Read this Crazy Email from an Emory Fraternity's Apparel Chair

By The Betches

Here's the email. I don't know what fraternity this is, but I hope it's the gay one.

Boys I hope you all had a fantastic break filled with family, friends, and a lack of worry. As you being your long or short trip back to campus I hope you take the time to read this.

Spelling errors happen, let's move on.

You are poorly dressed.

I'm glad that is off my chest. Now as your apparel chair I realize this is a reflection of my poor performance, so, in order to combat this I have decided to begin a weekly fashion column for you choice men. You lucky bastards.

Now I just have to get this off MY chest. I can't believe your frat has a fucking apparel chair, let alone one who is willing take valuable time away from his binge drinking to write this email or go beyond his duty to design cleverly misogynistic lax pinnies for parties. 

Anyways this column will include what is "hot stock" for the season, one designer you should definitely emulate, and more importantly, what NOT to wear. This should set you all on the correct path to being a frat fashionista, but in some of the more severe cases (I'm looking at you Liz) my door is always open to one-on-one advising. Before this e-mail gets any longer I'll start the column.

Who the fuck is Liz? Please stop using the word fashionista in a not ironic way. When are your office hours for fashion tips? 

Fall 2013:

What is in this season? Glad you asked.

No one asked.

Earthy Tones: Can't go wrong with mama earth's natural beauty, or even plaid (Blake you are in luck). Extra points if you can incorporate Burgundy.

You know what else is burgundy? The color of your periods.

Cuffed Paints: whether blue denims or brown oxfords, roll 'em up boys. These will pair amazingly with that pair of high top sneakers you've wanted to hit mags with.

Statement Scarves: I know this one is a stretch for most of you that aren't Aris, but statement scarves can make your ensemble heat up as the temperatures drop.

"Statement scarves can make your ensemble heat up as your temperatures drop" - said no straight male, ever.

Designer you want to be looking like:

Japanese label, Talking About The Abstraction, just released their Spring/Summer lookbook, and boys, THIS IS HUGE. Start putting the spare change in the piggy bank if you want to look like a high roller. Link below, but remember, I am not liable for your computer's water damage when you begin to drool over the keyboard.

This link took me to a porn site. Just because the writer of this email wants to remind you that he is STRAIGHT. 

Try Again, Bro:

The final part of this column, and the most important, is what not to wear. One in particular has been bugging me so I'll just come out with it, dress pants need to be hemmed. When you are sporting formal wear the most important thing is not threadcount (sorry Jaffe), but FIT! So find a local tailor and clean it up. This message holds true even if you are going to a date party with that cute Theta or headed to that interview with Bain. But I am all about being constructive with my advice, so I'll give you an option to up your formal wear game...

I disagree, threadcount does matter. I hope Bain hires none of you. Actually I hope they hire the writer of this email, and hopefully a trend of fucked up consulting listserv emails can become a thing. 

Look sharp and keep the bank unbroken by putting on this J Crew Ludlow Suit


Thanks for your time bros, I hope you take all of this to heart and make a concerted effort to look good, it'll go a long way, trust me.

Love & Respect,
Your Fratshionistau

Thanks for the advice, fratshionistau. Betches, if you go to Emory, I hope you spill your cranberry juice all over anything they own that's brown. Because red+brown = burgundy

Source: Business Insider




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