Real World Roundup: He's Too Hard To Bear

By The Betches

A man was arrested for the fourth time for masturbating with a teddy bear. You have to wonder what's going through this guy's head if even after the first time getting arrested for a hand job from a stuffed bear, he still continued to do it and get arrested three more times. There's a serial stuffed masturbator on the loose! Somebody call Michael Jackson! My other question for this article is why the fuck the masturbator couldn't just take his teddy bear and go into a bathroom stall or like his own home? Is it really necessary to jack off in an alley way? Why couldn't he just jerk off on the subway like the rest of New York's weirdos? Talk about someone you would not want to run into at build-a-bear... Read article>>

Some woman is suing Hilary Duff for injuries after Hil crashed her Range Rover into her in 2010. Hil is reported as replying "that's so yesterday" before asking the pivotal question, what would Lizzie McGuire do? This woman says her injuries are preventing her from doing her job, which she refuses to specify. Sounds like this woman is a stripper looking to make a fast buck off of poor Hil. Little does she know if she had only watched A Cinderella Story she would have realized that Hil can't even afford a smart phone let alone pay for the made up injuries of some random woman who probably owns like, a Hyundai. Read article>>

You'll never look at mushrooms the same way. Apparently during an archaeological dig in China some workers thought they discovered a rare mushroom. Turns out it was vagina: the other other white meat. Yup, it was a sex toy that was supposed to mimic the vagina. Never try and fuck your fungi, betches. You never know when it will mean you're technically batting for the other team. We can't wait for this to show up during the reunion installment series of The Land Before Time: The Vagina Monologues of the Protozoan era. Read article>>

Johnny Depp and his girlfriend and baby mama Vanessa Paradis have split up. Who the fuck cares? She's not even famous. Read article>>




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