February 19, 2015
First time writer too you and I must say I appreciate reading your no nonsense, no BSing, frankly put responses. It is refreshing so here goes.
I have been dating a guy for 7 months. We are both 41, I have an amazing 12 year old daughter (from previous marriage) and he basically is living with us. Sweet guy. Has a decent job and can be caring. Finding out he is "typical guy". Hears what he wants. Does what he wants. I am also cooking and cleaning and paying for majority of things but it is my house and I did all those things before I met him. He is also a big drinker. He does not drink around my daughter but when she is not there he gets totally obliterated! This is on a regular basis and I have spoken to him about it and he gets annoyed and angry with me. I'm all for some drinks but every weekend we need to get drunk?? Sex is also an issue. I love it! We barely have it. He says he is tired and just likes to cuddle sometimes. I am not a supermodel but I feel that I am a somewhat attractive person and not enough sex has never been an issue before. I hate being a nag but come on!!! Am I missing an obvious red flag flying in my face or am I just being the bitch? Tried to keep it short!
Dear 41-Year-Old (Not A) Virgin,
Well, shit. I’d say my advice-giving skills really just boil down to being able to think of 10,000 creative ways to say “he’s just not that into you,” but I could try being serious for a change. Here goes nothing.
Yeah, your guy’s behavior sounds questionable, at best. AT BEST. Just for funzies, I googled “signs of alcoholism” and literally the fourth sign Mayoclinic lists is drinking alone, so yep, red flag for sure. Also, it would be one thing if you guys were in your 20s and he wanted to get obliterated every weekend. By 40, getting blackout on the reg should not be a pastime anymore. So yeah, that is in no way normal.
You may have kept your email short but I can tell a lot from the way you’re writing so I will say this: women, in general, tend to be wayyyy too apologetic and self-doubting. Many times, to the point that it ends up harming us. Trust your gut, betch! You are being entirely too unsure of yourself. Like for instance: “Sex is also an issue…I am not a supermodel but I feel that I am a somewhat attractive person”…like do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Do you honestly think that you don’t deserve to have sex with your significant other unless you look like a supermodel?? Like what?! Trust. Your. Gut. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
Based on the info you’ve given me I can’t tell if your bf is neglectful, borderline abusive, clinically depressed, just a fucking lazy mooch, or something else, and I’m not going to play internet doctor and try to diagnose him. But I will say this: if your boyfriend does nothing to help you out, is always drinking, and has no sex drive, something’s clearly wrong. With him, not you. Although, if his best attributes are that he has a “decent job” and he “can be caring,” I think you need to take a long, hard look at where you’ve set the bar. I would honestly recommend talking about these problems (with or without your man) to a real, certified therapist. But until then, I hope I did a decent job at being your interim therapist.
How did that make you feel?