PROpinion Piece: On Threesomes | Betches

PROpinion Piece: On Threesomes

By The Head Pro


And now, a topic of fun and merriment: Threesomes! Where’s the Betch List entry for those, amirite?

Hi Head Pro,

So this one's kind of a biggie. I've always been kind of sexually attracted to girls - I've never had a crush on one or wanted to be in a relationship with one or anything, so I'm not really concerned about being a full-fledged lesbian, but I love girl-on-girl porn and the idea of hooking up with a girl is really hot. It's started to seem a lot sexier to me in the past year or so and I'm kind of dying to try it.

I'm in a really committed relationship right now, and my boyfriend and I have dirty-talked about the idea of having a threesome (usually drunk...) and he thinks it would be really hot too. I really, really want to try it, but I'm also afraid I will get too jealous. I'm not an exceptionally jealous person by nature, but watching my boyfriend fuck another girl seems pretty risky. I mean, I know we could draw lines about what we could or couldn't do to try and prevent some of this, but even knowing he got off looking at another girl's boobs, when mine are like really small, or something, might get me really jealous. (Or it might not. This is totally unfamiliar territory.) I think cheating would be unforgivable in our relationship, and since this kind of toes that line, I'm afraid it could potentially really destroy things. Or, again, maybe not. My last relationship ended because my boyfriend developed a crush on another girl and it was way too much for me to handle. I was also a lot younger and more emotional then, though.

Even though it's really risky, I'm really, really dying to experiment with another girl. Like I have literally have dreams about it so many nights, and it's kind of driving me crazy. I've been thinking about this really seriously for months and it's like all I fantasize about. I see my boyfriend and I going the distance, we don't really have an expiration date, or fight often at all, so it's not like I can just tell myself I'll try it when this is over. At the same time, our sex life is fantastic so maybe I should just learn to deal.

Do you think a threesome while you're in a relationship is a bad idea? Have you or anyone you've known ever gone for it? I could seriously use some advice.

Sincerely,
Unseasoned scissor-sister

Well then. This is kind of a novel situation in that it’s the girl who’s (kind of) pushing for it, but regardless of the deal terms threesomes are innately murky waters. Let’s review the possible combinations:

- Guy + Girl + Girl: The gold standard configuration, also known as that thing your buddy “totally did, like, all the time when I was bartending down in the Virgin Islands.” I have to imagine this accounts for 99% of all requests on 3nder.

- Girl + Guy + Guy: The devil’s 3-way. Two dicks, one chick. Most likely how you were conceived however many years ago during a misguided spring break down in Tijuana. GENETIC ROULETTE!

- Guy + Guy + Guy: Three gay dudes getting after it in a very efficient way. The guy at the front of the conga line gets the short stick, unless the “lucky pierre” has really long arms. Also known as how Duke lacrosse players like to spend their down time.

- Girl + Girl + Girl: The stuff pubescent boys’ dreams are made of. Also of note because it’s the configuration of the only scene I’ve watched starring “Duke porn star” Belle Knox. Her performance was lackluster.

For guys at least, the three way is orders of magnitude more enticing as a concept than it is an actual thing to do. I mean, yes. If having sex with one woman is fun, having sex with two is probably better. But think of the actual logistics - I only have one penis (bummer, I know), and it can only be in one place at a time. Unless the two ladies involved are well-versed in the triple arts, it’s probably going to end up more like tag-team regular sex than an actual three-way. And what about protection? Condoms aren’t cheap, you know.

The real allure, and the real benefit (other than being able to stick four fingers under your friend’s nose and go “smell this”) is the feeling of power and attraction that comes from it. I mean, TWO chicks wanted to ride your funstick, and they couldn’t even wait to do it individually! I imagine it’s the same for girls who get off on the idea of the devil’s three-way: You’re so irresistible that two people are willing to break multiple social conventions (and possibly laws) to get with you.

The thing with 3-ways in reality, no matter how they’re done, is that the jealousy she mentions will always be lurking around. I’m sure there are some obtusely sex-positive people out there who think threesomes are the only way to have sex, but for the rest of us, it’s hard to get around the fact that knowing (much less watching) our partner is fucking someone else is an unpleasant thought. It kind of goes against the very tenets of relationships and fidelity, in a way. You’re very smart to acknowledge the possibility even though it’s something you very much want to try for yourself. Also, don’t discount the (albeit less likely) notion that your boyfriend might run into the same feelings, even though it’s another chick going to town on you.

Don’t be so quick to brush away the logistical discussions like that. If this were ever to happen without irreparably changing your relationship, that talk has to happen. It’s not unreasonable (and for all I know, not uncommon) to set up boundaries where he keeps his parts to himself. That might result in a decidedly JV 3-way, but what’s more important, that or your relationship? What I would imagine to be even harder is choosing the 3rd person. Do you go with a rando to avoid ever having to see them again, or do you go with someone you trust but would forever remind you of that time? These are all things that must be considered but don’t have easy answers, which is why no one really does threesomes in real life, especially within the confines of a relationship.

With all that said, I think you’re getting wayyyyyy ahead of yourself. Have you ever kissed a girl, or, like touched one’s boobs? It’s one thing to look at and enjoy a certain kind of porn, but I look at all sorts of porn that centers around things I wouldn’t want to actually do. There are many steps between “I’m turned on by the idea of hooking up with a girl” and “full-blown threesome with my boyfriend.” Given that this tryst would be as much for you as it would for him, it would be smart to test shallower waters before diving into something that simply can’t be undone. You need to figure out a way to test it out that satisfies everyone, and it’s a discussion best had (mostly) sober. If you can’t work up the nerve to do that without being shitfaced, then maybe it’s best kept as a fantasy.

Remember, unless you’re young, single and exceptionally uninhibited, threesomes are always better in theory than they are in practice. There’s no shame in wanting to try it, but there’s no shame in admitting that it may be more trouble than it’s worth, or that there are better, less disruptive outlets either. Lust may be a powerful feeling, but regret and resentment last a lot, lot longer.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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