Here we are… Another week of Mob Wives. Lol jk. This is The Real Housewives of New Jersey, which is pretty much the same fucking thing but boring. I don’t remember exactly what the preview said was going to happen this week, but I do remember thinking it looked like things were picking up. Or maybe that was wishful thinking. I guess we’ll see.
We start with Melissa working at her boutique. There’s dog shit on the floor. Is that a bad omen or nah? I’m going to say it is. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga is at the house attempting to be a dad and shit’s not going so well. His misogynist pig game? On fleek. Here’s a REAL quote for reference:
“In the 1800s, the women stayed home, and the men went and hunted. That’s what men do, we go to work. We bring back the bacon. The women, they cook the bacon. I’m a caveman. That’s what we do.”
Well you got one thing right, Joe. You are a caveman. What the literal fuck is wrong with this man? Also, it’s not the 1800s anymore, asshole. We’ve got a real-life woman running for president and everything. Welcome to 2016, bitch. Also, I feel like even in the 1800s people had jobs like being blacksmiths and old timey bank robbers and shit, but I guess I'm just splitting hairs.
Teresa is driving around with her lawyer and they start taking about how her and Joe Giudice’s marriage is always in the tabloids. We get a montage of Joe’s “alleged” cheating. He seems like a real prize. Lawyer bro says he paid Tre’s final restitution check. Idk what that is because I’m not a convict but I bet it has something to do with paying the US government back. This shit gets Teresa hyped. She’s like one inch away from a fist pump. It’s the little things.
Siggy and Jacqueline go to lunch and are talking about their kids. Snooze. Here are the Cliff Notes. They don’t like their kids always being on the phone and they ordered sweet potato fries. Sigs starts bringing up Teresa’s marriage and decides she’s going to talk to Tre about it because she’s a “relationship expert.” I have a hard time believing anyone who’s stupid enough to talk shit about someone’s marriage to their face is any kind of expert. But that’s just me.
We cut to Joe Gorga and he’s still being a terrible father and husband. Color me shocked.
Teresa is recording her little prison book on tape. She’s just reading her dedication to her kids. Ugh. I wanna get to the good prison shit. Not this. Damn, I’m a cold bitch. But for real, this is just way too heavy for Bravo. I’d watch Lifetime if I wanted all these tears. After the reading, Tre heads to a book meeting and proceeds to talk about the time she had “corn rolls” in her hair… #StopWhitePeople. This whole meeting is really just people blowing smoke up Teresa’s ass. Also, why is her lawyer still here? Does he have a side gig as her agent?
Here we go. We’re back with Joe Gorga and he needs Melissa to come home because he can’t hang. He tells Melissa he didn’t marry her for her to work. He married her to be a wife. I hate this motherfucker.
Over at Dolores’ house, she and her daughter are washing some kind of rat or something. Idk. Dolores is also giving said daughter the spiel about how much harder she had it growing up and how lucky she is to have parents that support her education. Her daughter responds by saying she wants to help cows give birth. What the fuck is going on rn? I don’t care about any of this.
Jacqueline and Chris are at their house talking about money struggles and their new popcorn company that’s going to save them. Jesus fucking Christ. Really? What idiots.
We’re back at Melissa’s and I already know I’m about to get fucking heated because Joe walks in the room. He tells her this wasn’t part of “their deal” and that her business will most likely fail. Is this the episode of shitty husbands? He then tells her a good businesswoman goes to work and comes home to take care of the family and cook dinner. I’m literally going to fly to New Jersey and mob-style murder this clown if this doesn’t stop.
Siggy is running around doing normal mom things. Ya know, asking her daughter about her grades and making her change clothes. In Sig's defense, the kid kinda looked like JoJo in the “Leave (Get Out)” video. She also busts in her teenage son’s room. That could have been really traumatizing, but luckily he was just PG-level Skyping with some girl. If she’d waited 10 minutes, shit would have been a little too fucking real for me.
In terrible business idea land, Chris is meeting with some people in suits to talk about his popcorn line. Fuck, it’s a healthy popcorn line because their sweet autistic son has a hard time finding snacks he can eat. And they plan to give back to the autistic community. I feel like an asshole rn. I take it all back! I really do hope this works out for them. They seem sweet enough. The popcorn world is going to eat them alive. I hear Orville Redenbacher is an animal.
Teresa and Siggy are going rock climbing with their kids. Tre decided it was a good idea to wear those tacky-ass sneaker wedges. Always a huge mistake, imo. Wait… Is Sigs going to talk to Tre about her marriage around her daughter? On the one hand, that’s pretty shitty. On the other, fucking finally! But like every other potentially good scene this season, NOTHING HAPPENS. Teresa handles it like a completely rational adult. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. Dolores shows up and still, nothing happens. I’m so over this shit. FLIP A DAMN TABLE.
It’s finally time for Melissa’s boutique opening. Well kind of… They’re getting ready for it. Like everything on this show, Melissa’s sister makes shit heavy AF and brings up that their dad isn’t here. It’s touching, but goddamn. My Dog Skip is peppier than this. Jacqueline is also getting ready and giving way too many fucking details about her period. That’s gross. No one cares. These people are like aliens.
We show up to the boutique and it looks pretty good. I’m sure there’s some tacky Jersey shit in there, but overall not too bad. Everyone is hanging out, nothing notable, except Ashlee (Jacqueline’s daughter) makes it known she’s not buying Tre’s new nice girl act. THANK YOU. I thought I was the only one. There’s no way Teresa is this mellowed out after a few months in the slammer.
Speak of the devil. Here comes Teresa. Again, everything is cordial. Even with Kathy and Rosie. Damn, this is boring television. They need to take notes from their fellow wives in New York. Those bitches know how to make a show. I swear if I have to watch more people side hug and squeal “Hi, honey” I’m going to turn the channel to HGTV. Even House Hunters has more drama than this.
Wait a minute… Joe Gorga pulls Melissa aside and actually says something nice! We’re making progress, thank God. Then he starts prancing around in a bodycon dress. And that’s as exciting as it got. Some fucking party.
The next day, Teresa is clipping Joe Giudice’s toe nails and we see a flashback of Milania shaving his back while Teresa was locked up. Goddamn… Why is everyone so gross tonight? I don’t think the other cities are like this… Can you imagine Lisa Vanderpump shaving Ken’s back? LOL. Anyway, back to the boring housewives. Tre and Joe are doing yoga, which is a sight, and she decides to bring up the cheating rumors from when she was in jail. He obvi denies them, but it’s not all that convincing if you ask me. I might just be trying to make this shit interesting like I do every week. I don’t think it’s working, but I do my best.
The show ends with nice guy Chris calling Joe Giudice and asking him to hang. A good bromance could really help this show, so I’m in favor of this. Guess what I said about things getting interesting this week was in fact wishful thinking. Next week maybe?