A Definitive Ranking Of The Victoria's Secret Models | Betches

A Definitive Ranking Of The Victoria's Secret Models

By The Head Pro

Head Pro is nicer to real people than he is to famous people, so send your questions for him to [email protected]. The VS Fashion show is about the only time he tweets all year, and you'll want to follow his drunken tweetstorm during the show at @betchesheadpro.


Did you know that losing weight is hard, even for models? And that models are regular people just like you and me, only prettier? Of course you did, because it's time once again for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, which will be indistinguishable from last year's, and the one next year, and the one after that. We get it, Candice, you grew up on a fucking farm. I hope you're all as psyched for montages of models pretending to be friends, interspersed with shots of them doing "workouts" with 2 lb hand weights, as I am.

In fact, the only thing that changes year to year (and even then only slightly) are the models themselves. And if I'm reading this web log's demographic correctly, what's needed here more than anything is a straight, white male's subjective objectification of the women both brave and beautiful enough to stomp down a runway in their underwear without getting skeeved out by The Weeknd. What follows is a complete and correct ranking of the VS models, based on my own undisclosed criterion.

Bella Hadid
Can we stop trying to make Bella Hadid happen? Because she's not going to happen. Bella Hadid shouldn't walk amongst the real VS models for the same reasons I don't play basketball with LeBron James or go to the beach with Zac Efron. If you want to be a big fish, you have to know how to choose your pond.
 
And you know what? I don't even think she wants to be here, either. She's already been all over the press complaining about the insane weight loss. And watching her video from the LOVE Magazine advent calendar, I don't think I've ever seen someone look so bored with trying to be sexy. Just let her go back to being a rich nobody, like she wants.



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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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