March 4, 2014
Last night’s RHOBH was quite possibly the most boring episode of any show I’ve ever seen in my life. Lisa officially can’t sit with anyone but Carlton, resulting in less drama and everyone having a good time, which of course translated to a snooze fest for the rest of America. For some reason the producers thought we would actually give a shit about Kim and Yolanda’s daughters being dropped off at ‘college’ so we had to spend about 45 minutes watching middle aged blonde women cry which is somehow even more boring than it sounds.
Finally, I know this is a little late in the season to be discussing this, but they keep getting rid of all the Americans on this show and slowly adding more and more foreigners. I guess America even has to import housewives now. The series isn’t even over but RHOBH already looks like the fucking United Nations minus like, attempting to keep the peace and shit.
I'm from this town. I know what's real and my fear of iguanas is definitely real.
Kyle’s on the hunt for an apology for Lisa putting a magazine in a suitcase. This series has riveting mysteries on par with Law & Order: SVU.
Mauricio feels #betrayed. He can’t fathom how someone on a Real Housewives could possibly talk shit about someone behind their back.
Kyle says she doesn’t like creatures with long nails to justify her fear of iguanas although her friendship circle is made up of the exact same identifiers.
Ugh the only thing worse than Monday night is spending Monday night having to watch a 5 year old get her fucking ears pierced. To make matters worse, Alexia is being a little pussy and is having a breakdown as if they’re going to cut off her leg or take away her Mercedes.
Don't tell me you're my friend, become dedicated to your modeling career and you will earn my love.
Yolanda is spending an awful lot of time in Puerto Rico for someone whose favorite daughter is leaving in 8 days.
She’s going to be the first person in your family to graduate high school? Really? THE FIRST!? “When I was 17 I ended up in New York with no money, no cell phone, and $50.” Okay chill out Madonna no one had a cell phones in 1978.
Gigi is thinking like MOM GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY STOP HANGING UP YOUR FRIENDS FUGLY FINGER PAINTINGS.
Gigi: I can’t wait to be alone in my enormous probably 10K a month apartment.
OMG CAN YOLANDA JUST LEAVE I’M SO BORED OF WATCHING YOU SAY GOODBYE TO GIGI.
Yolanda's in tears because she forgot to tell Gigi that her manicures are tax deductible.
Are they going to drive this limo around in circles until Yolanda cries like in the Bachelor?
Everybody loves a comeback story BUT LITTLE KIM’S NEVER COMING BACK!
Obviously Kim loves the iguanas. “I LOVE THEM! I LOVE THEM!” I wonder how many times this woman has contracted rabies.
“She’s packing for college so I’m obviously excited because my passion is moving.”
Kim thinks she’s being helpful by getting her daughter holy candles and glow sticks for college. None of this will be helpful when she’s knocked up because Kim forgot to pack condoms.
OMG KIM'S EX IS SO HOT. I can’t believe she went from that to Shrek.
Kim’s love of moving is taking full form now she’s like a
drug addict in a meth lab kid in a candy store with these boxes.
Kim is going to be like waiting in little Kim’s dorm when she gets back from parties if I were her I’d deadbolt that shit.
Little Kim is prob watching this episode so pissed that she has to live in the real dorm with the fugly carpeting while Gigi is in her 5,000 square foot New York dream apartment.
Kim's so nuts she thinks if she like just washes the sheets really well her daughter won't grow up.
Life is a sexy little dance and I’m outie.
Sort of hypocritical for Ken and Lisa to bounce when Lisa called Adrienne a coward for not showing up to last year’s reunion.
“I don’t want to cry
because my face isn’t supposed to move.”
Since when is the Chamber of Commerce event like, mandatory? “We’ve got to go. we need to support Beverly Hills and all the underprivileged families that need our help making sure overgrown grass gets cut in the povo homes.”
In my world money doesn't talk it complains about Kyle.
“This is what I can’t stand about insecure women. They say that they’re girls’ girls and they’re not.” You have no friends, Carlton.
"You couldn't have had the magazine because I would've seen it." – Obviously the witch thinks if you've never seen something it can’t possibly have existed.
You can never be too young too thin or too into Puerto Rico.
It’s hard to take Joyce’s husband seriously when he sounds like an Austin Powers villain.
History lessons by Joyce…Christopher Columbus discovered Puerto Rico. That’s it.
In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the more money you can make to get your parents a Honda Civic so they’ll love you.
On the Puerto Rican instagram inspired fountain pic incident. “You’re not really friends until you’ve committed your first crime together.” Okay Tony Soprano.
Why is Brandi showing her parents Yolanda’s house?
David Foster: OMG BRANDI that was so funny when you played three notes on the piano while I was working!!! ::cut to Brandi being blacklisted from all musical events in Hollywood::
“I know how down to earth David and Yolanda are so my dad will feel comfortable.” - Yolanda lives in a 25 million dollar house with a transparent fridge.
Why is Brandi wearing that whorey shirt to lunch with her parents?
Brandi bought her dad a Honda? If I were him I’d be like, "this is so not the level of success I had hoped for you.”
Yolanda’s looking at this car thinking “Ew can you get that Honda out of my driveway before someone thinks it belongs to a member of my family.”
That car was probably cheaper than a taxi ride home in Beverly Hills.
Only in Brandi’s world is it socially acceptable to get an ulcer from the stress of fake fighting with your friend.