Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Million Dollar Brandi

By The Betches

Last night’s episode of RHOBH was so boring that I literally passed out in the middle of Brandi’s book reading…so that must’ve been fun to have actually attended in real time. But anyway, the theme of last night’s episode was self-defense and daddy issues, which would be great if this were the Real Housewives of Detroit. Sadly, physical trauma replaced emotional trauma in an episode that was so dull and painful that I wished I were the one being suffocated by Yolanda’s terrorizing Swedish man hands.


"In my world money doesn't talk it hires strippers for a totally inappropriate party I’m going to have."

Carlton looks like she just escaped an easy bake oven. Between her deep tan and her excessive pigtail hair style someone’s going to have to have an intervention.

But really, where did Carlton find these lesbians friends?

Carlton claims to hate violence and yet she has no less than 3 stories about beating the shit out of someone this season. Fucking Quaker over there.


"In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall into writing about anal sex."

Brandi on Chica: I want my pink dog back!

“The best way to relieve my kids worries about Chica is to get a new dog right away.” That’s the exact mentality your ex-husband had about you!

Brandi thinks Yolanda, who spends $5,000 on flowers a month is more relatable than Lisa so she brings her to Sacramento to seduce her father with her boobs and large pile of CDs.

Now we know Brandi’s issues with men are really just daddy issues as it seems clear to everyone watching that her dad fucking hates her. Seriously, Guy Glanville is such a rude bitch to her that he should really replace Kim next season as the next Housewife.

Brandi: I love you
Guy: I know you do.

Brandi: When my house got broken into i didn’t know who to call.
Guy: I’m glad I came. I came for your mom.

My dads mad at me because I wrote he was a drug dealer in my book when really he was just a marijuana grower.”

Finally we get a scholastic reading of Drinking and Tweeting where Brandi excuses her nieces so she can talk about her mother’s diligent anal sex lessons to her extended family and the rest of her hometown. "I went back to read my book to remember what the ghost writer wrote for me I had written.”


"Life is a sexy little dance and I’m Hilary Swank in a sports bra."

You think that Lisa is going to comfort Brandi when she starts crying but instead she just goes and gets herself a tissue. But really, is this “mothering Brandi’ drama really the best Bravo could do?


"You can never be too young too thin or too fucking annoying."

The less Joyce gets bullied the more annoying she is.

Joyce is snorting while so carelessly pointing the gun at the old fat bald guy. Now I get the where the bullying Joyce-horse joke came from. 

Is Joyce serious with this home invasion defensive fighting shit? I’m sure any of them are going to take on a burglar besides Yolanda who apparently is a closet fucking Viking.

Joyce’s “I Love Life” shirt is pretty ridiculous and hysterical given that in her last scene she was in a SHOOTING RANGE.


I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and my devotion to Judaism is definitely fake.

“Shabbat is about just being here in my home with my family and my personal chef.”

“Having my daughter have a bat mitzvah is something that’s really important to me and to the Bravo script writing crew.”

“I know Brandi's had a hard month with a lot of issues in her life, but I felt bad for her so I got her a card calling her a real life bitch.”

Kyle is basically the most bored housewife looking for people to hang out with her. To Lisa: “Can you like just not say you have to go to work?”


"Don't tell me you're my friend, let me try and seduce your father while your mother watches and I’ll know we’re close."

Seriously though. You’re on TV. Wash your hair.

“No matter how much a child disappoints you at the end of the day you’re proud of them.” FALSE

Yolanda seemed like she had a lot of aggression to get out this episode. Perhaps David is spend a little too much time with his piano?


"Everybody loves a comeback story but apparently this season I have no story."




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