In Honor Of The Release Of Our New Book: Some Really Fucking Terrible Ask A Pro Emails | Betches

In Honor Of The Release Of Our New Book: Some Really Fucking Terrible Ask A Pro Emails

In case you weren't aware from the ample spamming in your email and Instagram feed, our new book, I Had a Nice Time, And Other Lies..., is officially on sale in places where they sell books (no clue, don't ask me). You'll be up to your fake eyelashes in great dating advice, but in honor of this auspicious occasion, I thought I'd share some of the WORST emails I've gotten recently. Plus, you're probably still high from 4/20, so maybe some of these will, like, totally resonate with you, mannnn.


Dear pro betch,

Grab some popcorn because this problem requires some background history and could become lengthly. I'll try to get straight to the point though.

I spotted this hot guy at a concert in college and pointed him out. My friend had a class with him and was friends with him on FB. That was back in the day that you could suggest two people become friends, so as any good sidekick, she put in a good word for me and pulled the suggest we become friends card. He added me and after a few instant messages we exchanged numbers. We met in person a few days later and hung out about 4 times. And yes, every hangout sesh was so PG it could have been a Disney channel original movie. He seemed totally into me and out of nowhere started to distance himself. At this point in my life I had no knowledge of "the game", therefore didn't play whatsoever. After I sulked for a while, I chalked up his ghosting ways to me being a rookie of the game. I've never crushed on a guy harder than I did for him though and it was rough to get over but eventually I moved on and we didn't keep in touch.

A few weeks ago he came up as a suggested friend on Instagram so I followed him, not expecting anything to come from it. To my surprise, he requested to follow me and liked 2 of my selfies. My long lost crush hadn't completely lost interest in me and basically all of my dreams just came true.

I was hoping he would reach out to me but after a couple of weeks of non-stop thinking about it, I grew some balls and messaged him on FB.  I didn't have his number, and I couldn't message him through Instagram because....does anybody??? Anyway, I realized we weren't FB friends anymore and he had deleted me. Awkward....but back to the story- he responded to me and seemed so into me. I suggested we go out and he said he'd love to. I felt like a pro game player here because I waited hours/days to respond to his messages. I did everything by the book. I had asked him out on a Sunday and we planned for the upcoming Saturday. We had messaged throughout the week and everything was good. Friday afternoon I sent him my number and told him we could figure out a time to meet up.  He waited until 10pm to text me and I wasn't going to respond but I needed to know how much time I'd be able to devote to my highlight and contour, so I needed to find out what time we were meeting the next day. He said he was drinking and I didn't think anything of it. We're 25, so I thought he would be able to at least handle his liquor well enough to pretend to be more sober than he really was. When we got to a lull in the conversation I said "so tomorrow?" His response "I'm not sure about tomorrow yet. I'm sure about tonight." WTF. Did the man of my dreams just reveal he is a SAB???? I was pissed and told him goodnight. He asked if I was upset but I didn't respond and we haven't talked since (approximately 3 days, 12 hours, 25 minutes, and 32 seconds). This is where I need to call in the pros. What the hell happened. What could I have done? Why would he cancel and not even try again when he sobered up??  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and need help getting over it. Please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sincerely,
WWBD (what would betches do)

Grab some popcorn? More like grab a hotshot of heroin. This is the least interesting movie ever, and I paid American money to see The Hateful Eight. So you're saying you met this guy, what, 6-7 years ago? And after forgetting you existed, he popped up in your Instagram feed so you decided to aggressively message him out of the blue, and you think you're somehow "playing the game?" Christ, of course he didn't take this seriously. The saddest part about this isn't that you tried to hit on a guy who never even tried to put the moves on you nearly a decade later; the sad part is that this person is somehow considered "the man of your dreams." Oedipus had healthier relationships than this.

 

Dear Head Pro,

I'll start off by giving a little summary of events before I get into my question. Last May when I graduated and moved home I thought I was really going to be able to have the relationship I wanted with my long-distance boyfriend who was already graduated and living at home. For the last few weeks of school he would make comments that he thinks we're better long distance (WTF) and that he didn't think it would work once I move home because he planned on spending every weekend golfing???? My naive ass should have gotten out there, but oh well lesson learned. It didn't take more than 6 days once I moved home after graduation for us to break up. Two months later I met this guy at the shore. His parents beach house is only a few minutes from my parents beach house. I know, sounds like a match made in heaven right? We started dating and it instantly became serious. He came on very, very strong and that kind of freaked me out considering I was only 2 months out of a serious/dramatic/emotionally draining relationship. Basically as the summer went on he got more into it and I got less into it. I found myself being annoyed with him for no reason at all which would lead to a fight. I eventually ended it without really giving him a reason why. (I blamed it on the fact that he lives in Hoboken and I live in Philly and wasn't interested in doing the long-distance thing again). He was kind of devastated and was willing to do whatever to make it work between us. Disclaimer: he's probably one of the nicest guys I've ever met, close with his family, very attractive, great job, and pretty much the exact opposite of my ex. The only problem is that I was being a selfish asshole at the time and didn't appreciate him. My ex was always roping me back in by drunk confessions of still loving me and wanting to be back with me. He obviously didn't mean it and was just playing games with my head but it made me less and less attracted to shore boyfriend because I had hopes of getting back with the troll who was my ex bf (he was my first love, give me a break).

So fast forward to January, after I had some time to myself and not worry about a guy 2+ hours away and me trying to make amends for my shitty behavior when he basically treated me like a princess. He was sort of seeing someone at the time and told me it wasn't fair to her to see me so we kind of left it at that. A month and a half later they weren't seeing each other anymore and he started texting me a lot and saying he wants to try working on things between us and give it another shot. He seemed realllllly into the idea of us getting back together. After those first few days of us talking again he slowly started to contact me less and overall just seemed like he didn't mean what he said a few days prior. I asked him if anything changed and he said no that he just has his guard up because of how things ended between us. I'm not sure if he was just playing hard to get or what but things are still very back and forth between us. He says he has trouble believing that I'm sincere, even though if I wasn't I would have given up on this I don't know in January?!?! Some days he seems really into the idea of trying to work on things and get back together and others not so much. We talk a lot and things are fine on that front but every time I suggest we meet to talk he kind of ignores the topic or changes the subject. Lately he's been saying a weekend this spring we're both down at our parent's beach houses we'll meet up and talk. Even though I've offered to go out to Hoboken a few times so we could get the ball rollin', he always avoids that - never says no, but never says yes either. Obviously, the summer is coming and I know we'll see each other regardless but I genuinely really regret the way I acted towards him and want to try to give it another shot. Am I being stupid? Should I stop trying so hard and just let things happen? I know him and if he wasn't feeling it than he wouldn't continue talking to me, but he's also made comments that he won't know his feelings til he sees me. I guess i'll just have to look extra hot the first time we see each other so he "knows his feelings". Please help!!!

Sincerely,
Is It Too Late Now to Say Sorry?

Ladies (and gents, I don't judge), here's a good example of why you might not get an email answered. Under almost no circumstances do I EVER need any "backstory" or "a little summary of events" that ends up being 400 words long. I don't, I promise. I've been doing this to (mostly) critical acclaim for about 5 years now. Your situation is never going to be that unique (unless it actually is, in which case those are the letters I definitely use).

So you broke up with your boyfriend, jumped in too fast with a guy you weren't all that into, and kind of treated him shitty until he moved on. Now he lives in a whole other state, but you want to rekindle things solely because you'll see him while spending the summer at your parents' beach house, which is definitely a thing adults who've graduated college do. Just be nice when you see him; it's never going to work out in the long run (mostly because he doesn't like you anymore, but also because of the distance thing).

And I swear to God, if one more person references that fucking song...

<--break->

Dear Head Pro,

So I emailed this to the [email protected] email yesterday (in case you can't read a subject...) and I need advice (duh). You probably are a better person to ask anyway, since you like pee standing up (and probably don't wipe after, which tbh has always been weird to me). Ready? Go:

So there's this guy I've been housebreaking, I mean dating for FOUR years—since my senior year in college #glorydays. I recently moved to the City for him, landed a pretty sweet new job, and seemingly have it all (my therapist says I'm on my goddess perch, god I love that betch.) Here's the catch: since I've gotten to the City, I've literally wanted nothing to do with my boyfriend. There's not really a catch—except the part where I'm a psycho and cheated on him in Dallas with my college crush (you know the one you're never supposed to actually get with?) and I got butterflies back in my stomach for the first time in years. So the dilemma: do I just absolutely blindside my boyfriend and dump him out of the blue or do I ice queen the shit out of him with my avoidance tactics? Either way, I know I'm on the highway to hell.

xoxo,
[Redacted bc she used her real name]

Editor's Note: I fucking answered this already; if you didn't like the answer mom gave you, you can't just go to dad for a different one. That's not how this works.

To be fair, this girl DID mention that she didn't care if I posted this or not, so I'm not mad at her for not coming up with a name. I am, however, a little annoyed by a) her misunderstanding of the male anatomy (why WOULD I have to wipe?), and b) her mention of her therapist. Now, on the record, I am 100% supportive of anyone and everyone getting the help they need for their mental health issues, but if you already have a therapist, shouldn't you ask the person you're paying for advice, first? Also, anyone who tells someone they're on their "goddess perch" should be stripped of their license, and probably taken out back and shot.

This is not a legitimate problem. Not because it's not a real dilemma, but because the options you've given yourself are false. Think for, like, 30 seconds about how strange and frankly crazy it would be to pull bullshit high school "avoidance tactics" on a grown ass adult you've been dating for four years. That's not an option, that's fucking weird. If you don't like someone, break up with them. It's not supposed to be easy.

Dear Head Pro,

Honestly I'm surprised no other betches have brought this up. Instead of being able to see who's banging who on Snapchat, we use snap message to be sluts! Yay! Or not.

Snapchat message has given douchey bros such an advantage as they totally know how much girls love secret attention and they are totally giving it to us through this method. We send a flirty pic and they type back and as we get a notification that they're typing we're already overly excited. Like no. The bro 100% says something like "u look hot" or "send more" and you're like okay omg I'm totally gonna respond. And then it's rapid fire and they literally have the fire emoji next to their name so you're like whoa are we dating? And they're like no because then it turns into the stupid sexy face emoji that means you're not their best friend, they're just yours.

So I guess my problem is: I'm fucking obsessed with this. Is that slutty? Idk. I have like 6 guys on my snapchat with the rapid fire emoji and honestly they all switch from the heart to the smiley to the sexy emoji. Oops. Is that bad?

Jk I do kinda care a little. Because I could see myself dating one of these guys and we also do text. But a lot of times he will not respond to my text that he's read, and will snapchat me and then start messaging me via snapchat... It's pretty hot so I guess I don't mind but do I consider myself out of the dating zone forever and always if that's my snapchat relationship with a guy? Am I just a sex object to him? ...Do I care?

Send help soon,
Snapchat messaging for the boys

Fuck. And thus we reach the end of today's journey. I think I've said that before, but DO NOT try to write a post for the Betch List (is that still a thing?), and especially don't try to couch one in an email asking me for advice. As for this one, I have no fucking clue what any of this means. I mean I Snapchat and all, but I'm apparently not up on all the teen Snapchat parlance and what all the emojis mean. I guess you're sending sexxxy pics to guys, but they won't text you back, or something? I dunno. Don't send pictures of your tits to guys you want to date, I guess. Even better, never use Snapchat.

Head Pro spits way more advice in he and The Betches' new book, I Had a Nice Time, And Other Lies..., available now. For your most pressing dating questions, email him at [email protected]




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