Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Your Dog Days Are Over

By The Betches

Last night's episode of 45+ Year old Women Who Say Shit They Shouldn't RHOBH was dec at best. Yolanda managed to throw a dinner party with enough floral arrangements to defuse the tensions, Kim's dog got sent to dog rehab, and people who have no heart got one next to their names on the dinner party place setting cards thanks to whoever Bravo had filling them out. 


I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake and this search for Brandi's definitely dead dog is fake.

Even Portia knows looking for this dog is bullshit. 


Don't tell me you're my friend, bring me flowers instead.

"I love giving dinner parties. It adds to my spirit and makes me happy." These are DINNER PARTIES Yolanda and during them one of your friends usually get drunk and makes someone cry.

Yolanda was raised in the country just like, yodeling and picking flowers. 

"I don't want to sound obnoxious but I can spend $1,000 on flowers and orchids." This is the same woman who called high school prom pictures extravagent and obnoxious. 

Yeah that was the the issue with Palm Springs Yolanda: not enough floral centerpieces. 

"Doing a dinner party isn't just about calling a caterer and a florist and having them do the party." Yeah, for most people a dinner party is about COOKING THE DINNER YOURSELF FREAK.

Do Yolanda and David Foster do anything else besides toast to each other? 


Everybody loves a comeback story but Brandi's dog isn't coming back :(

Ugh the dog again. Kim you need to get rid of that thing before it eats you.

"Kingsley is my best friend." The guy's like, shut the fuck up that's ridic. 

Kingsley is going to go on a retreat and come back a better dog. It's sort of like going to rehab except IT'S A FUCKING DOG. 

"The Tenors reach out and grab your soul." :: queue weird fucking hand motionsthat look way more like an alien probe into your heart than a melodic melody:::


Life is a sexy little dance or so say the Gays.

I love Ken in his little construction worker hat like he's actually going to do something. 


In my world money doesn't talk it has dangerous, frightening devil sex. 

"I want a room in the house where I can lock the door and have no inhibitions whatsoever. Some call it the chokey I call it the playroom."

Ugh Carlton so wants to have a three way with her son's nanny this is gross. 

"David knows I have something brewing but he doesn't know that I've designated and entire room in the house where my children live in order to tie him up and perform sexual spells on him." 


You can never be too young too thin or too into referring to your baby faced husband as a baby.

"Whatever Brandi says at least I will be with my baby. My baby is there." The constant referral to your husband as your baby to strangers is fucking weird.


In Beverly Hills the higher you climb the farther you fall into the mouths of coyotes, you social climbing Chihuahua!

OMG i love this ridiculous dog hunt with the flyers like her fucking child is gone. 

If you told the kids their dog is gone why don't you just get another fucking dog and replace it. It's a dog. If you want to protect your sons stop getting drunk and talking about how you like to be strangled during sex on national television. I think that might be slightly more damaging. 

I took the high road and told the boys that Tamera lost the dogs. 

"I'm a little pessimistic when it comes to loss becaue, ya know I'm divorced, so I've actually already picked out the Chanel shoebox where we can put Chica's coyote eaten bod once we find her."

As if you needed the sick kids excuse to take your clothes off.

"If there's someone younger pretty hotter it always has to be about Joyce." When did Joyce say anything remotely indicating that you evil bullying bitch!? 




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