'Real Housewives of New Jersey' Recap: The Episode Dolores Became My Favorite

Well folks, we’re one week closer to the end of RHONJ. Normally, the end of a season of housewives makes me incredibly sad, but Bravo released trailers for Vanderpump Rules and RHOA last week and both look lit af. And they start in like a month, so I’m actually super excited. Let the countdown begin. But back to the snooze-fest that is RHONJ.

Shit’s picking up where we left off in Vermont, where Dolores and Siggy want to vote Robyn (I think?) off the island. Fuck, this is a terrible idea. But I’m all for an explosion. Dolores drops a truth bomb on Melissa and is like “yo, Robyn is a psychopath and might get Tre involved in her psycho ways and then Teresa goes back to prison because parole or something.” They decide they’re going to present this to Teresa and see what she wants to do. Oh good, since she’s so fucking rational.

seemed like a good idea at the time

Joe Gorga: This shit right here is like a movie, like a soap opera or something.

What boring-ass soap are you watching? Certainly not All My Children.

Melissa says Jacqueline is a Teresa stalker, and at first I’m like huh? But then we cut to Jacqueline sobbing about how much she loves Teresa and now I’m like maybe. 

Why are you so obsessed with me

Melissa tells Teresa what’s going on and Tre doesn’t want Robyn to leave. They decide to have this powwow with the door open like fucking idiots so Robyn and some other person I’ve never seen before overhear the whole thing. But instead of “raging” as Robyn likes to call it, she is very calm and says they’ll just leave to avoid conflict. And that’s exactly what they do. How normal and anticlimactic. I have a feeling if this trip had been to Morocco or Anguilla or something they would have put up a little more of a fight, but Vermont? I’d fucking leave too.

The ladies get to dinner and are there all of two seconds before Teresa is like “dinner minus two” or some passive aggressive shit. I really don’t like her if you couldn’t tell. This turns into an argument between Jacqueline and Tre which is strange because Jacqueline isn’t the one who asked Robyn to leave. I don’t get that Jersey logic.

Side note: The Girl on the Train trailer during the commercial break is my favorite part of this episode so far. Damn, I can’t wait to see that on Friday.

Okay sorry. Back to business. Chris and Joe are in the background like can we just fucking eat? Jacqueline gets up because she’s like fuck this noise. But then Chris just keeps being his awesome self and is like y’all love each other stop fighting and so they do. For a second.

Teresa tells Jacqueline when Robyn threatened her she should have just walked away. Because that’s what she would have done. LOL. WHAT? Are you fucking kidding me? Dis bitch flipped a table and chased a lady out of a country club because she said her house was in foreclosure (it was, btw). How are you gonna tell anyone that they should run away from a fight?

That's rich

Somehow this turns into Melissa and Jacqueline fighting about Melissa being a stripper? Who cares? This was like three seasons and a prison sentence ago. Jacqueline calls Melissa a fake, phony bitch. Teresa is like this isn’t normal. Then Tre starts screaming about how Jacqueline knew about strippergate! Is that a term I should know? Cuz I don’t.

Jacqueline kinda loses her shit and calls Tre a fucking criminal. But hey, she ain’t wrong, folks. And then she storms out. Good call. I’m pretty sure this convo is over. I know I say this every episode, but I love Chris. He’s a ride or die guy.

Dolores ordering buffalo wings during the middle of World War fucking 3 is me anytime there’s conflict. Just hide behind the food, D. Siggy and Dolores are defending Jacqueline. Melissa and Tre are defending themselves. I think y’all are all fucking nuts. How about that?

Back in Jersey, Joe Giudice and the kids are eating take out. Joe is talking about going to prison and how he’s gonna lose weight. And per usual, Milania is fucking killing it. She pretty much tells him he’s fat and is always gonna be fat. She is SO Joe’s favorite. And America’s. Sorry Gia.

Siggy and Dolores get home and talk to Jacqueline about what happened. Jacqueline is fucking done with the Giudice-Gorgas fams and honestly, I think that’s a good thing. The Giudices are felons. Joe Gorga is the fucking worst. Run like a thief in the night. Sorry for the criminal reference. I know that really gets Tre’s blood boiling.

Meanwhile, Siggy is overly emotional about this given it has nothing to do with her. But she’s a genuinely nice person I think so I’m gonna give her a pass.

Finally the night from hell ends and Tre calls Joe and tells him what happened. Is it just me or is it kinda fucked up that he’s going to prison for four years in like, two weeks and she’s on a girls trip? You’re gonna have half a fucking decade for girls trips.

but that's none of my business

Dolores: Good morning.

Siggy: Where are you?

Dolores: Deciding which window I’m gonna jump out of.


Teresa and Melissa are talking about how they just wanna have fun with Siggy and Dolores but Sigs is like get me tf out of here because her bff Jacqueline is sad. She’s too nice for Bravo.

Siggy: You and Melissa need to spend a day together.

Melissa: NO!

I’m with Melissa. I wouldn’t wanna be alone with Tre either. 

Teresa then starts verbally assaulting D, telling her she needs to make Siggy stay. Isn’t this telling friends what to think thing what she’s so pissed at Jacqueline for? Yup. All this hypocrisy causes D to fly off the fucking handle. Like, Teresa season one level of flipping her shit. But can you blame her?

Dolores: Melissa comes in, looks like she’s going to Studio 54 with a full face of makeup. Teresa’s dressed like Milania.

HAHA! That is the greatest thing I’ve heard all season. D is officially my new fave. For the record, Tre is dressed the way she dresses her poor tacky kids.

you're tacky and I hate you

Dolores successfully wards off the demons that are Teresa and Melissa and they leave. Wow, Sigs and D really hate them. Am I the only one just not picking up on this?

Jacqueline and Chris are back in Jersey for five seconds before Kathy comes over to talk shit. They rehash the whole fight and I just can’t write about it anymore because it’s the same shit, different paragraph.

Teresa and Melissa are alone, driving around Vermont. They’re trying to act excited but you can really tell they want to jump off a fucking cliff at the thought of having to spend a whole day together just the two of them. I don’t buy this friendship for a second. They have a talk about Joe going to prison because of course they do. Drink every time there’s a conversation about incarceration and/or a fight between Jacqueline and Teresa. Jk, don’t do that. You’ll die.


Whatever drinking

It ends with Tre and Melissa taking a selfie. The true sign of a frenemy relationship forming.





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