Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: You're a Mean Girl Lisa, You're a Bitch!

By The Betches

Last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was the middle aged, botoxed reincarnation of Mean Girls. Lisa proved that she was fabulous but evil (I hear she does magazine cover shoots in Japan)/ Brandi decided she needed to take down Lisa's army of skanks after she called her out on trying to make getting totally wasted and insulting everyone at the table happen (it’s not going to happen). But really the only way RHOBH can be saved from the more entertaining Vanderpump Rules would be if the rest of the season involved Brandi putting foot cream in Lisa’s face lotion and calling her out for hooking up with Jax in the projection room above Sur.


I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and my new friendship with Brandi is fake.

I would rather read the email uninviting you to Carlton’s party than watch this episode.

Mauricio's words say “I would never go to that party without you” but his face says “like shit I really wanted to go to that party.

So Brandi makes her rounds convincing everyone that Lisa is a manipulative biotch and Kyle is thrilled she’s like FINALLY SOMEONE ELSE SEES WHAT I’VE BEEN SEEING ALL ALONG!


Don't tell me you're my friend, come to my party where we paint pictures for my daughter’s dorm room and I’ll know you are.

The kids are embarrassed by the size of Mohammed's house but not that their mother spends her days making lemon cleanses and goes on national TV to give their stepdad a book of naked pictures of herself?

Mohammed’s fiancé legit looks like she could be his granddaughter.

So Mohammad has agreed to host his daughter’s going away party at his house after hosting his ex-wife’s new husband’s daughter’s wedding weeks before. This divorce is too happy to function.

I'm sure Gigi wants to eat Arabic food for her graduation party like that was her number 1 request. MUST. HAVE. ARABIC. FOOD.

On her anger that Lisa didn’t attend her makeshift funcraft in honor of Gigi: “My daughter’s painting party was important to me.” - Why the fuck would Lisa (or anyone else for that matter) find your daughter’s painting for when she goes away to college to decorate her room to be of importance?

Ugh can you stop blaming your lack of knowledge that Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence on your Lyme Disease?

“I can't believe Lisa would arrange her husband’s party on a day there's a wedding she wasn't invited to.”

Why is the citizenship test suddenly necessary just because Bravo decided they needed something to film? I feel like Lisa would never go through the time to take this citizenship test. American citizenship is like the Facebook of RHOBH. The people who are actually the coolest don’t have it.

"To finally become an American citizen is really like I'm coming home." Actually it’s kind of like the exact opposite.


Everybody loves a comeback story and that’s why I keep showing up to these parties and acting like a weirdo.

Kim shows up to Carlton’s party just in time to embarrass herself in front of Lisa. “I was in WiscAWNsin.” Kim is so used to missing shit because of her drug addiction that she starts frantically searching her bag to find her plane ticket stub to prove that she was actually away. I guess now she’s on crack.

Kim’s English accent is about as good as Joey Tribbiani’s French.

Watching these flashbacks really makes me miss the old days of RHOBH:  “I will fucking kill you,” "YOU’RE A SLUT PIG"


Life is a sexy little dance and my housekeeper will keep you stocked up on tea for it.

Lisa and Ken obviously cut the line at Carlton’s husband’s party. I guess that’s easier to do with a camera crew behind you.

Lisa’s idea of the ideal conflict resolution: “I just wish the other women could see Carlton crying.

“It’s nice to be on the cover of a magazine.” 

STOP BEING SO RUDE TO ROCIO BITCH she’ll get you your tea when she damn pleases.

Stassi, I trust you but not that much.”


In my world money doesn't talk it claims to have fought against apartheid.

David looks like a seedy used car salesman.

"David and his family own a multi million dollar financial institution which he runs with his brothers and yes, we have a shit ton of money.”  - Things people who are classy about their money say.

Carlton makes it out like she’s Nelson Mandela. “I had African friends!” She’s like Ja’mie King.

"I mean, I was a white person during apartheid. I don't understand how someone can call me anti Semitic." What does apartheid have to do with the Jews, Carlton? Ah, the witch cries! “A lot of the clients are Jewish. YOU COULD DESTROY THE BUSINESS!” – Well good to know where your priorities are at.


You can never be too young too thin or too enthusiastic about EVERYTHING.

Joyce is like Gloria in Modern Family with a better accent yet somehow way more annoying.

OMG I'm so skinny OMG I hate exercise OMG I'm miss Puerto Rico OMG.


In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall from Lisa’s good graces.

Brandi gave an especially large blowjob last night and now has another physical injury to add to her inevitable breakdown.

“I Googled it. She’s worse than Bobby Fischer.”  - This may be the greatest line of the season.

Brandi, you felt like you were special because some old bitch liked her and then didn’t? What is this? Flowers in the Attic?

Seriously you're airing your problems with Lisa to Kim? She’s totally the ultimate life guru. “She’s an evil dictator she ruined my life!”  Maybe if you're so afraid of Lisa hating you, you shouldn't go around talking shit to everyone about her.




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