Now that the ice of winter is thawing, our hearts are starting to do the same. Kind of. It’s almost wedding season, which means we’re constantly being bombarded with engagement photos and reminders that we need to spend more money on other people instead of ourselves. Ugh, boring. On the one hand, weddings mean a lot of work, which is suboptimal. You have to put in a lot of exhauting hours of online shopping to make sure that you’re not photographed at this wedding wearing the same thing you wore to last week’s wedding, and you will probably have to pretend that you enjoy the company of your friend’s weird, drunk uncle for at least 15 minutes until you can find an excuse to run away to the bar. It’s taxing.
On the other hand, weddings mean open bars and new profile pics, so things aren’t all that bad. If you’re dating someone, going to a wedding means cute pics of you and your SO in formal attire, and at least one awkward drunken conversation about if/when you’ll tie the knot yourselves. If you’re single, weddings open a whole new world of opportunities for you. Do you want to fly solo and see where the unlimited free tequila shots wedding vibes take you? Or do you want to invite a potential future bae and test out his partying abilities? Bringing a date is obviously the safer choice that also guarantees you will get laid, but when is it appropriate to take the risk and go stag? Let’s break down the pros and cons of this very important wedding season decision.
Pro: You Might Actually Meet Someone Chill And Hit It Off
It might sound fun to bring one of your guy friends with you and make him spend $$ on a suit just so you don’t cry about dying alone, but if the groom has hot single friends, you’ll already be taken in their eyes. Starting every convo off with “Oh Frank? we’re not dating, he’s just my backup” isn’t exactly chill. Bringing a date you don’t actually care about may will definitely hurt your chances of meeting a cool bro who you could, potentially, learn to care about. Or at least have a fun one night stand with, which is a lot more fun than explaining to everyone who asks that your “date” isn’t really a “date” and is more of a “gay BFF.” Unless he’s flaming, nobody will believe you anyway.
Con: All The Groomsmen Are Probs Already In Relationships
There’s a good chance most of his friends are already married or close to getting married. Unless your friend is marrying the most responsible one of his group, he’s probably not the first of his bro group to consider committing. Meaning your chances of meeting your soulmate at this wedding are as uncertain as whether or not Beyoncé used a surrogate for Blue Ivy. There is always a chance that you could show up at the wedding alone, spend the wedding dancing alone, and then leave alone, which is probably the most depressing possible way to spend a wedding. Just a thought.
Pro: Nobody Will Tell You That You’ve Had Enough To Drink
Who needs self control at a wedding? Where there’s vodka, there’s a way. Not having a date at a wedding means that you answer to no one, and can do basically whatever the fuck you want without some “more responsible” person side-eying you. Who the fuck needs that?
Con: Eventually Everyone’s Going To Couple Off
You can’t dance to “Twist and Shout” by yourself for the whole party. Even though you’re definitely going to dance to “Twist and Shout”. What a great song. Whether it be the people who already came coupled up or the friends who have been waiting all year for a good excuse like a wedding to finally hook up, you’re probably going to be watching some intense coupling going down from all corners of the reception. Not to mention the whole “celebration of the bride and groom’s eternal love” thing, which can be pretty exhausting for those of us who living that perpetually single life.
Pro: You Don’t Have To Match Your Outfit To Anyone
Basically, you can wear whatever color looks good on you. No need to spend hours trying to teach your guy friend the difference between cerulean and azure, or making sure that he got a real suit and not some Men’s Warehouse bullshit. You can just focus on you, and making yourself look fly AF. Something that you probably know how to do pretty well by now.
Con: The Photobooth Is Not As Fun When You’re By Yourself
Damn. Is there anything sadder than a single person taking “fun” photobooth pictures alone? I’m honestly crying just thinking about it. Having nobody to pose next to is probably one of the biggest downsides of not having a date. Who wants to ask someone to take cute pictures of them standing next to their place settings alone? On the bright side, maybe the ring bearer will take a pic with you. Or maybe the bartender will take pity on you and make your drinks super strong.
Pro: You Can Stay As Late As You Want Or Leave As Early As You Want
If you want to Irish Exit, you can ghost TF out of the wedding. If you want to stay and shut down the night, you don’t have to worry about someone else’s 6am call the next day with Tokyo. Going alone to a wedding means that that wedding is officialy all about you. Oh, and the bride. Her too.
Con: You’ll Probably Find Yourself Wondering “What Did I Do Wrong?”
At some point between seeing your friend walk down the aisle (or if your friend is the groom, watching him stand at the altar) and the priest saying “you may now kiss the bride,” this is bound to cross your mind. Look, weddings are emotional. You’re going to get emotional. As you watch that white train glide down the aisle, you’re going to flashback to your failed relationships and wonder what could have been. Should you have just married Brian from the second grade? He’s a lawyer now. You could be married to a lawyer. Fuck.
Pro: You’ll Remember How Happy You Are That You Didn’t Stay In That Shitty Relationship
You’ve managed to date and dump multiple men without ever making the mistake of legally binding yourself to them and now you can thank the universe you’re single. As you watch your friends commit for life, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief that you didn’t commit to that ex who froze his jeans because he didn’t want to wash them. And even when the two of them are up on the alter being all in love and shit, you’ll comfort yourself in the knowledge that she drunkenly told you the sex was “meh” at the bachelorette. Ah, isn’t it great to be single and not dating a fuckboy? The world is your oyster.
Con: What If You Run Into Your Ex Or A Guy You’ve Previously Hooked Up With
If your friend circle is wide, there’s a decent chance you’ll see someone that’s been inside you at this wedding. And seriously, is there anything worse than stuffing your face at an oyster bar only to turn around and be face to face with your college ex and the Instagram model he’s dating now? At that point you’ll probably wish you brought a date, even if it was just your gay best friend.
Pro: You Don’t Have To Bring Some Hookup Who Your Friends Haven’t Met
Sure, Chad buys you iced coffees and bagels every few weeks or so, but if he’s not your boyfriend, you’re both going to have to answer a lot of dumb questions. Like “when’s it your turn” or “why is Chad flirting with that bridesmaid?” Better not risk having to see him in a suit and developing feelings that aren’t there. Leave your questionable hookups where they belong…at 3am as a last resort.
Con: You’re Going To Spend A Lot Of Money On Your Outfit And Hair
If you’re going to shell out hundreds of dollars at TopShop and Drybar, you will at least want a source of constant attention to make it worth it. Sure, the bride is always the most beautiful woman at the wedding, but the point of having a date is having someone to lean over during the ceremony and tell you that you look better. Every self respecting wedding guest needs someone to give you attention while everyone else is giving the bride attention. It’s honestly the only way anyone could make it through.
Conclusion:
Going stag to a wedding has a lot of potential benefits, but you should only do so if you know for sure your other friends are doing it too, and there are hot single groomsmen. Otherwise, you’re just a loser.
