Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Is The Mafia Going To Kill Me If I Keep Writing These?

By Lisa Vanderbetch

Welcome back to another week of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Idk how I’m supposed to get through this shit because, tbh, I’m still a little drunk from Labor Day festivities. Sorry I have a life. Fucking sue me. But if there’s anything that’ll sober me up, it’s an episode of RHONJ amiright?

Everyone is home from the “spa” weekend so Jacqueline is recapping the whole thing to Chris and Ashlee. Yawn. Ashlee still isn’t buying the whole Zen Teresa thing, which I can agree with. You don’t just flip a table then go to prison and come back calm. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands.

they just don't

Siggy goes over to Dolores’ house because D’s dog actually died. This shit kills me. I’m sobbing rn. I feel like my therapist would have a heyday with me if she knew how much more I care about animals than I do people. Add it to the list of my issues I guess.

At Melissa’s store, she and business partner Jackie are having some problems, which I predicted in case you forgot. Jackie thinks the store needs a little more diversity so it isn’t just filled with the trashy shit Melissa likes to wear because she’s a size zero and the average American woman is a size 14. And Melissa isn’t having it.

Melissa: We only carry sizes 1, 3 and 5. You could try Sears.

you could try sears

At Teresa’s house, Tre is talking to Gia about her book party that she literally gives zero fucks about. Also, their dog has like, a pink mohawk or something? Idk. It’s tacky af. It seems like that’s a form of animal torture but that’s none of my business. Joe Giudice comes in, insults said ugly dog, and Gia is like you get no say in this. You’re going to prison in like a month. WHOA that’s harsh and mean and horrible. That’s your dad, you little shit. These kids need some Southern parenting stat.

Speaking of terrible kids, Siggy goes and picks up her son from school. He wants to drive home and based on what I know about these kids so far, I wouldn’t give them the keys to a car if Beyoncé’s life depended on it. He goes on a tear about how much of a man he is. LOL. If the sentence before “I’m a man” is “I have my learner’s permit let me drive” you’re not actually a man. Just sayin.

At Teresa’s, Joe is being a real dick. Shocker. They’re fighting over whether or not Tre can survive without him. Well she wouldn’t have gone to prison if it weren’t for you so? Something tells me she’ll be fine. Joe tells her her can’t wait to “go away” and he’s only gonna miss his kids. What a piece of shit. I bet you’ll miss her when you’re someone’s bitch on the jail yard, but go ahead with your insults. Dolores calls and saves the day. They talk about security cameras, life in the slammer, ya know, just your standard girl talk. And of course, Teresa doesn’t miss an opportunity to mention her book party. WE KNOW, TERESA.

We’re back at Jacqueline’s and we’re getting ready for poker night. Is it just me or does it seem like mixing gambling and alcohol with all of these angry mob-ish men is a bad idea? I guess we’ll see. We move over to Melissa’s really quickly and Joe Gorga is also being an asshole. Can we just lock the two Joes in a room? I think their wives would thank us.

Rosie shows up for poker night, and I fucking love her. She’s definitely my favorite RHONJ character. Besides Milania, obvi. The guys call Joe Giudice because he’s running late, and turns out, he doesn’t wanna come because Rosie is there and she overhears the whole thing. Oh shit. She storms out and now poker night has like three people. Y’all should have just stayed in bed and watched Stranger Things. At least there’s wine, right?

Wait hold up. Rosie is back. That was fast. It’s like the drunk sorority betch that runs out of formal crying and then comes right back because no one checked on her and she got FOMO. Please note: we didn’t see one second of an actual poker game so if some mafia gambling shit went down it wasn't documented.

Siggy is at Dolores’ again and they’re still doing real life normal things like paying bills. I’m not even shitting you we’re watching people pay bills. Teresa comes over in a fur, while D has on a sweatshirt from fucking Flashdance. Did no one tell Tre that D and Sigs are the cool normal girls? No furs needed. Apparently Dolores’ ex Frank pays all her shit and handles her expenses and Teresa is like, yah don’t do that or you might end up in jail. For once, I agree with Tre. See, miracles do happen.

Melissa is getting her daughter, Antonia, ready for a daddy-daughter dance. Poor kid. She has to go in public with Joe Gorga. What a bummer. Melissa is asking Antonia what she wants to be when she grows up, which is a) maybe something she should already know. The kid is like 10. And b) clearly fishing to see if her owning a boutique has inspired any big career goals for her daughter. For the record, Antonia wants to go as far as she can in cheerleading. So there you have it. 

Teresa and Gia are having some mommy-daughter bonding time with Snapchat and sushi. Sounds like a good time to me. Gia tells Tre she thinks prison is gonna help her dad, and I quote, “get his shit together.” Retweet. Okay, I’m done being mad at Gia because she is living in the truth rn and I kinda love it. Sure, it’s her dad but like, he needs to check himself.

We’re all getting ready for Teresa’s book party. I’m so happy this is about to happen because at least then Teresa will maybe stop talking about it. But I’m not holding my breath. Everyone is heading to the city in a pair of white limos. It wouldn’t be a recap if I didn’t say it, how Jersey can you be? They get to the party and Dorinda is there. Thank God because New York wives know how to make good television. SHE MADE IT NICE.


Joe Giudice goes outside to talk to one of his friends he invited who can’t come in the party now because he brought his 12-year-old son and this is a 21+ book party. That seems strange if you ask me, but fine. He’s also a convicted felon and Teresa can’t be around those types of peeps per her parole. So like, how can you hang with your husband? Anyway, he goes to talk to his guy and he goes off the fucking handle.

Joe’s friend: Nothing stops me. Not the mob. Not the government.

I TOLD Y’ALL. These people are legit. In fact, if these had my actual name on it I wouldn’t even be writing this because I know what happens when you cross the mob. I watched The Godfather. No fucking thanks.

Joe is summoned back to the party so Teresa can make her speech. She reads an excerpt from her book and she’s really not that good at reading. But she’s No. 2 on the New York Times bestseller list which is pretty impressive so mazel! And that’s all for this week. Here’s hoping the mafia doesn’t hunt me down before the next episode.




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