Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Giving HGTV A Run For Their Money

Another weekend gone, another episode of RHONJ. Maybe that’s why I hate on this show so much… It represents my ass having to wake up and go to work. Or maybe it’s because no one’s screamed “prostitution whore” or been indicted of any felonies this season. They really did set the bar a little high. But whatever. This is what we’ve got. At least it got more exciting last week. Keep it up, Jerseyans. And yes, that’s what they’re called. I Googled it.

We kick shit off at Dolores’ house and we’re still renovating. I feel like this is going to be a season-long thing. D gets pissed because Frank decided to just resurface the cabinets instead of gutting the whole kitchen. Why tf does your ex husband get a say in this? This is your fucking house. Your relationship, I guess.

D and Siggy head to Jacqueline’s house and I’m betting my trust fund they’re gonna talk about the semi-fight that went down between her and Tre last episode. Shock of the fucking century—I’m right. What else is new?

Stassi is always right

Jacqueline rehashes the whole fight in a voice that’s almost as annoying as Teresa’s, which is mind-blowing in and of itself. Bravo starts doing that thing where they go from back and forth between households and between this and the shrieking voice and my glass of Whispering Angel, I feel a migraine coming on. Thanks, Andy Cohen. Melissa is telling her caveman husband that Jacqueline was out of line for trying to pit him against his own sister, and I agree. So they’re gonna get lunch to discuss.

Over at Teresa’s, she’s still doing yoga. We fucking get it already. You’re fit and Zen post-lockup. Side note: Are those cheetah print sheets on their master bed? Jesus fucking Christ. I say this every episode but the Jersey-ness is making me nauseous. Back to the episode… It’s a big day at the Giudice house. Tre gets to take her ankle bracelet off. Mazel tov! I couldn’t relate to these people less if I tried.

Amy Schumer WTF

It’s time for Jacqueline and Melissa’s lunch. Keep the drama coming. They dive right into it. I mean damn. Jacqueline is like screaming in this restaurant rn.

Jacqueline: I don’t have to go to you to talk to your husband. Ima go straight to the source. I’ve done so much for your family!

Have you? I don’t really remember, tbh. But that’s not ringing any bells. Melissa’s just kinda like what-the fuck-ever. And that’s all. Seemed real abrupt if you ask me, but this rosé might be getting to my head.

I can tell we’re going to Siggy’s house because there’s some Jewish wedding music playing after a commercial break and Sigs is the only non-Italian Jew on this show. Subtle, Bravo. Sigs’ house is immaculate. Not even a hint of leopard. Can we just film all of the scenes here instead of the rest of these gaudy-ass houses? Her parents show up and start talking about their heritage and Siggy’s bratty kids. Ugh I forgot about them. The rents suggest Jewish traditions to bring the family back together. It’s worth a shot I suppose.

At Jacqueline’s, Ashlee and her boyfriend are over for dinner. They talk about living together and the convo turns to marriage and pregnancy so naturally BF looks like he’s about to fucking bolt. Jacqueline pulls him aside like it’s an episode of The Bachelor. He wants to take Jacqueline to help him pick out an engagement ring, which is sweet. I’m glad Ashlee got her shit together. It was touch and go there for a little while. You did it!

high five Liz Lemon

Melissa and Joe Gorga head to Tre’s for dinner. Teresa says she wants an edamame—like, one singular edamame? Turns out, she means an enema. LOL. Words are hard. They’re there for about two fucking seconds before we start talking back the Teresa and Jacqueline argument. Goddamn, y’all are some petty bitches. Move on. It wasn’t even a big deal. There are much bigger things to worry about. Such as going to prison and shit.

Meanwhile, Dolores is still renovating her house. Since when did this become HGTV? Frank shows up, and I feel like D hangs out with her ex a lot more than what’s normal. I get it. They have kids. But like, does he have a fucking home? He’s literally always there. But fine. Dolores wants to knock out a wall, which, after hours of watching Property Brothers this afternoon, I fully support. It really opens up the space. Frank pitches a bitch fit for a sec because that’s gonna get expensive, but then caves. That a way, D.

Simon Cowell applause

Siggy took her parents’ advice and hosts Kiddish at her house in attempt to make her kids less asshole-y. I’ve got high hopes, but low expectations.

Zen Tre decides she’s also Dr. Tre and hosts a therapy session where everyone in the fam writes down their feelings. This ought to be good. I can’t imagine Joe is too good with words, but I don’t wanna stereotype. It backfires when Milania puts her parents on blast.

Milania: I don’t like it when my dad calls me fat, especially since he’s fat af too. Mom doesn’t get me. She never listens to me because she’s always on her phone.

Damn. Parents of the fucking year over here. You’d think after being away from your kids for a year, you’d wanna chill with them. But like, I bet you missed Twitter too, so I get it. Gia pretty much says the same shit, except she also tells her mom she overreacts, to which, Teresa shockingly overreacts.

shocked Bachelor in Paradise

We’re back at Siggy’s and, despite Kiddish, her kids are still little shits. Send them down to Georgia, Sigs. An hour with my grandparents and they’ll be fucking angels.

It’s Milania’s bday so in true Jersey fashion, they get a pink Hummer limo. They go to this place called iFly where wind gusts make you fly or something. Idk. I don’t enjoy any kind of physical activity besides wine tastings, so it looks like my worst fucking nightmare, but the kids look like they’re having fun. Teresa’s phone is nowhere in sight, for the record.

Jacqueline and BF go ring shopping and have a really emotional conversation. Couldn’t y’all have done this in the car on the way over instead of in the actual store? No? Okay. We get a montage of how horrible Ashlee was as a teenager. Ahhh, the good ole days.

We’re back at iFly, and Milania is talking about her 11th bday and Joe starts to tear up because he won’t be there. This actually makes me really sad. I mean, he’s supposed to be in prison for like four years. That’s a long fucking time when you have young kids. Damn it. I’m crying again. Is it just me or is this franchise way sadder than the other Housewives?

LC Mascara Tear

But why stop there? Let’s check in on Dolores’ dying dog while we’re at it. Bethenny needs to get in with the Jersey ladies so I can laugh a little. We gotta lighten this shit up. Finally the sadness ends because Sigs and Jacqueline come over to do some demo. It’s probs a good way for them to get out some of that Jersey anger. D gets a call from Maz, who’s still pissed because she is still not going to work at their piece of shit gym. I don’t think she gets how jobs go, but what do I know?

Melissa and Tre are having some tea and turns out Sigs, D, and Melissa have been planning a girls weekend. Fuck. Yes. Girls weekends = wine and arguments. Teresa’s “on the fence” but not really because she’s contractually obliged to go to this shit so she agrees. What’s the over/under on how many times we’ll see Teresa doing downward dog and other fitness shit this trip?

The next day, Teresa gets her book in the mail. She reads the dedication she wrote to her daughters while lying on her leopard sheets. We get it, Tre. You love your daughters. Just not as much as your phone.

Teresa Giudice shrug

Her and Joe then start talking about the argument with Jacqueline again, and would you look at that? My bottle of wine is empty right as the episode ends. Until next week…




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