Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: I've Got the Magic in Me

By The Betches

Last night's episode of RHOBH proved that the scriptwriters are so out of plot lines that they're resorting to magic hexes and witchcraft to get ratings. I guess the only thing that can save this show is Winifred Sanderson and magic crystals. Also, pole dancing needs to get less screen time. There are maybe like five straight men watching this. Then again, if the only thing these women can do is watercolor at Yolanda's makeshift Fun Craft I guess I see the need for all the naked circus freaks at Carlton's Eyes Wide Shut themed soirée. 


I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and my child acting career is definitely fake.

Kyle walks into the party wearing a caftan then offends Carlton by asking if her weird ass satanic tattoo is a star of David. Then she feels bad so she gives Carlton some blue necklace she's currently wearing. These are all super normal friendship dynamics. But really, just last week you were paying someone to make you a Shabbat dinner and here you're confusing a witchcraft symbol for the star of David? Kyle has the cultural awareness of an ant.

I feel bad for the hairstylist who has to pretend to give a shit about Kyle’s former acting career. “Acting is part of who I am," thought no one about Kyle's acting career besides Kyle, ever. This episode might as well be renamed ‘Kyle talks to hairdressers about her acting career, they DGAF'.

“I did a movie called the Hungover games and now I’m doing Days of Our Lives.” Yeah so OBVIOUSLY that means you can act.

Kyle is the Joey Tribbiani of RHOBH.

Kyle on random old ass soap actor “She’s been kidnapped more times than I can remember, she’s been thrown from a building, she’s been poisoned. That’s a survivor.” I’d love to see Kyle say that to like a real Holocaust survivor.


Don't tell me you're my friend, paint me a fucking portrait.

"I saw a Guess billboard with Gigi on it and I started crying." #Yolandaproblems

"Gigi is leaving soon, so I'm taking an opportunity to reevaluate my friendships." How are these two things related?

Gigi's at school so now her second favorite daughter gets to make lemon cleanses with Yolanda. Ugh this painting shit for Gigi plot is boring as fuck... I'm sure Gigi wants to hang up a collage of hearts painted with love by a bunch of feuding housewives. 

“Lisa I told all of you I’m going to have a party. It’s been on the bravo production schedule for weeks!

“Do you want some guacamole my love?” 


Everybody loves a comeback story. The Hollywood Collector's event is mine.

Kim, who exactly are your fans? My fans are different because they’re fucking obscure losers longtime fans of my shows. Kim just keeps listing where her fans are from and no one has ever heard of any of the shows she’s talking about.

I like how she’s signing on a headshot from 40 years ago.

Kim and Jimmy McNichol are flirting and it seems like they’re both equally high maybe they’d make a good couple. Jimmy McNichol who is like a real life Billy Christianson was supposedly just like the Jonas Brothers 30 years ago, according to insanely delusional Kim. THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM HIS WIKIPEDIA: "He got his start at the age of 7, acting in a Band-Aid commercial. He then landed minor roles in shows such as S.W.A.T. and Little House on the Prairie."

Kim then shares her touching story about her meet-cute with Jimmy.

Dear Diary,

Jimmy walked by and said ‘rawr’ like a lion. I LOVE TURTLES!!



Kim's fans belong on TLC. Some freak gives Kim her great grandmother’s turtle pin. Next episode $50 says Kim hires a trainer for her turtle pin.


Life is a sexy little dance and Ken isn’t getting any of it.

"After 30 years nothing’s dripping down Ken’s stomach. That’s disgusting.”


In my world money doesn't talk it has sex in my pool.

Carlton has the good sense to send her kids away for her sex pool party that they can never see ...unless they turn on Bravo at any point in the next two years or have internet connection.

This party sounds like its going to be some raging cult orgy originally but it turns out to be just like any normal Adrienne Maloof shoe party thrown by Bravo.

Fatburger should consider changing the name to SelloutBurger.

Do you really think Kyle is that calculated? She is Jewish and thought your 5 point star was a Jewish star…. clearly she’s just stupid.

Carlton is like a big bag of gross. Stop with the eating out signs. YOU’RE A MOM.

Carlton shows up to Yolanda’s directly from the pool party and she’s hungover. “Crystals calm you down.” - So Carlton thinks she's Spencer Pratt now?

“I had a dream that Kyle was talking shit about my religion."  Are you serious you're accusing Kyle of talking shit about your religion because of a fucking DREAM you had? Like sure she probably is but no need to let people know how you figured it out. Are there really no plot lines left that the drama is based on Carlton’s dreams? This is like that episode of friends when Phoebe is mad at Ross and she can’t remember why and it was because of something she dreamed.


You can never be too young too thin or too hexed. 

Joyce: I was working the other day until so long
Kyle: You work?

Carlton puts a spell on Joyce then her husband gets sick. So wouldn't she really have put a spell on her husband? 



In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall on your broken hand.

One second she's making it like her hand is NBD, the next she's saying how great a friend she is to Yolanda for coming to Malibu with a broken hand.

Yolanda: I've been cooking all day for everyone to come over but no one came
David: The hottest four came. - No way Lisa's gonna let that one slide. 

“I think Carlton put a hex on Joyce, fingers crossed!”




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