March 25, 2014
When it comes to Spring Break in the age of 2014, there’s one destination that puts all other Mexican cities to shame. Puerto Vallarta, more affectionately known as PV.
A college betch heads to PV in order to party, tan, and roll and if there’s one thing more varied than her drug selection it will be her large array of crop tops she’ll be ready to wear after two plus months dieting for the vaca of a lifetime. If she’s not staying in the condos or villas, a betch will stay at Vamar Vallarta, the home base for betches in big 10 and SUNY schools alike (though there might be a big divide between those who are and are not 'ratchet'.
After getting coffee at the The Coffee Cup at the Marina and having a mini meltdown upon discovering her phone and Tory Burch sandals were stolen and are now available at retail price on ebay, a betch heads to the pool or takes a 45 minute trek to the villas. By 11 am the dance parties start she’ll be dancing by the pool to Boy Oh Boy, Turn Down For What, or Beyonce’s Partition. If you’re an outgoing betch or merely fully stocked on a year’s supply of Xanax from the farmacia you might participate in the booty-shaking contest after a few too many tequila sunrises...heavy on the tequila, light on the sunrise.
At the pool try and flag down one of two bartenders by yelling "Francisco" and/or "Marcos" for about 30 minutes until you get his attention. Be sure to order 10 tequila shots at a time so as to be like, efficient and shit. The bartender will then pour tequilla down a line of open throats like he’s a fucking mother bird. Be sure to get there when the open bar starts at 11 and people attack like vultures. If you do manage to get the bartenders attention order an Adios Motherfucker for a good time. If you have to drink beer, the only acceptable way to do it is through a funnel. Make sure you go skinny dipping at least once.
When not partying a betch can head down to the beach for a $5 state of the art henna tattoo haggled down from $20. While there, try and avoid the Mexicans on the beach who are more than happy to sell you cocaine, weed, and crack pipes. You know, if that’s your kind of thing...
For dinner go to Chappy’s Sports bar and splurge on a quesadilla. The only edible food at the hotel are omelets so you won’t have to worry about eating because the line will be too long for you to give a shit anyway. As an alternative feel free to gorge yourself on watery guac. Most betches will just wait until they’re drunk and eat at the shitty pizza/burrito place.
Be sure to store your Bonafont and Ciel waters in your hotel kitchen, which conveniently has no fridge but amazing shower pressure. These bottled waters are the closest thing any Americans will find to Mexican gold in the land of PV.
For the jappiest Italian restaurant in PV head to Porto Bello or walk to Mikado for Hibachi at the Marriott. For pre club drinks go to the cool light house bar or Senor Frogs if you’re looking to go big.
Head to the club and bathe in the confetti/smoke while rolling on ecstasy that will make you throw up in colors not seen in nature. Stay away from the red pills unless you want your stomach cut open in a Mexican hospital where no one knows who your dad is. The hotel staff will be happy to accommodate your drug problem and do coke with you while informing you on important guest services information like ‘where’s the lobby bathroom?’ And ‘should I take the blue or the green ecstasy pills?’ This will ensure enjoyment as you bring out your classiest self while grinding to ‘Put Your Panties to the Side”.
La Santa is the best club and it has an indoor pool. If you pay the staff enough they'll let you go swimming and give you a bottle with the rare quality of not being watered down to the point where you might as well have ordered a water with lime. Enjoy the lights, good music, and dry ice and we all know there’s no better way to start spring break than watching your friend run through a glass door.
Whatever you do make sure you're at someone's table or be stuck with the locals on the main dance floor. It's not a good look. Other things to avoid include fucking the DJ. It doesn't make you cool and and will probably get you an uncomfortable trip to the gynecologist upon return to America.
So betches, if you’re headed to Spring Break to PV be prepared for a Spring Break to remember. Sure you’ll definitely return with pink eye, strep, or some sort of disgusting cough, but after consuming about 20,000 calories in Mexican alcohol this will be just the push you need to kick start your summer diet.