Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Same Shit, Different Day

By Lisa Vanderbetch

Another Sunday, another episode of RHONJ. I checked the guide and we’re at episode 10 aka halfway to the reunion, which is shocking because nothing has actually happened. Like wtf is Andy gonna talk about? More Teresa prison and/or yoga shit? I just don’t even know if I can sit through that. Anyway, let’s get it going. A lot like last week when I was trynna watch Miss America, I’m gonna make this quick because The Emmys are on and #priorities.

Emmys 2016

The episode starts with Siggy, Rosie and Jacqueline grabbing a drink and Sigs is a little over-emotional about her kid getting his license. Maybe she’s as terrified about that little shit operating a motor vehicle as the rest of us. They start talking about the Teresa-Rosie/Kathy drama. Oh fuck, is this the new Jacqueline-Teresa feud? I guess they gotta latch onto something.

Siggy really is the voice of reason this season. She tends to have good perspective and be super levelheaded, and I don’t think I’ve ever said that about one of the Housewives before. Kudos, Sigs.

Simon Cowell Thumbs Up

Melissa decides to take Siggy’s advice and spend some quality time with her nasty husband. How? By taking him to get Botox, that’s how. Don't get me wrong. I can’t stand Joe Gorga, but like, the man doesn’t need Botox. Watching him in pain is bringing me more pleasure than it should, though.

Ashlee and her BF are on their way to look at apartments in Hoboken. Yawn. If I wanted to watch real estate shows, I’d turn on House Hunters. Side note: Is the boyfriend wearing one of Jax’s chunky sweaters rn? If you don’t get that Vanderpump Rules reference, you can’t sit with us. 

Jax Taylor sweater

They walk out on this dock that looks like a wannabe Pont des Arts bridge with the love locks but janky af because it’s in Jersey and not France, obvi.

BF: I love you so much and I was wondering if you’d marry me.

Ashlee: OMG shut up.

Those are real quotes, folks.

I just feel like I’d need a little more than that. Like, I’m about to give up my freedom and my fucking name. You better list off a shit ton of reasons why I’m so fantastic. The ring is gorg, though. So that helps. They then proceed to say how proud they are of each other. Um, is that a normal thing to say? Because it seems pretty fucking awkward if you ask me.

They head back to Jacqueline’s house and have a super annoying convo about calling each other fiancés now. Vomit.

Ashlee: Does this dress make me look fat?

Jacqueline: I mean, it’s aight.

Ashlee: Does this ring make me look engagggeddd?

Just kill me now.

kill me

Everyone is crying and happy and shit, but no one is happier than Chris because Ashlee isn’t his fucking problem anymore. But really. He all but says that in his little interview. Also, the fiancé’s name is Pete. Just learned that.

Teresa and Melissa go for a walk even though it looks like the fucking Arctic Circle outside. I’m from the South, I don’t do cold. They talk about how Joe Giudice is getting worse the closer it gets to him “going away.” Seems like the same asshat as before, IMO, but what do I know?

Teresa: I feel like women are stronger than men. Women, ya know, we need to rule the world. We do everything

YAAASSSSS HONEY! Feminism for the win!

yas queen

Siggy heads to Melissa’s house to plug Melissa’s boutique hang out for a bit. They start to plan a girls' trip, which I always love because these things never go off without a hitch. The Bravo producers are savages like that. They decide on Vermont since Teresa can’t go very far because #ParoleProbs. LOL that fucking sucks that they don’t get a legit Bravo trip because Teresa is a felon. I’d be like fuck that, leave her ass in Jersey. I’m going to the Caribbean. Tre comes over and after a lot of convincing, she’s in. Vermont it is!

Over at Dolores’ gym, Jacqueline is “working out” because D and her gym need the help. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again: This is the world’s sketchiest gym. Tbh, idk even know what happened this scene because I was so distracted by the peculiar clientele and leather sofas that I just went into a coma. Or maybe it’s the wine getting to me. Or both.

Siggy and Jacqueline are meeting Tre for drinks because they wanna help mend the family. Abort the mission. This is a terrible fucking idea. The Gorga/Giudices don’t like it when you get in their family shit. Stay in your lane.


Siggy: Rosie and Kathy are really upset and wanna be family again *sad face*

Teresa: I don’t get involved with your family issues. How do you say capisce in Jewish?

Well that’s mildly offensive/antisemitic.

They keep arguing about it, and I honestly get both sides here. I think Siggy is coming from a good place. I’m Team Sigs so I’m always on her side. Deal with it. The meal ends with Teresa saying she’ll think about going to lunch with Rosie and Kathy so I guess that’s a win? No tables were flipped so I’d say definitely.

Jacqueline and Siggy go over to Kathy’s to chat with her and Rosie. Jesus, they’re on like a family therapy tour. Jacqueline bum rushing the buffet is me anytime there’s a party with food. Rosie and Kathy tell Sigs what they said about Tre’s parents and what Tre said about their parents and Siggy is just over here like Jesus Christ why did I get involved with this shit?

Melissa and Joe Gorga show up and that goes about as well as the Stacey Dash appearance at The Oscars. They try to stop the convo because they don’t wanna be in the middle and Richie (Kathy’s husband) is like yo didn’t we do that for years when y’all were the one’s with beef with the Giudices? I’m sorry. I thought this was a cocktail party. I didn’t realize truth tea was being served. Melissa doesn’t like being read and starts getting defensive.

read hunny

Richie then says Teresa hates being around them because they have a normal family and he loves his wife, which kinda implies that Joe Giudice doesn’t love Tre, I suppose. Then shit gets even more heated. I don’t even know what’s going on but everyone is upset. Then Rosie LOSES IT because her sister always take the blame. She has a point. But Kathy really does play the fall guy so well.

Richie owns it and apologizes for being kinda petty, and that’s all you can really ask for. They all make up and everything is good and Joe Gorga decides he’s gonna talk to Tre about going to lunch.

Tre and Joe Gorga go to the gym, and Joe, like the little bitch baby he is, tells Teresa everything that happened at Kathy’s. What good is that going to do, you snitch? This somehow leads to him convincing Teresa to go to lunch. I guess I just don’t understand that hothead Jersey logic.

Lunch time! Damn that seemed fast, no? They show a bunch of flashbacks about everyone talking shit about each other’s parents. I feel like what Teresa said about Rosie and Kathy’s dad was just as bad as what they said. So I’m not sure how they’re the bad guys, but okay. Teresa and Joe Gorga get there and Tre doesn’t waste anytime and says she just wants them to leave her alone.

why are you so obsessed with me

Rosie: You’re telling me you don’t wanna laugh and hug and be a family ever again?

Teresa: Not in so many words, but yah. That’s exactly what I’m saying.

Somehow, things end on kind of a good note? Maybe? They pretty much say if there’s a big fucking problem, like prison which isn’t all that farfetched, they’d be there for each other. And then Tre and Joe leave and she starts crying. Is anyone else confused by this? You’re the one kinda being a bitch. But whatever. That’s all for this week. Next week we head to Vermont. Can you hear my excitement?




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