgetting it. And voila, problem solved.
So betches, next time you have a paper to write, or an excel spreadsheet to fill out (vom), know that trying outfits on for later tonight IS more important, regardless of what your losery overachieving inner voice tells you. Remember, doing shit in advance is for people who don’t have an Adderall prescription. And if you end up failing, well don’t stress over it. The last thing you want to be is a failure with wrinkles.