Propinion: Pros and Porn | Betches

Propinion: Pros and Porn

By The Head Pro


Sup, ladies? Let’s take a moment to talk about what’s surely everyone’s favorite topic of conversation with their families: Porn. Specifically, their boyfriends’ enjoyment of porn, why you think it’s Not Okay, and why that’s a stupid, stupid notion.

I was inspired to explore the topic by two coinciding events: First was this post on the ever-provocative Thought Catalog, which you may recognize as the place where good writing goes to die. Then, within the same day, I received an email from a young lady who may as well have been the author of that post. I felt compelled to act because the themes are nearly identical: Upon discovering their boyfriends’ porn interests, both women felt belittled, demeaned and inadequate, and they aren’t going to fucking stand for it anymore.

Coincidentally, I suspect both of these women might be in the market for new, chaste boyfriends (hint hint, fellas).

In an attempt to head off the inevitable wailing and gnashing of teeth in the comments section, let’s get something out of the way: Yes, porn is more easily accessed than ever before. No, it’s not an especially positive thing that it creates the first impression of sex in some young boys. Sure, SOME people fall prey to what’s known as porn addiction or compulsion, which can be crippling. Before you jump up and down screaming AH HA and castrate your significant other, run down this following (non exhaustive) checklist. Does your boyfriend….

- Often favor beating off over sex with you?
- Insist upon doing things in the bedroom that make you uncomfortable, despite your protests?
- Miss out on work or other important events to instead stay home and paint the walls with his dong sputum?
- Look for sex elsewhere to recreate the porn he watches if you won’t?
- Offer unsolicited opinions as to what you should do with your private bits (e.g. hair maintenance, asshole bleaching)?
- Enjoy porn scenarios that can only be created through illegal means, like bestiality or child pornography?

If you answered “yes” to any of those, there’s a chance your boyfriend has a problem with spanking the salami (and in the case of the illegal stuff, the police). If you answered “no” to any of those, then congratulations, as it’s unlikely your boyfriend has a problem with porn. Good. Great, even. Now let’s get back on topic, which is your problem with porn.

I’m not saying you’re wrong, per se, for having insecurities about the effects of pornography. It’s kind of normal if you’re blindsided with it. What IS wrong, though, is the insistence that it’s something you won’t tolerate instead of maybe, I don’t know, talking about it with the person you allegedly love.

Let’s talk about what porn is to men, and what it isn’t. It’s at best a distraction and at worst a fantasy outlet, and nothing more. It has nothing, literally nothing, to do with your sex life or what he wants/expects out of you in the bedroom. They are entirely different entities. He doesn’t expect you to look or act that way, and in fact he probably doesn’t want you to. Look at it this way: He might think the office environment in The Wolf of Wall Street is cool and entertaining, but I doubt he wishes his office was actually like that.

Sometimes, and especially if he's unemployed or works from home, porn is great for relieving boredom. Sometimes you just get the urge and your lady isn't around to take care of things. Our sexual desires don't run on predictable cycles, and our sexual satisfaction isn't some kind of "well" that will get depleted if what you're doing in the bedroom isn't up to snuff. It just doesn't work that way. “Blueballs” are, by and large, a myth.

What bothers me is the way so many girls have this “right” to not only know about their boyfriends’ porn usage, but also the “right” to regulate it. Do you consider consider porn cheating, and you don’t have to defend that belief because it’s your personal belief and who the hell am I to question that? Fuck you, you are wrong. Your belief is wrong. There’s a lot of variability in what people consider cheating, but porn isn’t in that conversation. Watching people diddle around on a computer screen and enjoying it isn’t cheating, so all you’re doing is telling your boyfriend what he can and can’t do with his own body in the privacy of his own home. As women, you ought to understand better than anyone that that’s all kinds of fucked up.

Equally annoying is the snooping that usually results in finding evidence of porn usage. Sure, some guys are idiots and leave their business out there on a commonly used computer. That’s an amateur move, and you’d be justified in telling him not to use it for that purpose. But if you’re for some reason using his personal machine (hopefully with his consent) and you see a porn window? Close the goddamned tab. It’s not like you happened upon a chat window between him and “BiGtItTs_EZholE_88.” Do you go through his phone randomly to check for suspicious activity? You do? Wow, you’re a shitty girlfriend. Don’t do that stuff. Everyone has a right to some privacy, even if you share a dwelling.

Sure, you can hold tight to the position that you won’t tolerate porn watching. Your boyfriend can [ital] also dump you, and monkeys could [ital] fly out of my butt at any moment, if we’re dealing in hypotheticals. It’s not that your boyfriend favors or prefers porn over you, not at all. It’s just that, to see his girlfriend get so riled up over something so insignificant to him is weirdly incongruent. It would be like your boyfriend freaking out over you spending time on RueLaLa or whatever the fuck. It’s just something you do to occupy yourself, so why should he get so upset over it?

Like I said, the email I got was similar to that article I linked. One thing that stuck out to me, though, was this:

“My guy friends say the subject of porn he watches is extreme and they've never looked at anything like that themselves.”

Two things: One, why would you ever, EVER discuss your boyfriends masturbatory habits with other people without his consent, let alone other dudes? How would you like it if he talked to his female friends about the way your hoo ha makes farty noises during sex? You wouldn’t, because that’s some personal shit. To me, this would be grounds for terminating the relationship. Again, not because porn takes precedence, but if she’ll put THAT kind of business of mine out in the open, what’s sacred?

On the subject of, well, subjects, the LW’s boyfriend is into MILF porn and incestuous rapey shit. That is, admittedly, pretty out there. In that sense, I totally get her concerns, but remember that this is entertainment. Watching rape porn doesn’t make a guy a rapist any more than having a “rape fantasy” makes a girl a willing rape victim. Human sexuality as a whole is really, really fucking weird. If all of it’s weird, then none of it is, provided it doesn’t fall into illegal territory. You can make some really depraved incest porn with actors. You can’t make bestiality without someone eventually fucking that donkey.

If, by what I guess shouldn’t be a stretch of the imagination, you STILL take great umbrage at your boyfriend’s occasional dates with his own hand, then don’t confront or berate him over it. That’ll just make him defensive, and all that will lead to is him sneaking porn on his phone while he’s on the shitter, angrily jerking it and thinking about how much he fucking hates all of this right now, himself included.

Instead, talk to him about it. Instead of “why do you look at porn, am I not enough for you,” say “so, just out of curiosity, do you ever watch porn nowadays?” Open a dialogue. Listen to him, and allow him to explain what it represents to him individually. Then you can express how it makes you feel, how you find it demeaning, how it makes you feel inadequate, etc. The key is to make it about porn in general, not his [ital] porn usage. It should come from a place of curiosity, not admonishment. You’ll understand each other a lot better that way.

In the end, if you’re still up in the air about it, ask yourself one question: “Do all parties involved seem satisfied with our sex life?” If the answer is yes, then it’s unlikely you have anything to worry about. Like I said, porn is not necessarily part of our sex lives. Odds are your boyfriend has been whacking it since the day he spouted hair on his willy. If he’s managed to maintain normal, healthy relationships to this point, something tells me he’s going to be alright.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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