Real World Roundup: TomKat on a Mission Impossible to Kill Suri

By The Betches

Tom Cruise thinks he's in Top Gun, speeds through the West Side of New York City. In an attempt to outrun the paps and imitate Justin Bieber, Tom was speeding and running red lights through the West Side trying to get to his helicopter to take him to, of all places, New Jersey, a lawless papparazzi-less haven where celebrities can cruise the Turnpike, roaming around free of cameras and upscale civilization. It looks like TomKat is in a competition to see who can kill Suri first in a car crash, shielding her from their ugly divorce and the inevitable rehab stint she'll have in five years. Read article>>

Bad news, fatties. It turns out sitting kills more people than smoking. I mean, fucking duh. It's time for a war on chairs! Just say no! Since our response to the fact that smoking kills was to ban cigarettes to people under 18, put warning labels on packs of them, and ban them from advertising on TV, I call for a ban on underage chair usage. You now have to be 18 years of age or older to purchase a chair and they should all have a warning that overuse of these chairs will a slow, painful death by clogged arteries and pins and needles. Read article>>

Man arrested for beating the shit out of his girlfriend because she broke his bong. I thought bongs were supposed to chill you out, not turn a psychotic woman-strangler. I mean I know some bros get overly attached to their pieces but if you're going ape shit on someone for knocking over a piece of glass  you need a xanax, not pot. You also need to just suck it up and buy a new one. What is he, poor? Read article>>

Hedge fund manager files for, then drops, a lawsuit against ex-wife for half of her $1 million shoe collection. This bro reportedly kept ignoring his wife, telling her to go shopping instead of giving her actual attention which resulted in a shoe addiction. This shouldn't have come as a suprise to her husband since his wife had a Louboutin tattooed on her pelvic bone, possibly leaving her as the frontrunner for the trashiest rich woman in the universe. My questions are, is she going to shoe rehab? Do they not allow you around patent leather and platforms in there? Was her husband planning on wearing half the heels that he got in the settlement? Would they donate the shoes to Shoes on Wheels? I guess we'll never know.... Read article>>




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